Those Little Things I Think About

What have I done...

2008-08-03T19:35:00.000-07:00

I don't want you to hate me.

I feel like I've been doing so many wrong things lately, but I've been so happy at the same time. And not only for the reason everyone is probably thinking right now. I've been busy working two jobs, being able to buy things for myself, and just enjoying being me the way I want to be.

I'm sorry for all those little wrong things that have been happening. I can't apologize enough. I hope that we're still ok. I really am sorry.

As for everything else, I'm cleaning myself up. After taking a closer look at my family history and my own personality, I've decided it's time to try something a little different. I shouldn't say this like it's a new decision really, because it's not. It started with me quitting smoking. I know it wasn't a big feat for me because I hadn't been doing it very long, but it was step one in my plan. The next step is cutting back on alcohol. Sorry, girls, I know our girls' nights are 50% alcohol, lol.

All joking aside, this is a bigger step for me because alcohol has always been kind of a casual thing with my family. After what happened this past year (and for those who don't know the story please do not ask, it's hard enough for me), I've realized that I don't want those kind of things to happen to me; now or in the future. So, I'm going to stop it while I still have the choice. What I ask of everyone is that if I say that I don't want to drink or get drunk or anything like that, please please do not try to get me to do it, or stuff like that. I have the right to say no, and I'm not saying that I will every single time, but it will be more often now. This is something I'm doing to try and keep myself happy and in well-being, not to make anyone else happy.

If anyone is really interested, step three will be physical health. My body needs to be whipped back into shape...

What's new? Well.....

2008-06-14T23:44:00.000-07:00

Not much of anything really. Lots of packing, a little bit of job hunting, a little bit of working... lots of Jimmy. Things are generally good. I can't wait to get into our new place down by Port Place Mall. I think living with Kaitlyn is gonna be awesome and we're close to the mall and like 4 bus routes. Just... packing is annoying.

Aside from that... all I have to share is this:

Twist and Shout!

2008-05-25T19:09:00.000-07:00

I am loving things lately. And it's been way too long since I wrote an update for this thing. Note to self: don't neglect the blog.

I'm sitting by myself in my living room with my laptop rapidly heating up my thighs, watching Ferris Beuller's Day Off on YTV (commercials and kid orientated TV hosts are irritating me) and just relaxing. It's cool to just be chill right now, since I've been doing so much the past few days, even if it was a lot of not much of anything. I love being able to have fun doing nothing, and the biggest accomplishment of the day is finding a friend you haven't seen for a couple days.

I've been starting to do good things for myself, and it's making me feel better about me. I quit smoking, I don't drink as often as I did, I'm almost starting to eat better, I've started walking more places when I can. Just a few little things to start with, but together are making me feel good. I think the next step will be to try and work down the bit of extra weight at my tummy. If I can do that, I think I would be infinitely happier with my self-image.

I think it's great that I have someone that I never stop laughing with. Everything, no matter how small the activity, is enjoyable. Even sitting awkwardly across the table from one another in a fancy restaurant in fancy clothes is hilarious and fun. The fact that I know he's having as much fun as I have been makes it that much better too.

Ever since I started doing things to make myself happy, I've been feeling better. It's not that I stopped caring about how other people are feeling or that I don't want to make others happy too, it's just that I've realized that I do need to put myself first sometimes. My own happiness is something that should be important to me, and now it is. I can bring myself back from my low spots on my own now, which is something I wasn't able to do up until a couple months ago. I actually haven't even had one for just over a month and that's really good for me.

I can't really think of anything else to write about here. I'll just go back to enjoying my awesome 80's movie!

Some good times come and gone...

2008-04-17T19:35:00.000-07:00

I had so much fun the past couple weeks. I really didn't want it to end. Thank you guys for the experience of playing with expensive equipment that I had never touched before. I had no idea how much fun it was to be involved with people like this and I truly thank you all for accepting me into the group. I really did feel like I was part of something important and interesting.

You were all amazing. I'm not even exaggerating. You all did fantastically. I'm amazed at how much bruising and injury and sickness and bleeding everyone went through and survived for this show. I'm so proud of everyone.

Thank you for such a great time.

2008-04-09T16:32:00.000-07:00

So many things... more things to laugh at. I've found that the closer it gets to the end of the semester the less I care. I know that's not really a good thing, but I don't really care anymore! Surrounding myself with more people who are supportive of me and always fun to be around seems to be healthy (duh) and I really like the way I've been feeling the past couple days for the most part.

I kinda made a new friend, in the sense that I didn't realize how cool he actually was until I had a cance to sit down and get to know him. He's not nearly as strange as everyone thought he was.... ok, well, he is weird but not as much as previously thought. I should thank him for making me feel better the other day.

I want summer to get here so that I can be outside more. I forgot how much I love being outside and feeling so connected to the earth and nature and oh god I sound like a hippie. Ok so I guess I am part hippie, oh well.

I'm running out of things to say, but not running out of pictures....

I think there needs to be less of this going on around here ^ :P

Priorities: Construction Zone Ahead. Prepare to Stop.

2008-03-27T13:27:00.000-07:00

How, out of all these super important things, did you being mad at me become my main focus and my main cause of anger (if you can call it that) and hurt? There are so many more things that are more important to stress over, but I chose your attitude towards me lately. It's not true anymore. I've let it go. It took some help from a person that I told my self I didn't need anymore, but I'm glad that I did. I may not be able to do this to your face, and you know who you are if you're even reading this (I don't care), but at least I have the ability to do it at all now.

I can't understand where all this hostility is coming from and why you've chosen to direct it at me, but I realize now that none of this is my problem. This is entirely you having a problem with some sort of attachment deficit, which seems to be your own doing anyway. You are not my responsibilty, nor did I ever ask to be yours. You were a friend, nothing more. My job was to spend time with you when I could. I did my best, but I apologize for having highly important things to do like deciding where my life is going. I may have started "lacking" in calling you and forcing myself upon your 'free time', but you know who gets even less of that? My family, my boyfriend, even my other friends around here got put on the back burner.

I didn't betray you. I chose to expand my circle of friends, and one of them happened to be related to you. You know why? Because he's fun and enjoys being around, not just me, but everyone. This is not something that you can blame on me. It is not my place to invite you to something that I was invited to by someone else, so I don't understand how you can that on me. I know you said that you didn't care that it was him, but think about that statement. You never got angry over the fact that I spent time with other people and not you. I've ditched you for other friends before and never resulted in this. So obviously it is something with my one, of a few, choices in 'new' friends.

I never expected the world of you, and there's not much that I can do about the state I'm in. This attack on me hurt. It was an attack, whether you knew it was going to get to me or not. It did. I never expected you to wait on me hand and foot. All I wanted from you was someone to talk to when I was feeling less that happy with myself or the world. For someone who thought that I needed to be in contact more, you were quick to push me away when I truely needed you.

I don't appreciate the lies. I know what you said behind my back; I heard it all. Contridictions can't hold up when both sides of the story are known, so which is it? Do I "get" you and understand you like no one else can, or was I never there for you and never did anything for you in return? In case you are stirring up an answer for this, I don't want one. I don't want an "answer" for any of it.

These are my last words and thoughts on this. This is not an issue with something in me, like I thought it was. This is something that you need to look at in you. And while you're at it, I really wish you would look at how you are treating your own family. That makes me more anger at you than anything, but it's not my place so I won't get involved with it.

I hope you find something better in yourself than this.

A bit of humor....

2008-03-12T15:48:00.000-07:00

So while I was at work today (and still am) I came across this picture on a website that Trevor showed me. Trevor is a co-worker for those of you who don't know.

As soon as I saw it, I had to post it up here because it made me think of all the times that "interpretive dance" has been done around the theater.

Lisa, my dear, this is for you. -hearts-

Internal Outrage...

2008-03-07T16:18:00.000-08:00

I hate for my first post in such a long time (latest excluded since it didn't have much substance) to be so... negative... but I can't think of much else to write about.

I hate where my life is right now. It seems that I can't get anything just right, there's always some tiny thing that gets under my skin and irritates me to no end until I get to the point where I just can't handle it. No matter what it is, nothing is right. I can't seem to change it, because everytime I do that same tiny grain of imperfection sand gets to me and I go back into that spiral again.

I'm afraid of this internal thing that seems to be wanting to claim me. I've seen it happen before I don't want it, but the more I try, the more it comes. I'm scared of what I am becoming. Everything scares me lately. That in itself has something heavy in it that frightens me.

Part of me wants to abuse all the things I've tried so hard to maintain. It's destroyed two already. One I am glad for, the other hurts. The one that seems to be in process will destroy me if it's successful. I'm sorry to you, but not the others anymore.

I'm so lost in myself that I've lost all identity and ability to reach out for help again. I need it, so why can't I go to where I know I can get it? I've done it once before, why not again?

I feel deserted again. I need to go a find those that aren't.

Boredom can come in many forms....

2008-02-06T19:22:00.000-08:00

Well, I am at work right now. Yes, I am being paid to talk on MSN and make a blog update just for Kaitlyn.

Hearts for Kitty!!! <3333333333

Anyways... I really don't have anything to put here. Nothing really all that profound has happened to me :P

That is all.

Animalistic Instincts In Tact?

2007-12-11T20:51:00.000-08:00

So, I have not read the books, nor have I seen the movie, but the one in Jills blog made me want one of these. So here is mine.

Things have been hectic for me in the last little bit. Of course the week that my counselor tells me that I am doing better and that we have made it to the point where maybe I could do this on my own for a while and some things just crashed on me. Though now I am not sure whether I need to go or not since it worked itself out for the most part. I just do not know about things lately, and I do not know if it is specific things or if it is just a general feeling.

Thank goodness for the book that Kaitlyn has loaned me. I am reading The Da Vinci Code and I can barely put it down. It is so full of interesting information, which is all true, and is a good story and read on top of that. I have already learned a lot of things from it.

I should be studying right now, but I have decided to go play Mass Effect instead since if I do not know the info by now, then there is no point in trying to cram it all in there now. It will not stick anyway.

P.S. The reason for my lack of contracted words is the fact that I cannot figure out how to change the setting on the keyboard that has set off the international keystrokes.

ÈèÈèÈÈèèèèèèÈÈèèèÈÈèÈèèèÈÈÈÈ

hee hee

An Extra Piece...

2007-11-29T18:32:00.000-08:00

Ok I forgot I was going to post this. This is the video for "She Talks to Angels" by the Black Crowes. I woke up to this song on the radio the other day and (though I have heard it before) instantly fell in love with it. I had to have it, so I've been listening to it on repeat on my iPod when I go places. For some reason it makes me happy.

Puzzle Pieces

2007-11-29T17:28:00.000-08:00

I think things are slowly starting to come together with me for the first time in a long time. There was a long period there where I thought that things were going to be lost forever and I was just going to have to deal with being incomplete and confused. Thankfully I know that it's the opposite now.

I think I really have to thank my counsellor for that though. I've been meeting with him for about 5 weeks now (dear god that long already?) and I've actually noticed a huge difference in my outlook on life since I first started going. I went in that first day as a god-awful wreck who could barely form a complete sentence without crying, or stuttering because of the fact I was crying. It was a terrible image. But now, I feel happier, more confident, and just better in general. And so I think now that we've dealt with the majority of my psychological self, we're going to help with my physical being and what not so that I can really just continue to improve my well being in all aspects. I'm going to be more organized, more active, and focused, hopefully, though I may need some help from time to time.

I learned a lot from today's session in particular. We moved away from my mentality after bringing up that I should work on being more organized, and started trying to determine why I prefer the mess and chaos to a cleaner and orderly environments. So after about 40 minutes of discussion of various things, we half came to the conclusion that I have aspects of ADD. Hooray, eh? I've always wondered a bit about that, but never wondered too much about it. Never enough to worry about it, not that I am now. We have some options that might help, so we'll see where that goes.

I'm a little worried about what's going to happen on Monday. I don't know how it's going to work out, not that I don't have faith in everyone involved, just that I don't have faith in my own work. Everyone keeps telling me that they like it and that it's good, but I can't seem to view it the same way. Guh, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

God, I can't wait until exam time is over! I just want this semester to end!!! I am so eager to go home for Christmas because if the schedule stays the same (though it likely won't) then I will get four days in a row off that I can go home! I miss my family like crazy. In fact, I just miss Campbell River in general.

I feel compelled to do the survey thinger on Jill's blog, but I don't have the attention span for it right now. Hahaha

Well... fuck.

2007-11-11T12:06:00.000-08:00

So, I've determined this to be the worst week in existence....

1) I can't seem to finish my psych paper and it's almost a week overdue. The harder I try to work on it, the more futile the effort seems, because I just don't grasp the concepts.

2) I'm the most homesick I have ever been in my life. Ever.

3) Work cut my hours from 15+ to 3 and I have bills to pay, and school to help with.

4) Tomorrow will be my Dad's birthday and I won't be there for it for the first time since I've been born.

5) I've been getting progressively more sick as the week goes on.

6) I came to the realization that I'm going to fail the class that I have to write that paper for, and part of me doesn't care.

7) The majority of my weekend has consisted of moving all the stuff out of my grandmother's place so that my family can move her into a support home in Kelowna. It's pretty depressing disassembling a huge part of your childhood so that you can send half to storage and half to the S.O.S.

8) Though I had a great time last night with everyone, I'm sure most of you noticed that I had a pretty awful stomachache for most of the night.

9) I got home today to find a message on my answering machine to call work. They cut my hours from 3 to none. Permanently.

Basically, my life is pretty much giving me the finger and laughing about it in my face. Every time something seems to be going right, some sort of Karma or Fate or something comes around and flips it all upside down on me. I can't take it anymore...

I feel about ready to snap at the smallest thing.

House of a 1000 Muppets

2007-11-04T14:51:00.000-08:00

So I found this in my roaming of youtube videos' related searches when I came across a Halloween picks video from Rob Zombie (don't ask how I got there because I have no idea). Anyways, this was something that he found on youtube and thought was funny, so I watched it. Someone did a damn good job of this!

What they did was take audio clips from House of a 1000 Corpses and dub it over video clips from Muppet movies. Somehow they made it work really well too....

Anyways, it's good stuff so check it out!

Emo Watch!

2007-10-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

Ok... this might just be the funniest thing ever......

I would have put it in the Video Blog... but ya... you guys needed to see this now

Yes...

2007-10-15T20:29:00.000-07:00

Ok...

I am hyper!

So very hyper!!!

I'm seriously excited to see Across the Universe tonight!! I've been waiting for this movie for a month! It's exciting... shut up...

Ummm... I don't have much to update about, but Kaitlyn would probably jump on me or something if I didn't update like I said I would. Ya I'm silly but whatever.... hahaha

I want to do something with people sometime soon because I'm so bored when I'm at home by myself and ya... it sucks, but I know that lots of people are busy and what not. One day soon, if people wanna do something, someone should come visit me. Ya? Maybe?

I want to find some nifty art or something.

Oh! I got my poster from Rich today! MASSIVE DEATH PROOF POSTER!!! It makes me so happy!!! When Blogger decides to stop being a bitch and let me upload pictures I will get a good one on here.

Um..... ok I think I'm done. Hahaha

Slow and meticulous process....

2007-09-26T11:48:00.000-07:00

I swear that this is the most boring class in the world, purely for the fact that I have the teacher that I do. If I had a different teacher I'm sure that I would be paying attention instead of blogging, or talking on MSN, or surfing the net.

Something seems out of place to day I think. Something in the air is heavier than normal and things are feeling a little surreal. Kind of like that quiet moment in a movie before something bad happens. I can't quite place what it is though. It seems too... still... to be normal though.

I'm so sick of school. As soon as I'm done my BA I am seriously taking a year off because if I keep this up for much longer I'm going to freak out. I want to work. I loved the summer time this year when I was working almost everyday because I felt like I was doing something productive and usefull and meaningful. Not that school isn't those things, it's more that I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it, which is totally the opposite of why I'm here. Isn't it?

I think it's almost time that I had a trip home. I want to see my family again, and Andy, and Sean, and Dave, and Aaron and Mel. Now that I have a job I don't think that I will be able to spend as much time down there for Thanksgiving as I had hoped, which really sucks, but I guess that's what happens.

Something happy needs to happen and soon.

I had fun hanging out with Mel and Geoff last night. I think Mel and I are going to have more than a few crazy times together. I really enjoyed spending time with her. One day we actually will explode a marshmellow in the microwave and it will seem like a good idea at the time, until we have to clean it up again.

Brains......

2007-09-18T18:18:00.001-07:00

I feel like such a zombie today....
not just today....

just lugging myself from one place to the next....

What's with all the upgrades?

2007-09-13T18:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, I probably should be paying attention to my class but my teacher is downstairs getting Skittles for some sort of diagram or something. I swear that this guy is the oddest, most geeky professor I've ever had and I love it! I mean, this guy plays WoW.... to the point that he's a level 70 character. Geek! Hahaha

Anyway, I'm taking this opportunity to write some sort of update because I know Jilly is gonna harass me later if I don't. :P Just kidding.

Well, I'm sad to say that I am still unemployed. Hopefully all goes well with Galaxy or Payless or something.... SOON!!! I need a job like crazy! Umm.. class is going well enough. So far everything is enjoyable except my Cognitive Psych class, which is only for the sole reason that the professor is boring as hell. I'm going to love my script writing class yet again. I love that class so much!

I feel like watching Invader Zim at some point. I miss watching cartoons soooooo much! I want to have a day to watch cartoons with people and just veg out and do nothing. Stress free day of cartoon comedy and violence which is hilarious. Think Acme products, Willey Coyote, Zim and Gir, such things like that. I miss being young in a way.

I want something different from this year but I'm not even really sure what yet. I definitly want to avoid being put in the middle of things but I can never seem to get out of that position. Probably my life's role is to serve "both sides", and I guess I can deal with that for a short amount of time. I need to focus this year on the things that I need to do first, rather than trying to make everyone else happy.

Come on try a little, nothing is forever, there's got to be something better than in the middle....

2007-09-01T20:49:00.000-07:00

What is outside the window when I look away?

Does the world exist when I close my eyes?
The earth belongs to me and my imagination...

Does sound still echo when I am out of range?
Can you still sing if my ears are closed?
I only hear what I want to, and I love the sound of your voice....

Do the berries still sweet if I don't taste them?

What do you perceive through the buds of my tongue?
No flavor is ever the same way twice...

Is the bark of the tree rougher on your fingertips?
Will everything fall apart if I touch existence to hard?
My world is in my mind and nothing can destroy it...

Does the rain carry the gentle scent to you as well?
Is the smell of earth as gratifying?

Nothing is so good as the aromatic ways of nature....

The great thing about the world is that it is never the same between two people. Everything is different and it's very rare that anyone will ever share a sensation in the same way. I love the way that I can savor a feeling or a taste or a smell and know that no one will ever have that same experience ever again.

I want to go travel the world. I want to have all the different tastes and sights and smells go through my mind and enjoy them like I've never had before. I want to know what the world is like in all the different corners. I want to explore the earth in a totally selfish way and take all of it in. I want to see the hills of Ireland, the waves in Australia, the plains of Africa. I want to hold the whits sands of the beaches of Costa Rica, let it slip through my fingers. I want to feel the air in the mountains.

I've always wanted to sit in the window frame of a moving car just to feel the wind in my hair. Just the speed alone is exciting. I don't like to drive as much as I like the passenger seat, because so much of the world is passed by when you're behind the wheel. From the right hand side you can watch anything you want and take it in as you feel like it. I like moving at my own pace and seeing the world as I want to, even if it tends to go by in a blur.

Movies and Interviews....

2007-08-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

So guys.. here I am. Back in Nanaimo again! I think I'm happy, but I'm still getting used to the fact that I'm not just here for the weekend again. I'm not used to having a place to go to without parents around or other things like that. Even not seeing Dave around is wierd already. The biggest things are not having Andy or my family around everyday. I'm going to miss them alot but I know that they're out there and I can call them almost anytime.

To you Nanaimo kids.. I missed you guys too while I was away. Something about your brand of craziness is hard to come by and I didn't realize how much fun it was until I was away from it for a long time. I look forward to a good year out here.

Having a great roommate is going to be big this year. Jilly! You are fabulous! I hope we stay best buddies all year!

Andy, hunny, I'm gonna miss you like crazy this year though. I hope that we can have many more nights together this year compared to last year. I know how much you held back from everything then and I appreciate that. I love you!

There's not much to report yet. I had a couple interviews today and I really hope that the one went as well as I thought it did. I was seriously nervous at the first one, but not even a little bit at the second one, so hopefully at least one of them calls me back. I want to start working again really soon so I can have money for the beginning of the school year. Aside from that it's just hanging out and unpacking boxes and whatnot.

Can we at least get a new radio station?

2007-08-19T23:17:00.001-07:00

I think I had one of the worst days today. I cant wait until 6:00 pm on Wednesday so that I can finally be done with Superstore once and for all. I swear to whatever God exists and cares to listen to me that I will never work for them ever again.

It started out ok. Doing breaks is fine because it makes the day go faster. But then I got stuck on express and things just went to hell from there. I can't stand being on express. Apparently I'm just not fast enough for the people who decide they need a newspaper or pop or grapes or more than twelve items in the 'twelve items or less' lane at 8 o'clock at night and are either too lazy or too simple to work the self check out. You touch the screen where it tells you to! Sorry I can't move at an inhuman pace to give you your 13 cents of change. It's not my fault the four people in front of you had status cards.

From there I got moved back and forth between the two express lanes, having to drag the mat back and forth since there was no mat on lane 11. Ever stood in one place for half an hour with worn out shoes? It sucks. A lot. Thankfully they moved me to the big lanes at 9:30. Did that make things better? No. I turned into the Express/Regular lane where no one is happy. People with a few items are mad because they have to use the regular lanes behind regular sized orders, and have only regular sized lanes and the self check out to choose from. Who gets the snotty comments as a result? Me. People with regular sized items are frustrated with the larger amount of people with single/couple item orders because they can't get in before them. Who has to listen to them complain about how people can't use the U-Scan? Me. Know who would rather bitch at them all then smile and agree with them that all of that sucks? Ya, me.

The highlights of my day were Andy and Sean coming into the store for 3 minutes to say hi to me, and a regular customer telling me that I was his favorite cashier.

When I saw two of my favorite people in the world come through the doors, I wanted to tell the lady trying to force her status card at me to fuck off so I could go and hug and Andy and leave. That was all I wanted today, was a hug from my boyfriend. Stupid work. The closer it gets to Saturday, the more I want to latch on to him and not let go. I'm gonna miss him so much. Hopefully I get to spend some more time with him this week. I have to get all my stuff packed before I can stay at his place on Thursday, so I'm going to start burning away at that in the next few days.

But before that happened and I was still on the express lane the first time, I had a guy whose been coming to the store regularly since I worked at this store the first time. He's French, I think, so he's got a neat accent and I always end up having some sort of interesting conversation with him. He's an older guy. Anyways, he came up to my lane with a smile and says "Ah, my favorite cashier!" We talked about me going away to school and stuff and then he said that I always seemed really cool and nice and he wished me luck this year. Too bad things went sour after that so I didn't really get to enjoy it aside from the moment he said it.

I hope that these awful days aren't going to be a trend this week. Yesterday was pretty bad too. Andy was supposed to come to Superbad with me and my younger brother and his friend, but people came to eat at Joeys 5 minutes before close so he couldn't come with us. That sucked, but the movie was good. I had terrible luck with traffic and getting places on time for reasons out of my control. I got stuck behind the out-of-country drivers from hell. Who stops in the middle of an intersection and waits a minute or two to decide if they're going to turn or not?

I need a vacation.

Revenge from the back of the brain....

2007-08-14T22:45:00.000-07:00

So, I felt something that I really haven't felt in a long time. After taking my cousins to see that Ratatoullie movie, we came out of the theatre and I saw his shiny new red truck sitting in the parking lot. Which means he was now in the theatre we had just come out of.

As we walked by it, I had such a deep resentment towards what that truck held. I knew it was his from the decal on the canopy, and I did my best not to show it, but I felt ready to freak out. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to smash in each window, scratch that perfect paint job, slash all four tires to shreds, shatter the headlights, dent the body, pour sugar in the gas tank, and just abuse that truck to the point that it couldn't be repair. No matter how much time and money he put into it. And that truck is completely innocent of us. The Mustang.... I would give it an even worse fate.

I can't remember the last time I felt that much.... hate towards him, or his possessions. I hope it's not a regular occurance....

On another note, I move back to Nanaimo on the 25th of this month. I know that this year will result in good times with Jilly and I, and of course the lovely ladies who live across the hall. I'm actually kind of eager to get back to school, as much of a work load this is going to be on me. As long as I can stay focused, everything will be just fine. My environments are going to be a lot less stressfull this year.

Filter....

2007-07-18T18:11:00.000-07:00

Apparently I've become a witness of lots of good karma lately. It seems that where ever I go lately, someone is doing something good for someone else and it's given me a sort of new outlook on people as a whole. I'd started to lose my ability to see the good in everyone, but now I'm getting that back. Even if it just means that the rosey tint is returning to my glasses.

My first experience was a week or two ago when someone I hardly knew at all helped me when my bike lock screwed itself up and wouldn't lock. He offered to take me to the other two places I needed to go, and all we did the entire time was talk about philosophey and how the world was. I wished good karma on him, and tried to offer him money for gas in return, but he refused, happy just to have karma on his side.

Another was today when I was at work. I was coming back from my break and the cashier who had been covering for me was on the phone with a price check while she had a little girl rung through for a box of play-do stuff. She was a bit short for cash and the man behind her asked how much more she needed and covered the rest. She thanked him and Nancy finished her bill and took the price check to customer service so I could take over again. I wished good karma on him too, which he smiled at me and replied with "What kind of human being would I be if I didn't help out every once and a while?"

That stuck in my head since the guy who gave me a ride, who was a different guy, said almost exactly the same thing after helping me. So many people are just out for themselves that hardly anyone is ready to give a small hand to someone who needs it. And I have to admit that I'm guilty of that too more often than not. Hopefully, now that I've seen what I've seen this month, I can change that.

And it would seem I've had a visit from the Nameless One! I've been bending my brain around who you are! Maybe one day you'll grace us with something shorter to call you than He Who Shall Remain Anonymous. Glad I could have been of some help some time ago.

Hope everything is going well for everyone!!

Where did the time go?

2007-06-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

So, I apologize for my lack of updating lately. Things have been busy for me and I've got very little to talk about really since I moved back here. So I've been collecting things to report.

1) I love working at Reitman's. I've only had two shifts so far, but I love it. I could have spent all day in there today, but they told me to go home. Not like that, but we were running late as it was because the store was a mess when we got there. I think, if I allow myself to spend more than I should on clothing at half price, I will return to Nanaimo with a bit more style than I had last year. Woo! That and they do store transfers so I may end up at the one down there too.

2) I have a ribcage inflammation. I don't know how it got there or what it's doing to me, but I do know that it hurts sometimes and the pills are making it feel better. They're the weirdest things though, I've never had any like them. They're an anti-inflammatory and the side-effects make me dizzy and then drowsy, but I have to stay vertical for half an hour. Basically I need to be supervised after I take them so I don't fall on my face. I have something to prevent that in a way...

3) My brother bought Guitar Hero 2. I'm addicted to it. And it keeps me vertical, if I play it standing up, which is way more fun. I beat all of the easy and medium level, and now I'm working on getting 5 stars on all of the songs before I move on to hard. I just barely managed to play Freebird at the end of medium and survive it through on my first try, so I think I'll practice before moving on yet.

4) .... ok there is no 4 really.

I went to Installation yesterday (pretty sure only Cindy and Kitty know what I'm talking about which is fine with me) and it kind of made me a bit depressed. I mean, the ceremony was nice and all, and everything went great, but there were two things that really bugged me. First of all, there were less girls being installed than there were installing team! Once I realized that, I couldn't figure out why they needed me there, because my part was pretty unnecessary because anyone on the installing team could have brought the flag in, or the bible for that matter. You don't need three people to bring in the bible when you have like, seven girls going through the ceremony.

Second was a different kind of sadness. I don't know if anyone who reads my blog, aside from Cindy, knew Edgar Orel but he was probably one of the best people to have ever existed. Considering that most of you don't even know what I was just talking about, this probably won't mean much to you. I knew him for years before I even joined, because he was a fire fighter with my dad. Our families knew each other for years and his daughters and his nieces and I all grew up together and joined this group. He wasn't an adult to any of the girls, unless we were doing something wrong, but really he was just a big kid. He was so much fun and there was pretty much nothing he wouldn't do for us girls. I was in the leadership role of the group when he died, despite what Madison claimed during Installation, and it was hard. Things were never the same without him and they never will be. When Veronica got up to do the award dedicated in his name, I don't know why it got to me so much this time. I couldn't help crying, like a few others in the room, as one of the moms told about the time her shaved his head for us in front of a large amount of people. He had been our motivation that year, and it had worked.

I'm crying again while I write this. It's hard for me to think of him now and not get upset in some way. Over the years I have wondered how things would have been if he had lived, and I always end up crying at least on the inside depending on where I am at the time. I'm glad that I got to know him, because he was an amazing person.

I know most of that post had little to do with anything aside from personal ranting, but I'm glad that I put it out there. Keep your eye on the video blog too. I'm going to be posting videos to relate to people. You might be on it!

Love to all!

I just don't know....

2007-06-11T21:30:00.000-07:00

Ok... so I'm pretty sure this explains itself, but just in case....

So my family and I are watching America's Got Talent and David Hasselhoff is one of the judges. For some reason, we started talking about cars and stuff like that and, of course, The Hoff. So my brother tells me about this video and how he's driving around telling people to get in his car, and I've never seen it. YouTube hasn't failed me yet and it took me about 5 seconds to find it. I laughed so hard by the end of it that I was leaking from the eyes...

This rolling stone is gathering something....

2007-06-06T13:54:00.000-07:00

So, like, wow! Good things have been happening to me lately and I like it!

I did start working at Superstore again.. ya boo it's not cool but its paying me good money. I had a few call backs but they were all from other places that would have conflict of interest if I worked at both. Well yesterday, when I had given up hope that Reitman's would never call me back again... she did! So I'm now working both jobs and making more money! Yay!

And I took a nice trip to Nanaimo on Wednesday last week. My mother told me that I was apparently getting depressing and cranky so she let me take the car to Nanaimo to see people before I had to work. Well that was just what I needed! I only told Jilly that I was coming down so that I could arrange to meet up with her and Jordan later in the day. So drove down and surprised Geoff at his place and then we went to the mall to find Amber. She lit up when she saw us and that pretty much made my day. After that Geoff and I went to Jill's and then Jordan showed up. It took us a bit, but we decided to go play frisbee at the park. Even though it's pretty much the simplest game in the world, it made me feel a lot better in general. I hadn't played frisbee in so long! After about half on hour of that, it was too hot and the four of lay in the grass until we went to get Amber.

Karaoke was cool too. Wayne pretty much hug attacked me. I didn't know that people missed me so much. Davies and Devin showed up not long after we did and it was cool. I didn't know Davies was moving and I don't think I'm going to be able to make it down for the thing, so it was good to see him before he leaves.

I crashed at Geoff's place and then went to Amber's again in the morning. We went to McDonald's for lunch and then watched Sideways... which was awesome! After the movie I had to get moving if I was going to get my hair cut and get home in time to pick up my mom, so I did.

It was a good trip and I didn't realize that I was being the way my mom said I was, but when I got back I could tell because I felt so much better. Not that I don't like Campbell River, it's just that after being away for so long, it's an entirely different place to live in. Most of my friends have moved away, and with Andy working 6 days a week usually, and the remaining friends never really talking to me much, it gets a little.. well... boring.

But now that I have two jobs to work, I'll be keeping busy and both places are in the same area that Andy works in too so I can go over there on breaks or something. I'll have money so that I can actually do things outside of watching movies and whatnot all the time in my house or at their apartment. And I might even be able to get another Nanaimo trip in there somewhere!

In any case, things are looking up for me and that makes me feel really good.

How's that for an update, Kitty? By the way, sorry I didn't get to see you when I came down... I went by your work and you weren't there.. and your cell number seems to be the only one I can never rememeber, no matter how many time you tell it to me >.< Next time!

Until I have more things to write, see you all later!

... but it still tastes a little bitter

2007-05-25T16:47:00.000-07:00

Wow I think it's been a while since I last posted. Though I can't promise a great long post of fun and interesting adventures (remember where I am... ) I can say that I do have a few things to report.

First of all, Amber.... as soon as I can, I promise! I'm going to try and get a weekend to come down and see everyone. One night at your place, one night at Jilly's, and then back home again possibly.

Second... much to my dispair, I got a job... at Superstore. I vowed to not let myself give to it, but I did. And she basically hired me on the spot. So great that I have a job, boo that I had to go back there. I might get my old wage back again, though.

Third, I'm happy to say (as I was raving about it weeks beforehand) that I got to go to the Finger Eleven concert. Sadly it was only the first half, but I'm not too bummed about it anymore. It was the way it was meant to be.

Aside from that, things are still going fairly well. I may not really have to put up with Superstore for too long if this job with the Tidemark theatre works out. Hear that guys? I've been around you theatre people so long that I think I can work at one. For 12$ an hour at 36 hours a week, I should hope so. I've got my fingers crossed that it works out, because it's only a summer job any way.

I could have had one at Blockbuster if I wasn't returning to Nanaimo in September. I nearly cried when I had to turn it down. Ok, that's a lie, but it was not cool! I tried so hard last summer to get a job there! 10 free rentals a week! It would be my dream job..... having to watch movies all week so that I can do my job properly.... I can just imagine......

Anyway, I couldn't take it. All I can do is hope that either my interview at Reitman's goes well and she offers me, like, 4o hours a week, or the one with the theatre calls me back. Then I can quit Superstore... again.

What else is going on......

I saw my brother's band play last week at his school. They played a Sublime song (don't ask me which because I don't know exactly) and they sounded really good. He normally plays bass, and he's teaching himself how to play my guitar. He can already play it better than I can. Definitly the musical one in my family.

I was in Nanaimo breifly today to take Trista to her appointment at the hospital. I think I was there a total of two hours.

Hanging out with Kitty and Terry and Mike on Monday and Tuesday was pretty cool.

Umm.....
I think that's it pretty much.....

Does anyone have a Wallflower's CD?

Lemonade is sweeter with a friend....

2007-05-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I figured it was time for a post.

Here I am, back in CR, and I have to admit that I'm feeling pretty good about being here. Though I can tell the extent of the excitement here isn't very high, but I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not yet.

Even though I've only been here or about two weeks, I've already had my highs and lows. Things are going pretty much as though I had never left, but there were a few people that sure made sure that I knew they had missed me.

Liz convinced me to go out with her to the bar the other night and I can't say that I regretted that at all. I had fun, but I hardly knew anyone there. And Kitty, I have a new reason why you should come visit me.... our favorite bartender has returned from the UK.

I've yet to track down Aaron and surprise him, though Andy told him I was here, so I guess it's not a surprise anymore. But that's ok. I get a kick out of the fact that Aaron was confused by Andy telling.. well actually kind of demanding... that Aaron call me and spend time with me.

Speaking of Andy, I've spent a few night watching movies and things with him. The first night we hung out, he made me pizza and took me to see Fracture, which I suggest every one of you go see because it was great.

I finally got a call back from one of my resumes. Zellers wants to see me on Monday. It'll be a dash to get from the bus, to see if mom will let me use the car, to getting home and cleaned up, to getting back to Zellers for my interview. Should be interesting.

Sunday is only two days away! I'm very excited for Sunday. Andy, Ky and I are going down to Victoria for the Finger Eleven concert. Hooray for floor shows! Definitly looking forward to great fun with two awesome people.

Also, hooray to Ky and Martha!

Hooray to Martha and Amber for finding a place! Don't worry Amber, I'll come protect you from them as soon as I can!

Hooray to Geoff for getting the part in the play!

Umm...

I had one more and now I don't remember what it is...

Oh well..

As much as I love it here, I do still miss you guys. Hopefully once I start work I'll be able to afford to come visit for a weekend. Don't worry Jilly I still plan on taking up your couch at some point before the summer is over!

That's about all I have for now!

Oh! I get my laptop back today!!!

Wake me up....

2007-05-03T13:18:00.000-07:00

I had my first sad day without you around today....
Turns out I needed your help all along....

We're here for a good time....

2007-04-26T13:10:00.000-07:00

Well... this is my last blog post from Nanaimo, guys. In three days time I will be packing my stuff into my dad's truck and heading back to good ol' CR. I probably should be packing, but I'm not. Kitty has instructed me to update.. so here I am.

I want to thank you all for giving me such a great time this year. Had it not been for the lot of you ( and I do mean all of you guys ) I would have never made it through the school year. Because of all the love you've given me, I had a lot of fun and I may have even become a little more crazy, but who ever said that was a bad thing.

My old friends in CR probably will see the difference in me, though I don't know that they can appreciate the same things you guys do and they might think I'm a little weird now. I'm not complaining. I like who I am, and I owe a piece of that to being part of this group.

I'll miss you all a lot. I mean, I know I won't be that far away, but the fact that I won't have the opportunity to have any of you around is the whole difference.

After being accepted into the crowd, I don't think CR life will ever be the same! Haha

On the other hand, I am happy to be going home. There are a few friends there that I know are more than excited to hear of my upcoming return, and that made me feel special. A friend of mine from elementary school told Andy that she wants him and I to go visit her when I get there, which I admit surprised me a little. In my regular fashion I'm going to have to randomly show up at Aaron's house. Every time I end up in CR I always find a way to surprise him that I'm in town. The only ones I'm not sure about anymore is Liz and Sabrina. Last I heard they were still 'bar stars' and I'm not really into that scene anymore. I had my fun at the Voodoo (no it has nothing to do with my screen name) and the last time I went there with the old crowd I felt very out of place.

I grew up a lot while I was here, but not at the same time. Some of the things that I loved to do in the summer just seem lame and sometimes immature. Dancing all night in an overcrowded bar with drunken idiots and drug addicts doesn't interest me anymore, whereas I didn't see it that way last year. I would much rather dance part of the night with fun drunk people and no drugs (weed is not a drug to me) at former AKA house than that. I would rather see my friends sing karaoke and have fun just hanging out in 70 Below than try and force my way through the crowd in the Voodoo.

There are a few things that I am looking forward to over the summer though. One of the biggest ones is the Finger Eleven concert with Andy and Ky and maybe Jilly (you really should come). I know that we're going to have an awesome time together! Also, Jilly and Brianna have been kind enough to offer me a place to stay one weekend if I come to visit, so I will do my very best to do so at least once through the summer. I will be back and forth from June until the end of the summer for a class, so I'll probably see a few of you then.

And it just wouldn't be a proper -end of the year- post without saying special things about the people I'm ,sadly, leaving behind....

Gregoire, you were the first person, that I really made friends with here. You didn't even know me and you did so much for me at the beginning of the year and I never forgot it. You've been a great friend to me and you are always so much fun to be around. I hear you're not coming back for third year and if this is true then I better still see you around.

Ky, I will always remember the first time we really hung out together at Jordan's place. It was an interesting night, for sure. I wish that I had gotten to know you better at the beginning of the year, because you are such a great person. You have the potential to do such amazing things. And I have to say... I'm jealous of you for your new beautiful bass. See you on May 13th!!

Amber, I think we saved each other a couple times this year. Especially in the last few weeks. I can't imagine what I would have done without you to watch Pretty in Pink with, or laugh at Hitch Hiker's, or sing with me at karaoke to keep me in time or tune. You are a fantastic and incredible person, just like I told you in that note I left. I meant every word of it. You are one of the best friends I made this year and I wish nothing but the best for you. Count on me to be visiting you in the summer when I can, and definitely when I get back, because I desperately need to hang out with you and talk about how silly boys can be.

Jilly, you are the most adorable thing alive. You are another of the people I wish I had gotten to know better at the beginning of the year because I can just imagine all the adventures that we missed out on in that time. Next year for sure, you and I will have many more great times together. And maybe I'll even successfully steal you away from Jordan. -insert evil laughter here-

Geoff, you have been my saviour this year. I could count on you when I had no one else to turn to and you always found a way to bring me back up again. There is not enough time in the world that I can thank you for the things that you have done for me, but I can try. There are so many good memories that we had shared since we met, which I can't believe wasy only, like, 6 months ago, but here we are. Like I said about Amber, I meant every word that I said in the letter that I wrote for you. I see you as a great person and have always been there for me when I needed a friend. You could always tell when I needed someone and without me even having to say anything, would be there and offereing to anything you could to help me. I'll miss seeing you so often in the summer, so you better come to CR at least once, ok?

Yannick (aka Lisa M), I'm gonna miss you lots! I swear that when you get back I am going to give you the biggest hug ever and not let go for a few minutes. You are probably the sweetest person I have ever met and I hope that never changes. I hope you have lots of fun when you get home, and I'm sad I won't get to visit you (unless I somehow randomly end up in the Yukon) but I'll be that much more excited to see you in September. Next year will be filled with adventures and awesomely terrible horror movies (better than Frogs!) and I can't wait. Lots of love!

Kaitlyn, I have you to thank for all this even being possible. Had it not been for you convincing me to come to the song party, none of this would have ever happened. You have been my best friend for.... -counts-.... 8 years and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. We didn't get to spend a lot of time together, and ya that makes me kind of sad, but I know that things happen and people get busy with other things. I know that you'll always be there for me, and we are family to each other. My mom even considers you family (look at how she was over that Majority thing) so I'd say that's a pretty good sign. I love you for everything you have ever done for me, whether I've known you've done it or not. You've always been the one I could trust with anything and the first I ever told my deepest secrets too, often the only one I tell. I will be here for you forever, no matter what happens, and I can't wish for anything but the best for you. And there is one thing I have to say... I have never seen anyone more perfect for you than Terry. Honestly. He's as geeky as you are. I know I'll see you around in the summer, especially if you come up to CR for a bit in the summer (remember that your family lives there and I bet they would love to see you too... ok so I'm just trying to make excuses) and we'll have a good time in whatever we do. I love you, sis!!

Like I said before, I am going to miss you guys and I'm probably making this more dramatic than it really needs to be but, hey, whatever right? If I don't see you on Friday at the camping trip, I'm sure I'll see you around in the summer at least once. Hope you all have a kick ass time!

<3

This may not be the song I was going for... but it's still a good one!

The countdown to whatever starts sometime.....

2007-04-08T11:21:00.000-07:00

Ky.. this music video is for you... because I know how much we both love HIM...

Is it already almost the end of the year? Thank God I'm ready to rip my hair out over school. It's driving me crazy! I have only one project left, then I have to edit a story, then do three exams and then I'm done!

So this post is going to do a little recap of what's been happening, and then at the bottom there's a bit of news that may or may not be exciting depending on who's reading at the moment.

1) Skirt Adventure: Lisa M and Jilly and I (and Alleah when we found her on the bus... we're her bitches since she was wearing jeans) had planned on going on an adventure together after we had so much fun going on the brief Wal-Mart adventure. So we decided that Thursday after class we were going to have our fun... in skirts! We figured the weather would be nice enough to be able to wear them. We were only half right. So after stopping at Jilly's house so she could get her skirt, we headed for the bus stop. Lisa was our conserved and girly, Jilly was the bright and crazy (in a good way), I was the punkish with my imitation combat boots. We soon enough found ourselves at Woodgrove and I stop into HMV to get my brother a birthday present (the Primus 'Hallucino-Genics' concert DVD to those who are interested) as well as got myself the DVD of the two CSI episodes directed by Tarantino because it was on sale. We ran into a fair bit of people while we were in the food court too. I got a Blizzard for me and Nabil and then Alleah and I visited Kitty at work. From there we went shoe shopping/browsing with Alleah to find sexy shoes for her sexy dress, got sidetracked into Lush (one place I had never been before and will visit many times in the future), headed for the Mac counter in the Bay and all but Lisa gave into the alluring, yet expensive, call of Mac make-up. Mariposa came next where we tried on dresses for the fun of it. I managed to get three pictures taken before the girl told me to stop. Sorry I didn't get one of you Lisa, dear. (When I get my memory card back from Geoff I'll post these pictures) I ended up looking like an anime character apparently, though I don't remember what my name got changed to. I want that dress so badly and it fit amazingly. After pining over dresses, we stop in Bryans and looked at the prom stuff. Went to La Senza where we found some sexy things and Alleah and I decided that we needed to leave because we make good shoulder devils for each other and we didn't need to be sexy kittens (literally, we found a sex kit with a cat mask, but it was sexy). Checked out one last shoe store, then chilled out waiting for the bus for a bit. We jumped on the bus and I'd say we had a pretty darn good time. Made up for crappy Frogs for sure...

2) Andy: Yup, Andy is here! He got here early on Friday and we've been chilling out since then. We watched my CSI episodes before I had to go to work. I worked my four hours and Andy went to the mall and then came back when the mall closed at 5 because of the stat, and gave me a present for our (early) one year anniversary (it's actually next month but at the time we weren't sure if we'd be in the same place at the same time), so I now own Donnie Darko. Joy! We chilled here after work and Andy almost passed out from lack of sleep and then after Scrubs was over we went to sleep. Yesterday we got some cleaning done around the house and found that Tanya had yet to bring the vacuum cleaner home so I was stressing out and started cleaning with the tiny vacuum, which is meant for edges and stuff. I was also talking to my family on the phone and we both chatted and whatnot on my laptop. Then I had to work again. But after that, we went on a double date with Kitty and Terry. Went to Kelsey's for dinner and tried to talk Kitty into seeing Grindhouse, but with no luck. So instead we went back to Terry's place and 'used the Force' (aka: enjoyed his R2D2 bong) while trying to decide which movie we wanted to watch. We convinced Kitty to watch Four Rooms (in which case we probably could have just gone to Grindhouse) and I have to say that I highly enjoyed it. Yet another movie I have to add to my collection as it would cover two of my goals. Today we're going to hang out here and Andy's gonna make me dinner. Today is the day we open that bottle of wine that's been sitting in my closet since I moved here. I've had that bottle of Charlie's home-made wine pretty much since Andy and I started dating, so it's either going to be really good... or vinegar. Tomorrow the plan is to hang out with an old friend from CR and then go to Hitchhiker's. I have to send him home on Tuesday.

3) New Title: I went to the Cambie with Geoff on Tuesday for the show. I pretty much got dubbed "Hot Birds and Bees #1 fan" or something like that. Can't help it if I like your music, guys! I took some videos for a friend in Alberta and she agreed that they were awesome. Tried to post them on YouTube, but the files were too big. Need to try and figure out how to make them smaller...

4) Good or Not so Good news: I've decided to go back to CR for the summer. Looking for a place to rent was getting seriously stressful on me and I was have multiple freak-outs over it. Dad tells me that I can probably get a job out there with the municipality doing gardens and stuff that's going to pay me like 14$ an hour for like 5 days a week and I won't have to pay rent. Plus I'll get to see my family and friends and Andy consistently for a few months before coming back down here. Not that I won't miss you Nanaimo people though. I will. Hopefully by the time I get back down here, Andy will be moving with me, so next year I will probably be way less stressed out all the time. Though I won't be totally out of here. I'll have to come back every Tuesday and Thursday from June to August for a writing class. So as long as I know a while in advance and can get home before the next morning so Mom can use the car to get to work, I'm sure that there would be no problem doing things after class with you Nanaimo kids. Maybe by the time I come back I'll have a ton o' money..

Well I think that's everything for the time being. I guess I can always update again if I think of something else. HAPPY LONG WEEKEND EVERYONE!!

What do you see out there in the light?

2007-03-28T08:36:00.000-07:00

Strange Days ~ Matthew Good Band

Good morning
Don't cop out
You crawled from the cancer to land on your feet
Are you crazy to want this
Even for a while?
We're making this shit up
The reasons for being are easy to pay
You can't remember the others
They just kind of went away
So you're driving, it's rush hour
The cars on the freeway are moving like slugs
When you drift off to wake up
Do you always hit the brakes?

We're done lying for a living
The strange days have come and you're gone
Either dead or dying
Either dead or trying to go

It's evening, you're tired
You sleep walk, a robot out to the street
Are you crazy to want this, even for a while? you're driving, it's rush hour
The cars on the freeway are moving backwards
Into a wall of fire
Backwards
Into a wall of fire

We're done lying for a living
The strange days have come and you're gone
You're gone
Either dead or dying
Either dead or trying to go
Good morning
Don't cop out

Edit: So after I wrote this post I realized that when I was in one of the workshop days of my short fiction class, that one of my stories was compared to this video. It seemed that everyone really like the story and then when I went in search of this video to post here (I hadn't clued in that it was the same song, for some reason I was thinking Apparitions) it clicked in. I have always love this video, but I really didn't mean to have my story turn out pretty much exactly like it... that's my useless fact of the day....

What a strange week this has been...

So after the last time I post things went downhill. I'm gonna try to avoid talking about it too much at the risk of sounding depressive and emo, but let's just say that I was having a rough time getting out of it.

Major things that happened:
1) Fighting with Andy - This was the most uncool of them all. We ended up snapping at each other over silly things that really would never have gotten to us in any other case. I learned that I need to be more honest sooner.

2) Paper Week - Goddamm am I glad this is over. Maybe I won't be so stressed out all the time. Pretty sure I failed this last one... even though I stayed up until 6:30 this morning doing it.

3) Sleep habits - speaking of 6:30 am... I woke up at 7:15 I might add. I'm literally falling asleep in class right now. I have horrible sleep patterns right now and it's messing with me now. Any suggestions?

4) Friends are getting more depressed than me - last semester a very close friend of mine tried to kill himself, and another put himself through hell last night and a couple days before. Everyone seems to be getting such rough times lately and everyone is losing sight of all the good in their lives. I hate seeing my friends like this. Thankfully Richie is ok, aside from a broken nose and a cracked neck, but things are going to be hard for him in the next while.

5) School - pretty sure I might fail at least two of my classes this semester.

6) Money - I have none....

Ok... so that's out of my system, I'll get to the good stuff!

Andy and I have worked pretty much everything out between us now and I'm really glad. I miss him so much lately and I can't wait to see him. Things are going to be rough now that summer hours are starting for him soon and I may not get to see him much after next weekend. I think we can tough it out though, I think. I love you!

I'm really enjoying spending time with people. Saturday, I swear, was one of the best days I've had this year. Sadly Frogs was much lamer than we thought it was going to be (the frogs didn't even kill anyone!), but watching Sam Elliot 70s version saving people from various exotic animals that are very unnatural to Florida was kind of entertaining.... oh wait... no it wasn't. Thankfully TMNT made up for it. Even though I wasn't on a higher plain of existance like Ky, Jill, and Gregiore. Jordan, I still swear that Raf is GhostRider!! The WalMart adventure with Jill and Lisa M made my day too... we found some ugly clothing! I vote we do that again sometime soon, girls.

Hanging out with Geoff was been great too. As much as I like hanging out with the group, I enjoy having one on one time with people too. I kind of wish that I got to do the same with other people as well. I've come to the conclusion though that I want Geoff's family to adopt me. They are amazing people and are always so nice to me.

Watching One Acts with Martha yesterday was definitly a higlight of the past week. The two of us were laughing so hard! Martha is one of those people that I wish I knew better now because she's just so much fun to be around. As for the One Acts, good work guys! JAMES YOU NEED TO PUT ON THE CRAZY HAT WHEN YOU KILL BIFF!! We were so tempted to just yell at you from the audience to put the hat on.. I totally vote Gregiore for Pope too... And Joe is the most adorable thing to ever wear brown shoes!

Tonight I'm going to see Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy and then go to karaoke afterwards. It'll be a good change from last night where I didn't sleep at all. After class I'm going to go sleep for a few hours or something so I don't crash later...

My final note... why is there a bump on the back of my head? It kind of hurts....

Side note: check out the video blog for the Ballad of the Warcraft N00b

There's an angel in my life...

2007-03-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

Catch My Disease ~ Ben Lee

My head is a box filled with nothing
and that's the way I like it
My garden's a secret compartment
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
Your body's a dream that turns violent
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
The winter is long in the city
and that's the way I like it

So please
Baby please
Open your heart
Catch my disease

I was backstage in pomona
and that's the way I like it
She drank beer with Coca-Cola
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
She told me about the winds from Santa Ana
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
She told me she'd love me like fireworks
and that's the way I like it

So please
Baby please
open your eyes
and catch my disease
So please
Baby please
come on
and catch my disease

catch it
Na na na na na na na na na

they play good charlotte on the radio
and thats the way i like it
they play sleepy jackson on the radio
and thats the way i like it
and thats the way i like it
i hear beyonce on the radio
and thats the way i like it
and thats the way i like it
they dont play me on the radio
but thats the way i like it

So please
Baby please
Open your heart
and catch my disease

So please
Baby please
Come onnnnnnnn
And catch my disease
Catch my disease!

nananananananana
Catch my disease
nananananananana
Catch my disease
nananananananana
Catch my disease

nananananananana
nananananananana

nananananananana
nananana
nananananananana

Ok so I swear that this is one of the happiest song ever made. I had to find something like this to match this post because it just made my day....

Today I got to see a few of my relatives that I haven't seen for a long time because they live in Kelowna and they don't get to visit often. But my aunt and my two cousins, Hope (10) and Jenna (8) came over to have lunch with me, my mom and brother, my grandma, and my great grandma because they were taking a trip to Vancouver. So Allan drove me out to Terminal Park where I met them all at the Granery for lunch, and the two girls insisted that I sit between them.

We sit and get lunch and talk and what not, when Jenna looks at me. She says "You want to be a teacher right?" and I agree, so she nods and is quiet for a second and then adds, "I want to be a teacher too. Actually, I want to be just like you when I get older."

Did that ever make my day! I just hugged her and could help but smile for the rest of the time.

It just never ends....

2007-03-18T19:09:00.000-07:00

I get the feeling that I'm going to get stuck in the middle of something that I really don't want to be in very soon. I don't know what it is or who it will be with, but I do know that it is not a good feeling.

I'll be putting party pictures up soon enough somewhere.

Epic aspects in many levels...

2007-03-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

There is writing at the bottom of all of this, just so you know.... though I warn you, this my just end up being my longest post ever...

A-accidents:
01. Have you ever been in a car accident? I hit a parked van in a parking lot during stupid Christmas rush once, and a friend of mine almost got run into a ditch while I was in the car...
02. Do you have a lot of scars? on my legs and hands I have tons of tiny scars
03. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone? no, but there have been many times I wish I had
04. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? not that I can remember
05. Have you ever had stitches? thank god no

B - Beauty:
06. Do you consider yourself beautiful? not usually... but there are a few guys trying to work on that...
07. Are you self conscious of how you look? Yea… a lot of the time
08. Do you put on a lot of make-up? usually just eye makeup and lip gloss
09. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? if I really needed it maybe
10. What do you think makes a person beautiful? the kindness that is inside of them. I admit that the outer appearance is nice, but how a person is to themselves and others is what makes for true beauty.

C - Consequences:
11. What was the longest amount of time you've been grounded for? I think it was about a week
12. What would you do if you got pregnant, keep it or have an abortion? I'd most likely put it up for adoption.. I hate the idea of abortions but I couldn't handle a baby right now
13. Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people? I try to, but it doesn't always work out that way.. most of the time it happens too late
14. What do you think is the worst punishment someone could give you? Isolation would tear me apart
15. What is one thing you wish you didn't do, just because it wasn't worth it in the end? make friends with Spencer Land

D - Dealing:
16. When you are mad at someone, how do you show them? I bottle it up for a while and then after a few times I get really upset and freak out
17. Name a time when you had to be strong: I talked someone out of suicide once... that took a lot of stamina and will power, but I managed to do it
18. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting? not a divorce, but I've heard my parents fighting before and I cried
19. When people at school don't accept you, or have problems with you, how do you react? outwardly I normally ignore it or brush it off, inwardly it hurts
20. Have you ever lost someone to death? both of my grandpas, my great grandpa, a few family friends (the hardest of which committed suicide when I was 10), and a few others...

E - Experience:
21. Have you ever had a job? yup, I work at Superstore now, used to make signs in CR
22. Do you think that you are sexually experienced, or not at all? Yes and no, I do have a lot to learn still, in my opinion
23. Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? I'm a very emotional person and I react to things sometimes over emotionally, so I'm going to go with the first one with a bias
24. Do you think you are ready to be on your own (have your own home, job, etc.)? In a way yes, but also no at the same time. I like being independent but I like being around people too
25. How old do you act? depends on what I'm doing.. I think it averages to about my actual age

F - Family:
26. Is there anyone in your family you don't talk to? yes, my Aunt Charlotte. She lives in Toronto doing fashion mag stuff, but my mom and my Aunt Teresa don't get along with her and when I was old enough, my mom told me why... so I have no really love for her anymore.
27. If you had to choose, family or friends? who would make me choose something like that? I have no way of differentiating between the two...
28. Can you tell your parents or one of your parents anything? I'm afraid to tell my parents some of the things that I do because I highly value what they think of me.
29. Do you have any siblings? my brother, Matt (16 at the end of this month)
30. How often do you spend 'quality time' with family members? I wish I had more.. but when I go home I spend as much time with them as I can. I miss them everyday

G - Growing:
31. How tall are you? 5'6” ish
32. Do you think that you have grown more in the past year than any year before that? not physically, but mentally and emotionally yes
33. As a person, do you think you are mature for your age or still act childish? I'm somewhere in between
34. Are you scared to think that one day you will turn 30, then 40, then 50? Actually, yes I am
35. Do you believe you still have a lot to learn? No one is ever finished learning. I have more than some, less than others

H - Hope:
36. Love - real or not? it is very real
37. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? I'm not sure lately
38. Do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, or do you think that our actions lead the way? Another thing I'm sure about lately, really.
39. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive? yes and no, I believe that.. ok I don't even know how to explain it..
40. What gives you hope when you just feel like dying? the people who truely have shown me love

I - Issues:
41. Do you suffer from depression or constant sadness/loneliness? yes
42. Do you have any type of disease or disability? umm, not that I know of
43. Are you currently in a hard relationship or have bad luck with the opposite sex? define hard relationship... long distance sure does suck!
44. Do you think that you are alone in this world? occasionally, but I know I'm not
45. How often do you think about death, suicide or running away? running away to CR maybe, but not away from everyone all together.. though sometimes I do wonder what people would do or think if I died or got seriously injured...

J - Jokes:
46. Are you usually the one making people laugh, or the other way around? I'm not funny.. I find everyone else hilarious though
47. Do you cry when you laugh hard? absolutely.. that's the best kind of laughter (to which I add: NICK YOU NEED TO COME VISIT)
49. Do you ever get in trouble for laughing or talking a lot during class? in middle school I did

K - Knowledge:
50. The purpose of school: to better our lives through gaining the knowledge we need to survive in doing what we need/want to do, to give me a job later in life
51. Do people refer to you as smart, dumb, or average? I've been referred to as each at some point in my life, I'd say I'm pretty average, but I do have my moments on either end of the scale.
52. What was the highest grade you have received (full course mark)? there was one year that I managed to get straight A's at the end of the year.. I think the highest was 97% in Art (Harle loved us ^.^)
53. What was your last average? uhhh, B average I believe
54. What do you find the most interesting subject to be (to study or to talk about)? psychology, history, media, anthropology (especially culture and religion)

L - Love:
55. Are you currently in love? yes
56. Do people around you show you a lot of love (tell you they love you, hug you, kiss you, etc.)? thankfully yes, I love you all for giving me hugs so often
57. Is love worth it? in most cases yes, sometimes it just sets you up for heartbreak.. I've experienced both
58. Do you hate it when girls in their young teenage years say they 'love' someone that they've been dating for a few weeks? I guess.. I don't really know.
59. Does it take a lot for you to say you love someone, or is it just a word? I have different types of love for people... I 'love' my friends, I 'love' my family, and I 'love' Andy. Romantic love is not something that I will say lightly if that's what you mean...

M - Money:
60. Do you believe that money makes the world go round? sadly...
61. Is your family on the poor side, average, or above average when it comes to money? I really have no idea, but I'm gonna say average
62. Are you saving up for college/university, or planning to? I'm trying to, but rent and groceries keep taking up all my money
63. Would you rather win millions of dollars and be set for life, or find the perfect person to marry and start a family with? Much rather hae someone to love and love me in return. Money may be what runs the world, but connections and relations are what run my life.
64. On a scale of 1-10, how important is money to you? probably about a 6 or 7 right now.. so many things require money that it's getting harder and harder to get by lately

N - Naughty:
65. Are you a virgin? no
66. What do you think about doing sexual things with someone you're not going out with? casual sex isn't a bad thing unless you are dating someone already... then you're just causing issues
67. Do you know anybody you consider a slut? uh.. not that I know of.. I hope not... hehe there was a rumor about me once in high school that I was a slut because of who I was dating at the time... even though I was still a virgin then
68. If you could, would you erase some things you did in the past or make it so you did more? in a sexual sense.. ya there are a few things I wish never happened and a couple I wish did
69. Do you consider yourself more nice or more naughty? I don't know really.. I'm not really either

O - Openness:
70. How long does it take for you to open up to someone? depends on who they are and how I met them
71. What does it take for you to fully trust someone? if they've shown me that I can trust them then I will.. sometimes I've been tricked in that before though so I've trying to do better in that
72. Are you generally untrusting towards people because of past experiences, or any other reason? sometimes, yes.... stupid jerk...
73. When are you comfortable with someone sexually? I don't really have a set time period... it's not like I go into heat or anything... when I feel the closeness and intimacy needed and feel I can return it equally, then I feel ready
74. When it comes to parents and close friends, what's the limit of what you can tell them? I have a few friends that I confide pretty well everything in, the only one in my family that I really talk to about anything is my brother

P - Positive:
75. Have you ever had an experience with someone that didn't necessarily end positivetly? more than once, with different people
76. Do you agree with the saying: better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all? absolutely
77. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic? I already answered this question... "I don't know lately!"
78. Do you agree that something good can come out of everything? Not always right away, but I think that everything helps to learn something about ourselves and that's usually a good thing
79. Have you ever had a time where something really bad happened, but something really good happened because of it? more than once

Q - Questions:
80. When faced with a problem, do you ask for help or try to figure it out yourself? I more often try to ignore it and hope it goes away on its own... though that usually makes more stress on me. I don't like asking for help so I will try to do it on my own and only ask if I've failed multiple times on my own.
81. Do you often question the world and how we came about? actually yes, just not out loud
82. Do you think the government is truthful? I don't pay attention to politics, though I probably should, but for the most part no
83. When someone does something wrong to you, do you confront them and ask them why they did it or just let it go? that goes with the first question in this section.. I don't like confrontation so I usually just hope it goes away on its own..
84. What is one unsolved mystery about the world that you want answers to? evolution.. I find the evolution of people so fascinating!

R - Respect:
85. How do you show respect? ask for opinions, trying to help out when needed, basically showing the person I value them in every aspect, listen and converse in turn
86. What can someone do for you to lose all respect for them? to consistantly do things that are hurtful or disrespectful to people, constant lying to me or the people closest to me, I'm sure there's more but I can't think of them now..
87. Do you respect your teachers, parents, and other authority figures? parents for sure, teachers absolutely... anyone else I don't really talk to/interact with
88. When you are disrespectful to your parents, what is the punishment? umm my mom gets short with me, my dad is more just talk it out
89. If someone is mean to you, are you mean back or do you kill them with kindness? depends on who it is and how pissed off I get at them... usually I will just grind my teeth and walk away, or argue back.

S - School:
90. If you are still in school, what grade will you be going into? Second semester of third year of college
91. When will you graduate high school? 2004
92. After high school, what did you do/are you planning to do? work and college
93. Do you like or hate school? What do you like/hate about it? I like having new friends this year, I hate my personality prof, I hate 10 page papers, but I like my classes
94. Have you ever been suspended, expelled, or dropped out of school? I'm a good kid

T - Temptation:
95. Have you ever done something wrong, knowing it was wrong, because something inside of you said it was okay? more than once
96. Has anyone ever pressured you to smoke or drink? tried and failed.. until one time I gave in
97. Did you ever cheat on someone? Why did you do it? nope
98. Did you ever want to do something sexual with someone you didn't really know or love? What did you end up doing? I kissed some guy from the states on the dance floor of the Voodoo last St. Patty's Day -blush-
99. Do you give in to temptation easily, or are you more independent and strong willed? I'm like Kaitlyn.. I give in way too easy

U - Unique:
100. Would you rather blend in with the crowd or stand out? I'd like to (try to) blend in with the people who stand out (ie. I like hanging out with you theater kids)
101. Do you do a lot of things because your friends are doing it? sometimes
102. Do you follow trends, wear whatever you want, or wear really unique pieces? I blend styles sometimes
103. Do you give in easily to peer pressure? sometimes...
104. What makes you different from people your age? I don't honestly know..

V - Value:
105. What's the most expensive thing in your room? aside from my laptop.. my stereo or my movie collection
106. Would you sacrifice your life for other people? most people, yes
107. What is something you value not because it costs a lot, but because it means a lot to you? I have a stuffed white bunny on top of my desk that was the first thing I ever owned.. someone in my family gave it to me the day I was born
108. If there was a fire in your house/apartment, what is the one thing you would want to save? my photos or my laptop because most of my photos are on here
109. Do you think past memories and experiences are more valuable than what could happen? then the future? in a way, yes because all the things that you learned in the past will help prepare you for the future, which is entirely unknown... without those life lessons and experiences, who knows how long you'll last..

W - Wishes:
110. If you had three wishes, what would they be? to be able to get through school successfully without the help of student loans, for all my loved ones to be happy in what ever they do, and for my family to make it through life in comfort because I know that paying for my schooling is making life rough on everyone
111. Would you rather wish yourself to be happy, or your loved ones? my loved ones... everyone has done so much for me and I appreciate every moment of it, and seeing everyone I love happy would be enough to make me happy so everyone wins
112. Do you believe that wishes come true if you really believe in them? yes, because if you truely believe then not only will you have that wish there but you will also be working at it hard enough as well
113. Have you ever had a wish come true? a couple of times
114. Do you find wishing for things a waste of time because everything that's meant to happen, will happen? wishing for things helps me find faith in the things I am wishing for, which helps me get closer to attaining them

X - Xanga: Xanga (IPA: [zæŋgə]) is a website that hosts weblogs, photoblogs, and social networking profiles. It is operated by Xanga.com, Inc., based in New York City, USA.

Y - You:
115. Are you more independent or social? more social but I am both
116. What is something that makes you very mad when you see it? People needlessly slandering people I know and care about
117. Do you think that you have potential to do great things? meh... maybe, people keep telling me I do
118. What kind of person would you be if you didn't have guidance from family members, God, teachers, etc.? I would be even more shy and self conscious then I already am... I would probably be too afraid to even talk to you guys... that's how I used to be.. seriously
119. Do you think people are generally good? for the most part

Z - Zest:
120. Are you currently happy with your life? Why or why not? Yes because I have great people who care about me, no because I'm slipping more and more
121. Are you more outgoing, ready for anything, or boring and shy? I'm actually very shy until I know people and then I get more outgoing.. I'm still afraid of being "out of my shell" though
122. When change occurs, do you get scared or are you excited for it? depending on the change.. change quite often scares me, but I hate not changing
123. Do you like to try new things, meet new people? I do... from a distance (ya I'm a contradictory person I know)
124. What is the most motivational thing in the world? Faith.. not the religious kind of faith, but faith from the people that care about you in the idea that you are a good person and you can do so many things.. it's hard to not feel good about yourself with so many people believing in you

Well here I am... alive and such, though sometimes I don't feel like it. I think things are getting better with me though because I don't feel it as intensely as before. It still happens and I feel just down and empty and alone and such, just not as bad as I was.

AKA house party was something I needed. It felt good to just have a good time with everyone and be silly and happy and such.. I passed out on the couch before everyone else was on the floor (I think only Brianna and one other person beat me to it) and so I fell asleep happy, though quite drunk.

Saw 300 with people... oh my gosh was ever amazing! The style was very different from Sin City (which makes sense since Rodriguez didn't direct it) but it was still very very very awesome. I won't say anything about the movie since I know a few people who read my blog haven't seen it and want to...

I'm seriously thinking of quiting Superstore lately, but I may wait until after I move. Depending on where I end up is going to really affect my decision.

Times like this I wish I had stuck with my guitar lessons... it was always so relaxing and stuff to fiddle with little sections of a song that I had learned or found a tab for, even though I wasn't very good at it. I need something to put my mind at ease because I'm getting restless for something to do and I have very little. When Geoff played his acoustic while we were chilling out at his place after going to the bottle depot, I just couldn't help but be happy. Acoustic guitar just has some sort of good feeling in me, because whenever I hear that kind of music I just feel so relaxed and can't help but smile. I bet if I still played I would appreciate it more, but for now, I'll enjoy it as much as I can.

I also got the new Finger Eleven CD last week and I rarely stop listening to it. The new release isn't even the best song in my opinion... They wen't for a different sound this time and as much as I like the old sound, I'm really enjoying this album.

Really happy that the warm weather is coming back now. I'm ready to have the sun out and walk around town and just enjoy the day. That and warm weather time is the best time to drive around with the windows down and turn the music up. Summertime is the time of forcing pedestrians and other drivers to listen to your music! Of course the downside is that other drivers think the same thing.... unless they have good music.

I think that's everything for now... if any of you guys ever want to hang out or anything just leave me a comment or call or email me. I'm around for the most part and usually bored outta my mind.

Where does the good karma come in?

2007-03-04T23:57:00.000-08:00

Wow... what is about second semester that always seems to get everyone so down. I've gone through everyone's blogs lately and everyone is just in such a rut (myself included) that it's almost impossible to get away from it.

So many people need hugs. I want to be able to give them, but where do I start? On one hand I have my friends, so many of which are feeling down and I love them so I want to help, but on the other, I have no idea what's wrong with me. Will helping others first help make me feel better?

It happened again today. I didn't want to get out of bed at all. Not because I was comfortable or lazy or anything, because I felt I had no reason to. I ended up staying there an hour longer than I should have, as I was studying for the majority of the day. It didn't help, so I got up and then I got sick. Joy. After spending about half an hour in the bathroom, I spent the rest on the couch in my living room, depressed and reading my text for a midterm tomorrow. Even when I went out with Geoff and Kyle to Longwood Pub, I was feeling stressed out and down. I think I hid it well.

Andy's probably going to stress out even more when he reads this, and it's not what I want. Please, don't worry about me more than you already do. It's bad enough knowing that you stress over me as much as you do, and the last thing I want is to make it worse. I just don't know what to do... aside from what we talked about. But we know how much I don't want to do that.

I think I'm really looking forward to the AKA house party on Saturday, though sadly I won't be able to make it to the show beforehand. I work til 10:15 pm and I still gotta figure out how I'm going to get to AKA house from there. Maybe I'll get a cab if I can afford it. I'll be there though, even if I have to be sober for work the next day.

Well I should sleep before my exam. God, I hope I pass.

Slow times with the lights out...

2007-03-02T23:03:00.000-08:00

When The Night Feels My Song ~ Bedouin Soundclash

I'm on the rocky road,
Heading down off the mountain slope,
And as my steps echo (echo) louder than before

Another day is done,
Say good-bye to the setting sun,
See what I found, turn back to the ground just like before

And hey hey hey, hey hey hey (hey!)
hey Beautiful Day (hey! hey!)
Hey Beautiful Day
Hey, hey hey hey
Hey Beautiful Day (hey! hey!)
Hey Beautiful Day

When the night feels my song,
I'll be home, I'll be home

Into the undergrowth,
Twist and turn on a lonely road
In the twilight the day turns to night and I'm alone

And when the light has left,
I'm not sure of my every step
I'll follow the wind that pushes me west back to my bed

And hey hey hey, hey hey hey (hey!)
Hey Beautiful Day (hey! hey!)
Hey Beautiful Day.
Hey, hey hey hey (hey!)
Hey Beautiful Day (hey! hey!)
Hey Beautiful Day.

When the night feels my song,
I'll be home, I'll be home
(x 3)

Well here I am... back in Nanaimo. After spending the week in CR, I am feeling happier, but not 100%. I had planned on staying a night with Andy and Trista at her place, but I didn't. Plans got altered, per say, but I don't think things were as bad as I made them out to be. One thing worries me though. As happy as I was to be home, there was a whole day were I just felt utterly depressed. I mean like, no feelings hardly at all. All I wanted to do was lie on the couch and do nothing all day, so I did. It made me sad, but the worst part is that it happens more and more often lately. That feeling popped a few times during the days of the week and I'm thankful that it did go away at one point but I know it's a matter of time before it happens again.

Aside from that, everything was great. Friday I got to see a few friends that I hadn't seen in a long time which was nice... and silly. Oh Chrissy, how you make me laugh. I had to come back for a short shift on Sunday, but Mom let me take the car down and then drive back to CR right after. I spent the day with Andy on Monday. We made dinner and he taught me World of Warcraft. I can see how it could be addicting... I had planned on staying over that night, but that was the night that my horrible feeling started to set in (ya, I realize it wasn't enitrely what we thought it was) and I ended up going home again. Tuesday I spent on the couch, Wednesday I did the same for most of the day and then went with Andy, Sean and Kali to see Ghost Rider. It was pretty lame, but it had it's moments. Entertaining but not amazing. Sean and Kali were drinking beer in the theatre and headed for McD's after the movie (which Sean loved) and Andy and I headed back to Trista's. We hung out for a while and then Sean showed up with more beer right about the same time I started having that feeling come back so I opted for heading home again. Thursday I took my class 5 road test and passed! So I now have my full license. Then later on Andy took me out for dinner to the Coachman and then we went back to watch a movie with my family.

Seeing the play tonight lifted my spirits quite a bit. Chillin' with Lisa in the lobby was good stuff and I wanted to spend some more time with the ladies at the top of the stairs (Maddie and Nikki) but the show started sooner than I thought it would. Good show guys! A lot of the time I was kinda trying to figure out what was going on, but by the time it reached the end I saw how it fit together. I think one of my favorite moments though was when Allen's character got shot. It just looked really cool with the fog and light effects. I was happy with the whole thing though.

So I guess the only thing I have left now is to hope that I go for the rest of the weekend without slipping into my empty feeling again. As long as I'm keeping myself busy then I should be ok, but I won't be able to tell until it happens. Debating on whether I should go and see someone about it before it happens again or if I should wait and see if I can't find a pattern in it.

I know I haven't really had much time to develop many lasting memories with people, but if you have an instance or two, it'd make me smile to have you tell them to me. Ya, I basically just jumped on another bandwagon. Fun times?

This is the new video from Finger Eleven and you really should watch it. I would have just put it in the video blog, but people are more likely to see it here. I am so additcted to this song and the CD doesn't come out until the 6th. I am going to buy it.

Time doesn't like me today...

2007-02-23T08:53:00.000-08:00

So, I should be sitting on a greyhound right now being taken to CR right now, but my stupid alarm clock didn't go off and I slept until 8:15, whereas the bus left at 8:30. I couldn't have even called a cab to get me there in that time. Now I have to wait until 2:30 to go, which means I won't get there until 4:45. I'm not happy about this.

I'm aiming to be back for the show on March 2nd. I know I'll miss out on opening party and what not, but I don't work on that Friday so I'd like to spend as much time in CR as I can. So I wish you all the best of luck though I know you guys don't need it because you're all fantastic.

There are still some of my truths down there unsolved. None of you are #3. Other than that, from what I remember, the ones that are left are all you guys. I'll check back every once and a while to see who's on track.

Edit: I was talking to Trista on MSN (our friend that Andy is staying with), and she agreed to come pick me up! I don't have to sit around and wait until the next bus! I'll still only be in at like 3 or 4, but that's still better then waiting. Exciting!

Who are you?

2007-02-20T23:01:00.000-08:00

Well, this is me procrastinating studying for my midterm. I just went through the study disk and I seemed to do all right. Hopefully I can do just as well on the test. I've gotta read some articles or something before I go to bed, which is gonna suck, but it's gotta be done.

So in light of wasting time... here's my ten truths!

1. I miss hanging out with you a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the back burner and it sucks, but I know that things are crazy. A piece of me just wants some of the same attention that everyone else gets. ~ Kaitlyn

2. I'm worried that you don't take enough time to take care of yourself. If you keep things up the way you are going, you will crash harder then I did and make yourself sick. I appreciate everything that you are doing, but take some time to think about you. I'll be here no matter what. ~Andy

3. I know you won't see this so I feel safe to be truthful about how much I miss you. Surprised me for sure. It amazed me how close of friends we got to be after everything we went through in high school. I can only hope that things start getting better for you. I can't wait to see you when I go home. ~Sean

4. What is your drive? What are you motivated to do? I don't know that your energy is spent in the right places a lot of the time. Find your focus and work towards it, things will work out in your favor if you fight for it.

5. Good things do happen to you. You need to take a moment to reflect on that. I love you and I'm here for you. I just want to see you smile more because you are totally gorgeous when you do.

6. Sometimes I can't tell if you really are being nice to me, or if it's just because I'm there. You always seem to greet me with a smile, is it genuine? I'd be really happy to know that you are being nice to me because you want to.

7. I swear you give great hugs. I don't agree with some of your opinions, and I hope that won't make me less likable. Spending time with you is always a lot of fun and I hope get to do more of it. ~Ky

8. Despite what some people will say, you are a great friend to me. You can always seem to make me smile when I am in the worst of moods. Ya, sometimes you've got strong opinions that people may not like or agree with, which includes me sometimes, but everyone does. Like the above person, I hope that won't make us any less of friends.

9. I wish I knew you so much better. I hardly ever see you and when I do, you're usually doing something or talking to someone. One of these days I will actually sit down and talk to you and get to know you better. You are (in my opinion) one of the most adorable people around.

10. Geezus, how long have we been friends eh? I miss spending time with you so much! Looking at how well you're doing with your life has made me want to do better with mine, and I admit that I'm extremely jealous of you because of it. You are going to be so much better at this than I am. Who would have thought all those years ago when people would mistake us for sisters, or even confuse us with each other, that we would end up being practically the same person anyways. I know we don't talk much, but I've always had a place in my mind for you that will never ever go away. Dammit, now I'm all teary..... I hope I never lose contact with you. ~Cindy

This picture is for everyone!

Also as a side note, I have a new video up in the video blog. Warm fuzzy moment. All fans of Zach Braff should watch it.... right now....GO!

Dancing lights and pulsing sounds...

2007-02-17T02:43:00.000-08:00

Well guys... I'd have to say that I had a good time tonight. I thank you all!

As you all most likely know, yesterday was my 21st birthday. I had a great mellow day to myself. Once Tanya left for Steve's place I moved myself to the living room and sat around watching movies and such. Of course that's pretty much what I do everyday, but I was just in such a good mood that I enjoyed it so much more.

Tonight was my night to spend with friends. Liz came up from CR and we made our way to the Foundry (fashionably late) after stopping at the mall. It made me smile to see so many people there! I was so glad to have everyone there. Sorry I made you wait! We chilled out at the Foundry for a while, had some good food, a drink or two, some awesome conversations.

From there, our group made our way over to 70. This was my first time there on a Friday and I admit I had a great time. Dancing and some more drinks made for a perfect mix of good times. The DJ made me full of glee when he played No Heaven, which I requested, and we all danced to it. Know what else made me smile? Nikki, Gregoire and Mela in the cage!

Hawt stuff guys!

As the night went on, people began to part ways. Biff showed up eventually and we had some good times with him and the group. Then the music took a turn for the trance and we agreed that it was time to bolt. Kitty, Liz, Biff, and I headed over to Tim Hortons and got some warm drinks, Biffer got a sandwich. Once content, we parted way and now here I am at home with Liz watching Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back before we crash on the couch.

Guard Gordon - "Echo Base, I've got a 10-07: two unauthorized on the lot."
Echo Base - [walkie talkie] I thought that was a 10-82.
Guard Gordon - No sir, a 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer.
Echo Base - Oh, that Affleck! Backup on the way...

Guard Gordon: Sorry to interrupt sirs, but we've got a 10-07 on our hands.
Matt Damon - Oh Jesus, again Ben?
Ben Affleck - No, bullshit, because I wasn't WITH a hooker today, ha-HA!

So guys, I thank you all for the love in the past couple days. All the messages and birthday wishes and chillin' with me has made me feel a lot better about everything. I knew I loved you all for a reason.

Tomorrow I'm heading back to CR for the day. I've been so homesick that I don't know if I could wait another week before visiting. I'll get to spend the day with my family and Andy, maybe see a few friends if I get a chance. This weekend turned out better than I expected.

Good people in fun colors v.2 .....

2007-02-16T03:00:00.000-08:00

These pictures were made with a lot of help from Kaitlyn and Alleah. -love-

I tried playing with color filters this time on some of them. If you can't tell... I'm enjoying this.
Still waiting on Nick and Drea and Amanda.....

Good people in fun colors....

2007-02-11T23:43:00.000-08:00

I love you guys!

I still need pictures of Nick, Amanda, Drea, and anyone else who isn't up there that wants one

Fingers crossed for some good times...

2007-02-09T10:49:00.000-08:00

Well, it's getting ever closer now. I'll be 21 on the 15th of this month, and here's my plan:

- 15th is my day. Hopefully Andy is here by then and I'm just gonna chill with him all day.

- 16th is group day. I'm hoping that everyone is up for a trip to the bar that night. Going down to 70 to have some fun. Now, I know there's rehersals and such going on, so I understand if a lot of you don't feel up to staying. Also, any of you CR kids wanna come join me then I would love to have you! That includes you too Cindy, even though you're a Vic kid now. Amanda, Van kid, you're also a CR kid. Also the possiblity of going to the Foundry before hand.

So that's my plan... basically I just wanna have some fun with friends. Anyone with any other ideas is free to bring them up. All this comes from not knowing Nanaimo very well at all.

Hopefully I'll be out of my rut by then

On a side note, congrats to Cindy for getting the summer job in Maine!

Bandwagons and construction projects....

2007-02-04T09:29:00.000-08:00

61 Odd Questions. (so not true)
1.) Do you talk in your sleep? apparently...
2.) Red Jello or Blue Jello? Blue
3.) Whats the song thats getting on your nerves right now? Fergilcious and that stupid Unfaithful... If it hurts her so much, why does she keep doing it?
4.) Favorite Food Group: grains and wheats (ie rice and pasta and bread)
5.) What's your favorite color(s)? Green, especially lime
6.) Window seat or aisle seat? Window, always. I like to be able to watch things go by (which reminds me, Jordan... you need to get me that song.. you know the one)
7.) Ever met anyone famous? Uh... Narduar! And Swollen Members.. kinda
8.) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? for the most part.. I'm still workin' on it though
9.) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? I twirl part of it and then suck up the rest
10.) Who do you like - Ricky Lake or Oprah Winfrey? I don't watch either
11.) Basketball or Football? I don't play sports, really
12.) How long do your showers last? as long as I can make them last

- uh 13 and 14? -

15.) Are you self-conscious? quite often, yes
16.) Have you ever given money to a bum? yup

- 17? -

18). Where do you wish you were? Campbell River... I miss that shit-hole
19). Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? no, but I've sat in the back of one
20.) Can you tango? hahaha no
21.) Last gift you received? Geoff taking me to BNL
22.) Last sport you played? uuhhhhhhhh........... sardines? I have no idea
23.) Things you spend a lot of money on? groceries, phone bill, rent, text books... other then that, nothing really

- O.o 24 and 25? -

26) Favorite FAST food restaurant? Subway
27) What food will you not eat? live things, gross smelling things, stuff like that
28) Can you sing? when no one is looking..

- dammit where's 29? -

30) What's your least fav. chore? sweeping, dusting
31. Favorite Drink? rasberry juice
32) Are you a vegetarian? I think I'm slowly inching that way, but no
33) Do you believe in Heaven? I believe in a spiritual plane, not necessarily Heaven though
34) Do you miss someone? so many people to miss... everyday
35) Have you ever come close to dying? I don't think so

- I'm gonna start making my own questions... -

37) Are you eating? Nope, just got home from work so I'm going to shower right after this
38) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? yup! I like that part better
39) Do you wear makeup? less then I used to
40) Whats your worst fear? losing everyone
41) Would you ever have plastic surgery? maybe to fix my tooth
42) What do you wear to bed? mom-made pj pants and a t-shirt

*43) Are you wondering where the questions went? Uh... yeah!
*44) Did you steal them? why I would steal the questions I have no idea...

45) What kind of shoes do you wear usually? runners, chucks, or my work shoes (black suede flats)
46) Do you want kids? once I'm done school
47) Future child's name? Boys: Brody, Adrian, Justin... Girls: Julia, Kara, Alexis (no, I'm not having that many kids)

*48) Are you sure you didn't steal them? Yes!
*49) I think you're lying. That is so not a question!

50) Do you snore? no, I do something more painful but just as annoying... grind my teeth
51) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? Ireland, Scotland, England
52) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes, right now I have a reindeer that I got as a secret santa gift from my CR visit
53) If you won the lottery, what would you do? pay for school, help out my parents, get matt his dream bass, send whole family on a trip, buy a house (no more roommate!), get a car, QUIT SUPERSTORE!! then find a teaching job
54) Gold or silver? silver
55) Hamburger or hot dog? hamburgers, for as much as I like hot dogs, I always feel sick afterwards
56) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be ? chicken alfredo pastas
57) City, beach, country? country (preferably near a river)
58) What was the last thing you touched? aside from my laptop... my new jacket
59) What did you eat last? chicken bacon ranch sub (mm subway makes for good break food)
60) When was the last time you cried? last night
61) Do you read blogs? more then I should

1. Honestly, what color is your underwear? black
2. Honestly, whats on your mind right now? how I can sneak a day & half trip to CR next weekend and still get all my work done
3. Honestly, what are you doing right now? sitting on my bed, waiting for Kyla to come online so I know if she made it past round 2 or not
4. Honestly, what did you do today? worked and that's it so far
5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive? sometimes.. only when in a really good mood
6. Honestly, have you done something bad today? I didn't charge anyone for bags today, but I'm supposed to... wait... I do that everytime I work....
7. Honestly, do you watch disney channel? Is the the same as Family Channel... if so, then yes... I love The Weekenders and Recess.... shut up
8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? I have my envies
9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time? being around other happy people, helping someone get through a rough time, having long conversations with really close friends
10. Honestly, do you bite your nails? not my nails, but the sides of my fingers when I feel anxious
11. Honestly, what is your mood right now? I just am.. I'm sore, but I'm ok
12.Honestly, have you had an eating disorder? technically no... but I've had my moments (no forced vomitting was involved)
13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute? more then anything else... I miss my brother a lot right now
14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret? I have a few
16. Honestly, do you hate someone right now? yup
17. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now? Andy, Kaitlyn, Amanda, Matt, Drea, Amber, my mom, my dad, Geoff, Liz, Sean, Bobby, Ky (you give great hugs), hugs are awesome and I would love hugs to and from everyone about now
18. Honestly, are you loyal? to the best of my abilities
19. Honestly, are you in denial? I didn't know I had anything to be in denial about
20. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now? yes in the sense that it would mean the Andy and I would be in the same place at the same time... or I should hope so
21. Honestly, who is your best friend? Kaitlyn, Andy, Amanda, Sean, Aaron, Adam (wow I have a lot of 'A' friends)
22. Honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol? al-co-hol? of course! I have a bottle of wine in my closet that is just getting better and better..
23. Honestly, do you like someone? psh no of course not!
24. Honestly, does anyone like you? ya I'm pretty sure he hates me too
25. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them? I SAID NO I HATE YOU!! -crosses fingers for May to come sooner-
26. Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly? as far as I know, some of them were joking.... especially the previous three

Aside from all that, any of you who are still a-waiting my Disney-Adventure Log.... the wait has shortened significantly. All I have to do now is build it.

Out of the ashes shines a light...

2007-02-01T11:18:00.000-08:00

So I was having a pretty shitty couple of days this week. I was depressed, homesick, lonely, etc etc. The usual. I'm seriously lacking in funds for food and my phone bill and now the doctor's bill that I got from a walk in clinic. I thought walk ins didn't charge.

Anyways, I was down. That's the point.

That turned around yesterday. Yesterday, Geoff and his family took me with them to Victoria to see the Barenaked Ladies concert. We left early so we could wander around downtown for a bit and have dinner. The only shop we really went to was Utopia, where I got a kick ass t-shirt. Gotta love Monty Python. From there we went to a nifty veggitarian restaurant. After that we parked the car and went over to the Save On Food Memorial Center (what is it a memorial for?) and waited for the doors to open.

Hooray for Tomi Swick being the opener band! They were one of the openers when I saw Stabilo too, so I was happy for that. I bought the CD between their set and BNL. They have such a great sound and I'll try and find a video of theirs for the end of this post. They didn't do their cover of Karma Police this time though, which kinda made me sad, but it was still great.

Then BNL came on after playing "Barenaked Ladies are Me..." on the screens. The only thing that made me sad about the first half of their set was that NO ONE stood up or anything! We had floor seats and every stayed seated (except for two songs where they stood up and then sat down again) until after they played Lovers in a Dangerous Time. By then, everyone was on their feet and the guys told the crowd to give the finger to anyone seated that asked someone to sit down.

The show was incredible! Their sound was natural and it was very obvious that they were enjoying being up there. They had so much energy and it was just fun all around.
Though we had to work for them, they guys did two encores. They have the best tangents! During If I Had A Million Dollars, they went on some really good ranting tangents that aren't normally included in the song. Haha, ferries in the airport! Hahahaha

All in all I had a great time. In return for taking me, I'm going to get the new BNL cd for Geoff when it comes out in a few days.

Ok so this is Tomi Swicks first music video. I couldn't find any quality concert clips, so this will do just fine. This is Everything's All Right.

Also, any Final Fantasy 7 geeks should check my video blog for some fun...

Can clouds float upon a cloud?

2007-01-28T16:08:00.000-08:00

Well I have to say that was a pretty good week. For those of you who don't know, Andy got a ride up on this past Monday to come and see me and I just sent him home today. Sadly, due to my roommate being a jerk, he couldn't stay with me until Friday, but we managed. I enjoyed having him around. We did a lot of things together during the week after my classes were over, and we even went to dinner with an old friend of ours. I managed to get him to shopping with me too.

I feel good about myself after this whole week. After having Andy here, and spoiling myself at the mall (even though I did spend less then 100$), and just getting to relax on the weekend, I feel like I'm back to my normal self. I don't feel like I have that stress constantly riding on my shoulders anymore. I feel... mellow.

I got to see Urinetown with Andy on Wednesday. We got to see all the theater kids there too, but we more or less kept to ourselves. I admit I wasn't in a happy mood that day for some reason. I can't even remember why. Alleah was awesome though and that's what matters. Kitty was kickin' on the lights too, aside from the occasional blindings, but apparently those are intentional?

Got to hang out with Geoff for a bit on Friday too. That was a good mellow day, and I enjoyed it alot. We watched American History X and then watched Scrubs early (I found it on another channel). Man, that was a sad episode. Funny, but sad at the same time. I won't say anything about it, for those of you who are watching the series previous and don't want to know what happens. I will say that I shed a few tears at the finale.

Also, for those who haven't seen it, I have started up a new blog. Due to my constant lurking of YouTube, I have created a place for me to post videos that I find that I figure you kids will enjoy. The probably means a lot of Scrubs clips and what not... also music videos and other such things that make me (and hopefully you) smile. There's already a few in there, so check it out.

So.... THREE DAYS TIL BARENAKED LADIES! In light of which, I shall close with a BNL video here. So for your viewing pleasures.... Brian Wilson by BNL!

My angel wings never came....

2007-01-21T00:07:00.000-08:00

Angel ~ Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Lately I've been watching a lot of Scrubs with Geoff, and I think my own inner monologue is starting to develop. It's kinda funny to listen to and reflect on. Thankfully I don't have a rambling role model to call me boys names every five minutes and some how degrade me in any way possible... or would having a Dr. Cox be a good thing....

This week has been a fairly equal week. It's had it's ups and downs on both extremes, but it seems that there haven't been any in the middle ground. On on hand I've been ice skating twice now, but I've been sick (possibly sinusitis, as fake as it sounds) since last week started. I've been hanging out with people, but I had a fight with Andy over a silly thing last night. I got in to all but one class, but I have three major papers for this semester. I've had the place to myself pretty well since I got back from the holiday, but I'm still homesick.

It's been a while since I actually talked with any of my friends from CR. Sure, I visited Aaron randomly before I left for California and I had a moment, but that was it. Liz and I haven't really had a conversation since the last time I saw her at the bar, I talk to Lisa (not you two Lisa's... I know too many Lisa's) every once and a while when she comes online, but that that's not often. I realized that the person from CR that I talk to the most (aside from Andy), is Trevor. I've known Trev my whole life, he is my family by association, but we didn't spend a lot of time together outside of school or when we worked together. Not that I don't love you, Trev, quite the opposite. It's just that I'm wondering how many of my friends from CR were really actually my close friends.

How can we really know when people really truly care about us? Sometimes it takes a few people to almost drop out of your life to make you realize that the people you once were really close with will sometimes drift away from you. Chrissy went to Calgary (can't wait to see you in Feb!), Liz is still in CR, Lisa is practically adopted by my mom, Kyle hardly speaks to me.... What is it that has come between us all?

I've been thinking a lot about who I am lately too. It's been brought to my knowledge that I'm not like other girls, and I think I knew that all along. From what I can remember, I've always been at my most comfortable times when I was hanging out with my guy friends. When I feel down or upset over something, I don't sit down and watch chick flicks to make myself feel better... I watch something with action or needless violence. I've always seemed to enjoy being "one of the guys" rather then "one of the girls", and I dunno if that's a good thing or not. I can't see how it would be a bad thing, but I feel a serious lacking in female influence. I have my times when I want to cry over the fact that Molly Ringwald and the rich kid got together in the end, even though Duckie was way cooler. Or that Nicholas Cage gave up the only thing he knew just so that he could be with Meg Ryan. I adore City of Angels. But that was something that I only ever really did with one person, Kaitlyn. I know she's really busy for the next while, and it's been a long time since we watched anything like that together, but that was something I always really felt better doing alone so that no one could see me cry.

Why is it that I am the way I am? Can I ever really just be one of the guys and not have it be weird anymore? I can see it being ok when I was younger, but now things are different and I don't know why.

I had to put this video on here after writing this. As soon as I mentioned City of Angels I went to YouTube and tried to find a good clip from it to put here. I actually found that someone had actually uploaded the entire movie in segments, but I also came across this song (which the lyrics are at the top). I can't explain why, but for some reason when ever I hear this song, I can't help but cry. No matter how good of a mod I am in, the song brings tears to my eyes. Not necessarily unhappy tears... but I will cry none the less. That's probably why I cry at City of Angels every time too.... Enjoy!

Drowning in everything and nothing....

2007-01-14T23:56:00.000-08:00

In Joy and Sorrow ~ H.I.M.

Oh girl, we are the same
We are young and lost and so afraid
There´s no cure for the pain
No shelter from the rain
All our prayers seem to fail

In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart

Oh girl, we are the same
We are strong and blessed and so brave
With souls to be saved
And faith regained
All our tears wiped away

In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart

In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In world so hollow
It's breaking my heart

And my home's in your arms
And it is breaking my heart
My home's in your arms
And it is breaking my heart

Have you ever had that feeling of being completely helpless in making your life go in the direction you want it to? That sinking feeling in that reaches from the center of your forehead, past your toes and through the floor so far that you never think you'll find the other end of it. How much control do we ever really have over our lives?

I can feel something pulling on my feeling. It's long since past the floor, so I can't imagine it can go much deeper. But I guess that the way things go sometimes. I think it's the stress from everything starting to weigh me down again, and I was afraid this would happen. I don't deal with stress very well and I'm scared that it might start affecting everything that has so far been decent. Earlier today, I got in a bit of an argument with Andy over something small and trivial which made him angry with himself (he doesn't want to be like Mike) and it made me sad because I didn't know what I had done to make him react in such a way. We are both drowning in stress and neither of us are handling it well.

Lately I've been feeling awful and sick and I think it has something to do with how freaked out I am. I have so many things to think about and deal with that it's getting harder and harder to focus on all those good things that Jordan showed me I have. I know they're still there, but I'm losing sight of them. My family especially. I rely on email to talk to them now. That's not how I wanted this to work out. I want to see my parents, hear my brother play his bass all night, watch movies with them, watch Matt play GTA for half the day. I miss them so much, even though I saw them all less then a month ago. Who knew this was going to be so hard for me to handle.

My stomach feels like it's trying to turn inside out and I'm constantly tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I do everything in my power to try and make myself sleep on time and eat right and focus on the important things, but it's just not working. There are so many times that I get upset over the tiniest thing and I just can't seem to get over it. That's how I know I am overly stressed out is my reaction to things. If it's something I can't do or don't know or something, I get frustrated and upset. Like right now, I'm talking to Geoff on MSN, watching Sweet November, and I can't help but cry because I have no idea what I'm going to do about things.

I hope that upcoming events will help at least a little bit. Tuesday I'm going to go ice skating with Geoff and who ever else is willing to come. I'm excited for that, I haven't been skating in ages. Hopefully I can revert to that child-like happiness that is always associated with ice skating.

Also, yet another chance for some of you to meet Andy. From the 26th to the 28th he will be down here. Hopefully I'll get the chance to show him off to you. Yet, that comes with another stress in its own: for the following week I'll probably be sad because he'll be gone home again. Thankfully, it won't be too long after that until I get to see him again.

Today (the 14th) was 8 months for us. I think I posted a while back about how long it had been and I think it might be wrong, but that doesn't matter. The important thing is that we have managed to stay together with all this distance between us for a longer period of time then when we lived in the same town. As sad as I may be about it, it makes me happy that we know we can overcome that obstacle in our lives and we're stronger for it. There's only one thing that I wish.... I wish things would just find a way to work out for us for once. This is the best thing that has happened to us in the 6 years we have known each other... though I admit that it is almost everything I could ask for from it.

My dreams have been getting worse. I can tell from the way my jaw hurts in the mornings. When I'm having bad dreams, I grind my teeth something fierce. Or so I've been told. Occasionally I'll wake up and feel fine, but it's been happening more and more. The worst of it is that I can't remember any of them.

I'll be happy when the semester is over and I can live where I want, with who I want, how I want. I'll work through the summer and save up as much money as I can so I'm not a burden to my family in the next year. I may take a year off to work full time and just save money, but I don't want to put myself behind any more then I am. I'm so confused lately and I don't know what to do.

Rough times lead to diamonds at the center....

2007-01-10T00:20:00.000-08:00

Falls On Me ~ Fuel

I've seen you hanging round
This darkness where I'm bound
And this black hole I've dug for me
And silently within
With hands touching skin
The shock breaks my disease
And I can breathe

[Chorus]
And all of your weight
All you dream
Falls on me it falls on me
And your beautiful sky
The light you bring
Falls on me it falls on me

Your faith like the pain
Draws me in again
She washes all my wounds for me
The darkness in my veins
I never could explain
And I wonder if you ever see
Will you still believe?

[Chorus]

Am I that strong
To carry on?
I might change your life
I might save my world
Could you save me?

[Chorus X 2]

What a day this has been....

I got to sleep a little later then usual for a school day because class didn't start until 11:30. Hooray! It's the only class I have for sure, so I didn't want to lose my seat.

I was happy for a while today. Strangely enough it was when it was raining as I was walking home from the bus stop at Country Club. Something about the rain is just so soothing.... I've always had this vision in my mind with rain where my "someone" and I are in the middle of a large field, kind of like a school field, and it's pouring rain. We don't speak or anything, just dance and kiss, soaking wet, in the middle of this grassy area. It's yet to happen, and today was one of those days that it could have.

When I got home I was on the internet as fast as I could. I talked to people for a while, and actually spent some decent time with Tanya. We didn't get mad at each other, that's a good sign right? Weirdly, before she came home, the power went out in only the front rooms of our place as well as the kitchen appliences.

Soon enough I was talking to Andy and a bunch of other people and then Tanya left for Steve's. She says that they are probably moving in together in May-ish. Hopefully I'm gone by then, but if not I might try to keep the apartment.

Anyways, I was enjoying my day of talking on Nexopia, MSN and forums all at once until people started going offline. Soon enough it was down to Andy and Regal and even that made me happy because I was talking to two of my favorite people.

I progressively got more and more sick feeling and homesick at the same time. I think I'm getting some sort of stress related illness or something. I miss my family and Andy so much.

It took Regal a long time after Andy had gone offline to make me smile again. Then it took the workings of Jordan to get me to calm myself down.

He pointed out some very valid things to me when we talked. I may be extremely homesick right now, but it's not the town, it's this place I'm living. I think that if I were living anywhere else that I would be handling this better. I accept the fact that this town is home to me now, but this is not where I feel comfortable. Kaitlyn is here, and she loves me. I love her too, but there is the love from my parents and my brother still missing. I never thought to realize that I know they still do love me even though they are far away and that they will be there for me when I need them. I am out in the world on my own and keeping my head above the water for the most part. I am bettering my life and working hard for something that I want. That leaves one thing. I am missing the love of the person I could spend the rest of my life with. That love isn't missing. Despite the distance between us, we still have a solid relationship. After everything we've been through, we have survived this long (and for those of you who know our history should know what I mean), this is nothing new. The only difference this time is that we really are a couple, rather then just friends. We are closer then every other time.

That's what made me smile though. I really thought about what I said to Jordan when I was talking. I said that I would spend the rest of life with Andy. Now, him and I talk about that stuff all the time, but it never really sunk in to my head. But tonight it hit me. I really could spend every moment from this one on with him and I would be absolutely happy in each one. I thought that maybe the one before could have been it, but I notice one difference between this feeling and that one. Not everyone is perfect, and I know that, but with my last relationship, I found ways to hide his faults and things I didn't like about him. I ignored them. With Andy, I know he has his faults and things, but it doesn't bother me. I actually love some of them. Others I don't, but that's ok. It's part of who he is and I wouldn't want him to change them, unless that's what he wants to do. The thought that those things didn't make me want to try and cover them up and I would still want to be with him forever made me smile.

Thank you to Regal and Jordan for working so hard to help me feel good again.

On another happy note, Geoff is my hero for this month! He's invited me to go to the Barenaked Ladies concert with him! Excited!

Crystal tears of joy or pain?

2007-01-07T23:22:00.000-08:00

Alone In The Universe ~ David Usher

Jamie's on the bathroom floor she don't know why
She's shaking underneath the sink can't feel a thing
She'd love to live a life she's afraid of failure
With all the voices in her head
Now what was that I thought I hear you scream

I know you can feel it
You're already there
Asleep underwater
Just screaming for air
I know you can feel it
You're already...
Don't you know we're freaks and creature
Wake up I can almost see the light

I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone left wondering why
I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone in the universe tonight

Alex on the last train home from god knows where
A million miles away from where he thought he'd be
He's got his suit his tie his drink his MTV
He's trading all his life away
You can't escape we're all infected now

I know you can feel it
You're already there
Asleep underwater
Just screaming for air
I know you can feel it
You're already...
Don't you know we're freaks and creatures
Wake up I can almost see the light

I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone in the universe tonight

We're all infected now
I know you can feel it
You're already there
Asleep underwater
Just screaming for air
I know you can feel it
You're already...
Don't you know we're freaks and creatures
Wake up I can almost see the light

I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone left wondering why
I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone in the universe tonight

I think we're alone in the universe tonight
I think we're alone in the universe tonight

Here it is: the last day before school starts again and I admit that I am a little worried. At this point in time, I may only end up with one course this semester, in which case I will be job hunting next week. The down side of this would be that I have to add even more time on to the total number of years it will take me to get into and complete my program. Why did I have to procrastinate one that? Stupid!

So yesterday I was talking with Andy online after coming home from a day of shopping with Kitty. That was just what I needed, shopping therapy! Thank you! Anyways, when I got home, Andy told me that he had something important that he needed to talk to me about. Turns out that Mike and Bobby had their biggest and most trivial fight of all yesterday morning and Andy had enough. He said to Bobby that he was done living there, and done looking after Mitch, which is their kid, and they hardly spend any time with him at all. Surprisingly (to me), Bobby said that she didn't blame him. The bright side of this is that while I was talking to Andy, he was waiting for a reply from Pat (who lives down here) about staying with them until he can get settled down here. Now I know I'm not supposed to get excited about things like that because we all have seen how it turns out most times, but I did get a little cheerful about it. Just think! I could see him when ever I wanted and I could rub Tanya's face in it too.... stupid roommate gets to see her boyfriend all the time. I'd like to add that I haven't seen her in almost a week. I have no idea where she is. Off topic... Ok, so ya. The possibility of being able to see Andy and introduce him to you guys and not have to just ramble on and on about him and not get upset over missing him so much every other day sounded pretty freakin' amazing to me and I was happy about it. Not to mention that having a conversation with him through the microphone on my computer made my day. Sadly, it wasn't to last. Turns out that Pat's manager won't let anyone else live with them, so he could stay a night, maybe two. Add that to the two nights that he could stay here and we have four night max to find him a job, a new place to live and get the money to move into it, get all our stuff (by which I mainly mean my stuff) into said new place and still be able to get me to school by 8:30 am. Ew. I admit, my heart broke a little. Why can't I not let myself get excited over these things when I know they aren't going to work out? I wish I could talk to him right now, but I have no way of doing so except through MSN.

On a lighter note, I watched the entire Third Season of Scrubs today with Geoff and Yannick (aka Lisa M) and Ky. We chilled in my roommate-less place today and munched on Honey Nut Cheerios. I realized that my choices for meals... suck. I have like no food. At least I can survive right? Anyways, chillin' with them today really boosted my spirits. Thanks a lot, guys.

Well, I have to be up earlier then I thought for class tomorrow, which really sucks. Hopefully I'll get a chance to catch the lot of you at some point unless I die of exhaustion. Cross your fingers for me.....

Now if you'll excuse me.. I think I'll go cry now....

The fairytale ending is so far away.....

2007-01-01T22:44:00.000-08:00

Such Great Heights ~ Iron & Wine

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
And that frankly will not fly. You will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home

I know the original song is done by The Postal Service, but the version done by Iron & Wine has certain meaning to me. I haven't heard the original, and I'm sure it's good too. This one is the one they have on Garden State, which Andy has the soundtrack for. This is our song. I heart you, Geoff, for sending to me earlier today.

The Disney-Log isn't ready yet. I'm just waiting for Dad's photos and short video clips which he took on the digital camera. I'm excited.

Well now, here's the New Year and what am I to do? I haven't made a resolution yet, but it'll most likely end up along the lines of moving out of this shitty living arrangement and getting out of my shitty job. I've decided I hate them both.

Today was great until I went home. I should have just stayed at AKA house the whole day. We watched Sleeping Beauty and I highly enjoyed it. Thanks to Geoff again for driving me home. I sat around waiting for Jordan to call cuz he said something about going to a movie around 4. Nothing. Oh well, no big deal.

I had a great time last night with the AKA house party. Being dressed up (and in pants) and drinking wine and playing Trivial Pursuit was just so awesome. some how our team ended up winning, even though most of the time we weren't paying attention. Go Team Dot Com Stock. From there Geoff and I decided that we were going to go on a mission for firewood and an ax (since we had already found a corkscrew) so we took off to find those. When we got back Alana had already beat us there. I dunno when or where she disappeared to. I don't know her anyways.

I got my Charlie Wine open and let everyone try it. Some people liked it, some didn't. I'm glad at least one person decided to share it with me cuz I would have been on the floor if Martha hadn't had some too.

We did the countdown and that was pretty cool. I kissed Kaitlyn ^.^ I missed Andy a lot in the couple moments before I did so and I almost felt like crying, but I was ok. Not that I didn't enjoy kissing Kitty or anything.

I had another glass of wine after that and I felt pretty happy. I danced with Amber and Maddie and that was a lot of fun. I don't remember a lot of things that happened because I was so tired already. My buzz from the wine wore off pretty quick, but by then I was done drinking and I let myself come down again. A lot of people had left already and now Martha and the Non-Existent Lee were in a text war with each other. I had decided early on that Lee didn't exist because he said something about not liking Billy Idol. I love Billy Idol...

Anyways, I almost fell asleep on the couch but then we went and saw Alleah at work. When we got back it was around 4 am and I was just burnt out like crazy. My week of walking around Anaheim caught up with me and I was just so tired. I got some boo-urns for going to bed, but I did it. I was tired and I was about ready to start crying. It was another one of those moments that I really missed Andy. So I curled up in Kitty's bed by myself and before I could even think of anything that made sense, I was sleeping.

Really good sleep! I slept until almost 1 and it felt really good. When everyone was awake, we watched Sleeping Beauty. I haven't seen that movie in a long time, so I enjoyed that a lot.

Then when I got home I called Andy and we had a good talk. I ended up in tears because I miss him so much. I didn't think that New Years was going to be this hard without him around. I've decided to go back to Campbell River for a few days before school starts again and I don't get to go back for a while.

Does anyone know of anything that will make me smile and be happy again?
Anybody want to move out of where they are and find a place to live with me?

The afterburn never wears off...

2006-12-30T16:38:00.000-08:00

What's this? A new post? Does that mean..? Yes it does!

I'm back from a joyful time down in the sunny land of California! Hooray!

Just pretty much wanted to let you all know that I am alive and my plane didn't crash or anything. I wasn't kidnapped by Americans. Mickey Mouse didn't murder me in my sleep.

I will be setting up a separate log for my adventure journal which I kept while I was there. Once its all set up and ready I will post the link here and on my links slot.

Hope everyone had a great holiday!

Your joy lights up the room...

2006-12-15T12:27:00.000-08:00

Crazy ~ Gnarls Barkley

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Probably

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

Uh, uh

Well my friends, this will probably be my last update until the new year. I can't believe that this time next week I will be in another country. Yes Ky, I know: Campbell River Baby. Still doesn't change the fact that I am excited.

I hope you all have a great Christmas holiday! Best wishes and merry times to all. If you end up having a party, have tons of fun!

To those of you in Christmas Carol, I hope you guys have the most awesome time ever. I will be there in spirit, watching and clapping loudly. Though you may not be able to hear it, it will be there.

To all the other performances going on (I don't know what they are or when they go), I wish the best of luck as well. You all are amazing, no matter what you do.

I can now say with certainty that I am excited. Andy will be in tonight, Amanda is coming in tomorrow. The three of us are going to the mall tomorrow. Tomorrow night we are hanging out with Kitty and Drea (yay!) and it will be like old times back in CR.

I want to thank all of you before I go. Thanks for helping me fit in around here. I'm not alone, thanks to all of you.

Merry Christmas everyone! I'll see you all in the New Year! Let me know if there's a New Year's thing going on!

Crazy ~ Gnarls Barkley
This video always makes me smile

Crushed in the will to live..

2006-12-09T13:59:00.000-08:00

Well I have totally enjoyed going out pretty much every night this week. Ever since I made my post about the dillemma with my roommate, I've been invited somewhere or something. It was really nice to get out of the house, even though she wasn't there most of the time. Amazingly.. she was at home alone last night.

Though the stress of being ready to murder my roommate has passed, the even more daunting stress of exams is kicking me in the face. When I wasn't with people, I was on my laptop reading my notes. Too much stress has been pushing down on my shoulders this month and I seriously need to be given a massage or something. On Wednesday, when Jordan saved me from missing my exam (I heart you forever for that by the way) I got sick before he got there. Then on my way up to the room I nearly fainted from not being able to breathe. I don't know why I get so worked up over little things like that, but I think there might have been other things on top of it. Why am I so stressed? I should be bouncing up and down thinking about how much fun I'm going to have in two weeks, but all I can focus on is how much I think I'm going to ruin my chances of moving on with what I'm doing.

I can't wait for my exams to be done so I can relax a little. I've been trying to distract myself for the moment by trying to figure out how Kitty did all that stuff to her blog... I want to change my colors and stuff! Though, I did find cool headers and stuff where I can write little quoty things...

So, I'm trying not to get my hopes up like I did last time, but it may work out that on the 15th Andy might be able to get up here for the weekend. It'll kinda suck because I'll have to work for a large part of it (one shift is at 9:30 am, blech) but I'm sure we can work everything out. Also, Amanda might come for a day or two. Very excited about that too. I miss you a lot, Manna! So hopefully everything works out, but don't let me get my hopes up or I may end up just super down again.

I think that's it for me today. I'm up for things to do if anyone wants to steal me away somewhere and do something fun. Just gimme a call, or email or whatever. When I'm not out somewhere I'm glued to my computer.

And now for your viewing pleasure, The Messenger by The Tea Party...

Shadows pass by without a second glance..

2006-12-05T16:28:00.000-08:00

New Girl ~ The Suicidal Machines

Well, I can't wait to tell you all about her.
All about my new girl.
(He can't wait to tell you 'bout his new girl.)
And I can't wait for you to hear me shout it.
All about my new girl.
(He can't wait to tell you 'bout his new girl.)

Ahhh

When we were together,
You tried to break my heart.
So, you always did your best
To keepin' us apart.
And now you're dead and gone.
I got a new thing going.
Can't wait to see your face
When you and your friends show up.

So, I got a (A NEW GIRL!) [4x]

Something makes you think that you're some kind of winner.
So, you wanna get married and cook somebody's dinner?
So, you're makin' fun of my 'cause I'm young and got no money.
You've got no time for school 'n books.
You've got no time to study.

Well, I can't wait to tell you all about her.
All about my new girl.
(He can't wait to tell you 'bout his new girl.)
I can't wait for you to hear me shout it.
All about my new girl.
(He can't wait to tell you 'bout his new girl.)

THE NEW GIRL!

So, I got a (A NEW GIRL!) [x4]

Hey! [x16]
Ahhhhhhhhh

You're the type of girl that any guy would die for.
That's the way it looks
And I'm really glad to think so.
Sunk into my friends and your popularity.
But you never ever took the time to see the real me.

Well, I can't wait to tell you all about her.
All about my new girl.
(He can't wait to tell you 'bout his new girl.)
I can't wait for you to hear me shout it.
All about my new girl.
(He can't wait to tell you 'bout his new girl.)

THE NEW GIRL!

So, I got a (A NEW GIRL!) [x4]

He can't wait to tell you all about.. (THE NEW GIRL!) [x4]
THIS ONE!
NEW GIRL!

Hey guys. I know this song is kind of out of placce in light of today's entry, but it's just too much fun to listen to. I recommend it to everyone who can handle 90's punk music.

Happy Ninja Day everyone! Apparently December 5th is Ninja Day, where all people have the chance to be a ninja! I, of course, couldn't pass up the chance to be a ninja so I found myself a scarf and my friend's oversized black coat and made myself a shotty ninja costume.

What do you mean "Ninjas don't wear green plaid scarves"?

On another note, Andy can't come up for at least a week now. Bobby and Mike back out on getting him up here like they said they would, and Tanya says I can't have him around until after her big important exams. Apparently these two will determine on whether she can get into the program or not. I wonder if I'll even see her this weekend...

So, sadly, this will be another week that I go by with a bunch of let downs, possibly next week as well. Things just don't want to work for me eh?

On that note... ya I have no other notes this time...
Anyone wanna do something with me?

A letter...

2006-12-03T23:53:00.000-08:00

Israel's Son ~ silverchair

Hate is what I feel for you,
And I want you to know that I want you dead.
You're late for the execution...
If you're not here soon, I'll kill your friend instead.

All the pain I feel
Couldn't start to heal
Although I would like it to

I hate you and your apathy.
You can leave, you can leave, I don't want you here.
I'm playing this pantomime,
But I don't see you showing any signs of fear.

All the pain I feel
Couldn't start to heal
Although I would like it to

This time I'm for real
My pain can not heal
You will be dead when I'm through

Pain and execution
Put your hands in the air
Put your hands in the air
The air... yeah

I am, I am Israel's son
Israel's son I am
Put your hands in the air
Put your hands in the air

Why the fuck do I have to have a fucking time restraint on how long I can see my fucking boyfriend!? Fuck! You get to see yours every fucking day! Do you have any idea on how much that really brought me down? Fuck you! You sit there and talk to me like you fucking understand how I feel and now I know you’re fucking lying! Fuck your rules! I fucking live here too! Next time you want to do something maybe I’ll pull a fucking rule on you! Fuck! You have no fucking idea...

Finally I get to see him and out of the kindness of someone else’s fucking generosity AND MY OWN... and you bring it down with a time limit! Why don’t you try being away from yours for five minutes? Try being away for a day. Try a week. Try a FUCKING MONTH! Then you tell me if you can handle having ME tell YOU that YOU ONLY GET TWO NIGHTS TOGETHER and then be apart for another MONTH!

Try not having a cell phone. Try not having internet. Try having to pay extra for every time you use the phone. Try living away from pretty much everyone you ever knew. Try living without him for even just a week. Try not having a car. Try relying on other people to get him messages. Try going through everything we had to go through to be together! Try six years of friendship! Try nearly seven months worth of an earned relationship! Try cherishing every second you hear his voice on the phone because you don’t know when you might hear it again! TRY FUCKING ENJOYING EVERY INSTANCE YOU GET TO SEE HIM BECAUSE IT WILL BE A LONG TIME BEFORE YOU GET TO AGAIN!

Try spending everything you have just to get those two nights....

Then try doing it all again. Time after time after time.

How many days have you spent with yours? 8 and still counting.

Sorry about that guys. I had to get that out of my system. I was talking to my roommate over MSN today (she's at her boyfriend's for the night), and she told me that Andy can stay here for a maximum of two nights. I realize that he may have to go back around then anyways, but it just makes me mad that she would do that to me.

Entertainment and truth can go hand in hand...

2006-12-02T22:15:00.000-08:00

Spokesman ~ Goldfinger

What happened to dignity
Did it go away again?
Just like some worn out trend?
Will I still defend emotions?
What happened to honesty?
I don't see it on the Top Ten
I only see it in what has been
Cuz I still defend devotion

Am I alone?

Don't wanna rest
I don't wanna breathe
When I wanna hear about life
Don't wanna hear a spokesman
I don't wanna test
I want to believe
The god damn singer wrote the song
Don't wanna hear a spokesman

What happened to integrity
I don't see it on MTV
All I see is choreography
And I'll never be a dancer
What happened to puberty?
Bad skin and insecurity?
And who the fuck is Felicity?
Cuz I got problems of my own

Am I alone?

Don't wanna rest
I don't wanna breathe
When I wanna hear about life
Don't wanna hear a spokesman
I don't wanna test
I want to believe
The god damn singer wrote the song
Don't wanna hear a spokesman

Don't wanna rest
I don't wanna breathe
When I wanna hear about life
Don't wanna hear a spokesman
I don't wanna test
I want to believe
The god damn singer wrote the song
Don't wanna hear a spokesman

Don't wanna rest
And don't wanna breathe
When I wanna hear about life
Don't wanna hear a spokesman
I don't wanna test
I want to believe
The god damn singer wrote the song
Don't wanna hear a spokesman

I don't wanna rest
And don't wanna breathe
When I wanna hear about life
Don't wanna hear a spokesman

That's a really fun song to listen to. If any of you want to hear it, I can send it to you, or I guess you could look it up.

So I called Bobby's today to talk to Andy, and Mitch (Bobby's 2 year old son) answered the phone. He can't talk and doesn't quite understand "Go get mom", but it was so cute to hear him babble into the phone. Finally, Bobby made it to the phone and answered. At first she thought I was someone else, and then when she figured out it was me, after I asked for Andy and assured her I was in Nanaimo, she told me something exciting. Apparently, since Andy's been down lately, Bobby and Mike were thinking about sending him down here for a few days. Sean has offered to take over looking after Mitch, and Mike might drive him down on Tuesday. I might even get him out to karaoke, hahaha. Last week, Davies asked me when I was going to get Andy down here. Turns out it may be sooner then I thought.

I'm thankful that classes are over this week. It'll be nice to get some time to just hang out before I leave. Still really excited about this!

Also, I decided to jump on the "I like" bandwagon....

I like mystery novels. I like crime novels. I like action movies. I like vampires. I like to people watch. I like finding constellations. I like lying in the grass in the summer. I like walking in the rain until I’m soaked. I like to doodle. I like to see people smile. I like music. I like learning Indie music from Geoff. I like to write. I like the color green in all shades. I like photography. I like tiger lilies. I like well done bondage photos. I like to daydream. I like the idea of spirits, and I do believe in them. I like the idea of love at first sight. I like dark artwork. I like to do dark artwork. I like the taste of mint and chocolate. I like pasta. I like to cook. I like to make things. I like giving things to people. I like spending time alone. I like being around people more. I like my friends. I like boys. I like girls too. I like making people smile. I like roleplaying online. I like piercings. I like tattoos. I like leather boots. I like long coats. I like scarves. I like gloves. I like my glasses. I like the emo clothing style, not the attitude. I like guys in dress clothes. I like handcuffs. I like it when people play with my hair. I like giving massages. I like kids. I like the way blood looks. I like being happy. I like cartoons. I like to watch improv. I like making music videos. I like seeing Kaitlyn acting. I like watching Andy draw. I like watching Jordan.. be... Jordan.... (there’s no other word for you, hun ^___^) I like going to the movie theater. I like cute lingerie. I like living away from home for the first time. I like visiting Campbell River. I like knowing that there is a person just like me out there. I like reading graphic novels. I like having red hair. I like being in water. I like the sound of slow acoustic guitars. I like seeing concerts in small venues.

Laughter can cure all ails...

2006-11-29T17:42:00.000-08:00

No song today... I have funny videos instead. Read on!

So in the three days that I have been at home sick with God knows what (hopefully the doctor will let me know soon), I've been watching a lot of clips on YouTube. Yesterday I came across one from Whose Line is is Anyway? and I've been watching them ever since. I used to watch this show all the time and I heard that more are coming out so now I have to figure out where.. I love improv comedy!

hilariously funny! For some reason made me think of all you theatre kids....

In my addictedness, I found clips from an episode I remember watching a few years ago. Before he was famous, before anyone even knew who he really was. Stephen Colbert. The rest of the clips were pretty funny, and I advise you all to look them up on YouTube, but I had to put this one on for the sake of the fact that, well... he raps... ENJOY!

Emptiness fills the spaces without ----

2006-11-26T22:05:00.000-08:00

The Messenger ~ The Tea Party

Got a letter from a messenger
I read it when it came
It said that you were wounded
You were bound and chained
You had loved and you were handled
You were poisoned, you were pained
Oh no
Oh no
You were naked, you were shamed

You could almost touch heaven
Right there in front of you
Liberty just slipped away on us
Now there's so much work to do
Oh the door that closes tightly
Is the door than can swing wide
Oh no
Oh no
Not expecting to collide

For a minute I let my guard down
Not afraid to be found out
I completely forgot dear
What our fears were all about
Oh no there's no need to be without

If there's a chance I would take it
This desire I can't kill
Take my heart please don't break it
I will crawl to your foothill

I'm frightened but I'm coming
Please baby please lay still
Oh no
Oh no
I'm not coming for the kill

Oh no
I'm not coming for the kill

Oh no
I'm not coming for the kill

I had a good time at Kylen's last night. I think everyone had a good time. Seemed to be a generally good feeling... very naked. First time I'd drank in a while, still debating on whether that was a good thing or not. I managed to drink about a third of a 2-6 of vodka to myself, minus one shot that Kitty took. May not sound all that impressive, but I'm a light weight.

The snow is crazy. It's been so long since I've been around this much snow that wasn't instantly slush, like CR snow. Driving to and from Ky's with Jordan was an ordeal. I swear we were gonna die.

Speaking of which, had at least three horror movie moments this weekend. First was with Jordan and Lisa on our way back from Improv night. We were trying to get out of Ladysmith and back to the highway when we somehow got onto a back road that was dirt and gravel and the only lights around were the headlights. Very creepy. So we decided that werewolves took over the town. Second was with Jordan and James on our way to Ky's. I don't remember exactly what happened, but it also involved werewolves and snow. Finally was at Ky's place with Jordan and Nikki and Alleah provided our finale. As we were all sitting there, the power began to go out. Ky lives in a cabin type house surrounded by trees and stuff. Very horror movie like. Alleah got killed. Can't remember if she was topless then or not.

Thanks to Heather, she showed me a clip from Who's Line Is It Anyways? on YouTube and now I'm additcted to it... again. She was so determined to help me feel better earlier. It worked.

Oh ya, was down today after Adam left. Oh ya, Adam came to see me today. Ok, back on track. Down. Not too big of a deal. I can deal. Painful is all I really have to say about that.

Adam. We went Christmas shopping together and went to dinner. I missed him a lot. I was really glad to see him again.

Ok, now my exciting news. If any of you are planning to have me around during the winter break, exclude the 21st to the 29th cuz I'll be in California. Ya that's right. My family is going to Disneyland/Universal for Christmas! So excited! Ok, that makes me sound lame but here's my reasoning: I've never left the country, I've never been on a plane, I've never been to Disneyland. I am sad about one very important thing though, I have to leave Andy behind. So I think I'm going to go back a couple days early so I can see him before I have to be away. I think what I'll do is bring my laptop with me or something so I can keep in touch with people over the break, as well as keep you all updated on my childish fun. Mwa hah!

Ok I'm done for now.

Everything gravitated to the center...

2006-11-23T15:03:00.000-08:00

More ~ J. Englishman

Well she says life sucks it's the truth I mean
Didn't you think it'd be better than this
So where's that prize that I was promised?
Where's my great reward?
Where's my happiness?

Coz I want something more
I need something more

We're all style over substance and
We're pride reluctance to the bitter end
So give me passion over reason
Give me something to believe in
And I'll be content

Coz I want something more
I need something more

Give me passion give me feeling
Give me something to believe in
Give me passion over feeling
Give me reasons to keep breathing (x3)

Coz I want something more
I need something more
I need something
I want something
I need something
Give me something
Coz I want something more
I need something more

Give me passion give me feeling
Give me something to believe in
Give me passion over feeling
Give me reasons to keep breathing (x3)

Give me passion

Ok so this is most likely going to be my longest post ever...

In the past few days I've been the central focus point for the problems of a lot of people. I don't mind that so much, but I'm getting to that point where it's getting to be too much for me. I like helping people, I really do, but when someone is asking me to make decisions for them it gets to be too much.

I had another friend talk to me about dying that night that I heard about Sean. He's also still alive, but it turns out that he's been drinking since Sunday and he has heart problems. I hope he's going to start taking care of himself soon.

I had a lot of fun yesterday at karaoke. I didn't sing myself, but I sang with other people. When Geoff did Piano Man and we all sang with him was way too much fun. I always found that to be a really good song to bring people together. I don't know that we could have fit many more onto the chain we had going. I heart you Geoff!

After this past week I feel like I fit in a lot more then I did before. Seems that more and more people know who I am and talk to me when I'm just sitting around. Makes me feel good, even if all it is is people being nice.

I can't wait until Christmas break! My dad is plotting some sort of trip pr something and won't tell anyone in my family what it is. I'm terribly excited, and if I can afford it I may bring some things back for people. Depending on where we go. All I know is that it involves a plane and I've never been on a plane before. Hopefully there won't be any snakes.

Saw the James Bond movie twice. Sean Connery is still the best Bond... but Daniel Craig is still pretty hawt. Those blue eyes are just so sexy!

I think I need to go to another concert. I've never been to a full scale concert, but I kind of like the smaller venues. Much more personal. I think something like the Stabilo concert would be perfect for me right now. Calm but awesome. Those guys are super nice, by the way. And tall....

I've really gotten into different music this year. Hanging out with so many new people have given me new bands to listen to and so far I like them all. Rick, you are my hero for re-introducing me to Mindless Self-Indulgence, as well as hooking me on Blood Brothers. Geoff... I heart my music lessons with you. I shall be addicted to Indie in no time if this keeps up.

I'm really glad to be hanging out with Jordan again. You're way too much fun to not be around! Sorry your birthday present was so late.

Amber, I have a mark on my collar bone from you. I love it! You give the best bites and nibbles ever! I couldn't believe when my knees gave out on me. Hawt!

I re-discovered how comfy my bed is to sit on and just chill out. I may just watch a movie on my laptop so I don't have to move to the couch and use the TV.

Ok so I was feeling left out on the trend... go ahead, call me a poser if you want. I'm gonna do it anyways....

- I have to wear my glasses to do anything
- I love wearing my glasses
- I still have my N
- I have never owned my own car
- I never really though I was attractive at all, so I can't seem to understand why other people do
- I hardly ever watch TV anymore, aside from CSI
- I was a Brownie and a Girl Guide
- When I was 6 I had a cat named Zeke, I still miss him
- City of Angels always makes me cry
- I was (and I guess I still am) a Job's Daughter [for the love of God don't ask me about it, please]
- I met Narduar (if you don't know who that is, that shows how impressive the meeting must have been)
- Many people mistake my friendliness for flirting and visa versa
- My natural hair color is brown
- I have never been further than Edmonton
- When I get married I want it to be in the fall.
- Autumn is my favorite season. I find the colors beautiful and I think everything seems so serene and magical.
- No one used to believe me when I told them that Tanner was my cousin... my female friends seemed to love him
- I am an online RPer
- One day I'm going to get a tattoo of wings with the Kanji symbol Tsubasa in the middle
- I want my tongue pierced so badly
- My brother and I get along really well and always have. I miss him alot.
- I was mad when they turned the only dance club in Campbell River into a strip club for the majority of the day now, even though it was my last night in town
- I played clarinet in band class
- The only reason I stayed in band class as long as I did was so I could go to Edmonton and I could see my friend Amanda
- I think my eyes are my best feature
- I sometimes get unexplainable chest pains
- One thing I want to learn before I can't is how to swing dance well
- I still love the Fraggles
- Most of my musical interests come from my dad. When my brother and I were young, one thing that we did with my dad all the time was listen to music.
- Hence why I love jazz and blues and classic rock more then anything else
- The Blues Brothers always makes me think of my dad
- I learned to sew from my mom, but sadly forgot how to do most of it
- My brother also has a high influence on my music tastes. Thanks to him I discovered the Dropkick Murphys.
- I could never live without my music and my movies
- My nicknames consist of Steph, Stephie, Stephernini, Stephernefer, Stepherino, Pervy, Karen (when I've done something bad), as well as others
- Kaitlyn (Kitty, Donna, whatever) calls me the Pop Culture Queen for some reason..... ok I know why...
- I didn't lose my virginity until last year
- I had a mushroom cut when I was 5
- I wish I could pull off fire engine red hair
- I really miss Adam, Nick, Amanda, Aaron, and Liz. I haven't seen any of them for so long.
- My favorite color is Lime Green (booya Amber!)
- I took Japanese for three years in high school.. I think I forgot it all
- I love video games
- But I would rather watch people play a game then play it myself
- My favorite movies are Pulp Fiction and Interview with the Vampire
- My dream job right now would to be to work in a video rental place until I get my teaching degree
- I wish I could sing as well as I used to
- I love to read
- My favorite Looney Tunes character is Marvin the Martian
- I watched Beakman's World BEFORE Bill Nye because Beakman's World came FIRST!! My dad and I would never miss it when I was young
- I care about people alot
- I hate being angry
- When I'm going to sleep I'll sleep on my side with my body pillow so it feels like there's someone there with me.
- I don't sleep well when I'm alone
- Quite often I'm convinced I have depression, but other times I'm too happy to even think that
- Sometimes I get upset and I can't figure out why
- I love to draw with charcoal and chalk
- Black and white photos are so much nicer than color ones
- I am the only one that carries my belief system. No one else seems to understand it properly.
- Therefore, no one knows what I believe in because I don't tell people
- Hand massages make me melt
- I used to lie about being teased in elementary school. I told people that a guy in my school teased me more then he did.
- I have a fetish for vampires
- My first kiss was with a guy who turned out to be gay
- When it rains it reminds me of home.
- When it rained at home I used to go to the park near my house and go on the swings
- I have always had more guy friends than girl friends
- I worry about people I care about more then I should
- I've only ever really had two jobs: One was at a sign making shop and the other is at Superstore.
- I miss working at the sign shop
- I am an Aquarius
- I own two corsets. Only five people have seen me in either of them.
- My two guilty spending pleasures are coats and lingerie
- I miss the social aspect of high school. We had a great group of friends
- I'd much rather have an average sized guy then one with a lot of muscles
- Dark curly hair makes me smile. I think it looks gorgeous
- I am incredibly self-conscious, but I try very hard to hide it
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail is so awesome
- I love to walk in the rain
- I am a water person. I love being wet or swimming or even just being near water
- I've never left Canada that I can remember
- I was at Expo '86.
- I want to go skinny dipping.
- I was a pot smoker for a total of about 9 months and then stopped again
- I am a non-self-appointed guidance counsellor, in the most basic form. I like to help people with things that bother them. I even have a few regular "clients." Don't worry, I don't charge.
- If I could regain contact with any friend I don't have contact with now, it would be Rowen. He was a great friend and I hope he's doing well.
- My dream car is a 1969 Ford Mustang Mach One in either lime green or cobalt blue
- The friend I have stayed in contact with the longest is Cindy (over 15 years)
- I still have letters from when Sean lived in Sayward, notes from Kitty that we passed in class, and letters from my extended family in England
- I can't find any of Andy's letters he sent from Calgary and Fort Saint John
- I had a pen pal in Thailand named P.
- I used to have the nickname Shorty. Not because I was short (I wasn't), but from my favorite character on a video game for PS1
- I want to find Bust-A-Groove so I can play Shorty again
- I love learning about different countries
- My grade 4 teacher was my favorite teacher ever. I think he teaches in Indonesia now.
- Up until about grade 5 or 6, many people thought Cindy and I were sisters
- I don't like being alone
- I had a break up once where I thought the guy was going to hurt me, though he showed no signs of doing so, but I was paranoid for months. I still have a general paranoia that sprung from that time period
- I hated Andy when I first met him

Severed spine and broken wings crashed to the ground...

2006-11-20T16:14:00.000-08:00

4 am ~ Our Lady Peace

I walked around my good intentions
And found that there were none
I blame my father for the wasted years
We hardly talked
I never thought I would forget this hate
Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong

And If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong

I walked around my room
Not thinking
Just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
Like somebody else
I never thought I would just
Bend this way
Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong

And If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong

And I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong
Hope to God I figure out
I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong

If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong

And If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out

So, I called Andy today between my second class and my night class. We were both in tears before about 15 minutes passed. Since I left last Monday, things have just gone to shit.

Bobby and Mike are fighting again. From what I heard I think they're done for good. It makes me sad.

Sean tried to kill himself last night. It was a good thing that I didn't call Andy last night or Sean wouldn't have been able to get through.... I don't want to even think of what might have happened. I admit, I want Sean around in my life. Thank goodness that he managed to get everything out of his stomach in time.

Andy is feeling so alone. In all truth, I do in a way too. I realize that people around here are here, but it's still just not the same. Everything that has been going on around CR is starting to weigh on him. Especially all the stuff with Bobby and Mike. He's afraid that Mitch is going to grow up the same way he did.

Things are hectic there and I feel so helpless against it because I'm so far away. Andy's gone to see about anti-depressants again, Sean is still alive, and who knows about the other two, so I guess it's ok, right?

Burning candles and starlight...

2006-11-19T22:35:00.000-08:00

Mad World ~ Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell youI find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

I think this was one of the best weekends I've had since I moved here. And I have Amber to thank for it all starting. Since my post about being lonely and becoming reclusive again, then her talking me into karaoke on Wednesday I haven't stopped moving. Karaoke on Wednesday, 70 and Allen's place on Thursday, Geoff and Brianna's party on Friday, Casino Royal on Saturday, and writing a kick ass movie with Lisa and Jordan today. Guys, I swear it's gonna be the best thing since Dog Soldiers.

So, I realized that sobriety at AKA house parties is almost as interesting as inebriation. People there are so much fun to just watch sometimes. Mind you if I had had a choice I would have been passed out on the floor as drunk as the rest of ya... but I did enjoy the party none the less. Ninja sex with Kitty and Maddie was the best.... Ah to sleep in a bed, eh Jordan? Mwahaha!

I am addicted to this song though. Mad World by Gary Jules is fantastic. I love how it is just so simple and elegant. When I first saw Donnie Darko and heard it I have adored it and didn't get the actual song onto my computer until tonight. I have CSI on mute and I've listened to the song about 4 times now. I've decided that I'm going to burn the songs that are put into the beginning of each post onto a CD as soon as I hit like 15 or something. I'm sure anyone who is watching my playlist tracker on MSN right now is thinking I'm a nut case or something.....

Anyways, I'm looking forward to presenting our storyboard to the class and such tomorrow. Hopefully I can manage to get Jordan and Lisa in my workshop group or it just won't be as cool to present.

I'm feeling kinda bad right now though. I was going to call Andy tonight because I was talking to him through Richard earlier and I said I would, but then I got caught up in trying to make a friend feel better because he was feeling really down. I looked at the clock when he went offline and it was 10:45 pm. I cursed myself. If I call after 9 then Mitch is in bed and I don't want to wake him up. I'll call him tomorrow, but I'm sure that right now he's feeling pretty down, especially since he wasn't in a great mood earlier. I was really looking forward to talking to him too.

So now that I'm on my 6th time of listening to Mad World, I'm going to finish off this post. I hope everyone had fun on the weekend like I did.

Sleeping pictures of waking dreams...

2006-11-16T02:03:00.000-08:00

1979 ~ Smashing Pumpkins

Shakedown 1979,
Cool kids never have the time
On a live wire right up off the street
You and I should meet

Junebug skipping like a stone
With the headlights pointed at the dawn
We were sure we'd never see an end to it all

And I don't even care to shake these zipper blues
And we don't know
Just where our bones will rest
To dust I guess
Forgotten and absorbed into the earth below

Double cross the vacant and the bored
They're not sure just what we have in store
Morphine city slippin' dues down to see

That we don't even care
As restless as we are
We feel the pull in the land of a thousand guilts
And poured cement,
Lamented and assured

To the lights and towns below
Faster than the speed of sound
Faster than we thought we'd go, beneath the sound of hope

Justine never knew the rules,
Hung down with the freaks and the ghouls
No apologies ever need be made,
I know you better than you fake it

To see that we don't even care to shake these zipper blues
And we don't know just where our bones will rest
To dust I guess
Forgotten and absorbed into the earth below

The street heats the urgency of sound
As you can see there's no one around

Oh man, I feel like shit! My head is pounding but I can't take anything for it because of the meds I'm on (which I apparently forgot to take before I went out) for my stupid ear infection which is STILL ringing in my ear. On top of that, as well as headaches, these meds come with a shot of nausea as a side effect. So in about half an hour I'm gonna feel really bad. I reek of what I think is cigarette smoke and beer. My hair is a mess from the emo-ness. My feet hurt, my knees ache, my shoulders are sore. I'm gonna do a shitty ass job on my assignment due tomorrow (well today techincally). But you know what?

It was all worth going to karaoke for. Everyone seemed to have a pretty good vibe around them tonight.

Geoff, you are my new hero! Not only did you provide me a ride to and from the funness, you also have great taste in music and are totally fun to hang around.

I managed to somewhat belt out Heartshaped Box tonight, though I couldn't really hear myself so I dunno how I did. I actually should thank Jordan and Wayne for screaming over on the side, cuz it helped me stay on track and somewhat on key, unless of course it was to cover up my terrible awful singing. Though, like I said, I couldn't tell how I was doing. I was happy, in either case. It was fun.

Devin, you are a dancing god! I love it.

The emo game was awesome!
My soul is full of darkness
The rotting in my body is the rotting of the world
I cut my veins and bleed black
My heart is shattered like
Shards of blackened glass
Stomped on with stiletto heels
By those bitches that just don't understand me

No, that was not a South Park reference.

On top of that, I got to hang out with Jordan at lunch time today. I can't believe that it was over a week since we had seen each other! I missed hanging out with you! Wendy's food... yummy *thumbs up* So much salt on the fries, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Also, on a less happy note, I'm quite certain that I'm going to fail my Canadian Lit class. Hopefully the in class essays count for more than I think they do. I hate that class!

Dreams in black and white photos....

2006-11-13T21:35:00.000-08:00

One Thing ~ Finger Eleven

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

[Chorus:]
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

[Chorus x2]

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

[Chorus x3]

I had a great visit home this weekend. I was so happy to see everyone again, and I hope that everyone was just as happy to see me too. Liz, I wish I could have stayed with you at the bar for a little longer, but it turns out that it was a good thing that I didn’t. I didn’t ditch you I swear.

It sucked that most of my family was sick during the time that I was there, but so was I. It wasn’t a big deal at all. I got to see some people that I hadn’t seen for a long time, and even if it was only for a few moments, it was worth being able to give them hugs and say hi.

It was my dad’s birthday on Sunday, which was the main reason I went home this weekend. We got him a nice photograph of some boats, he collects that kind of stuff, the newest version of Flight Simulator, and Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. I love my dad for all the cool stuff that he got me and my brother into, like Monty Python and really good old music, like jazz and blues. Stevie Ray Vaughan = God. He told me just before I left that me being there made his day. That made my day.

So, Tuesday will be 6 months for Andy and I. I’m a little sad that we won’t actually get to spend it together, but we spent most of today together, so I guess it’s not too bad. I can’t believe it’s been so long already. I guess after having spent so many years in separate towns, 6 months is a drop in the bucket, right? I really enjoyed the time we spent together this weekend. Happy 6 months, babe.

I had a great time on Saturday night. Liz, Jen, and I went to the Voodoo around 12 and hung out at the top of the stage. I managed to get myself in for free again. Jared is my hero yet again for that. While we were sitting there, Richard found us. He was so drunk already. I never realized how entertaining he is when he’s wasted, probably because every time he was drunk and I saw him I was too. He insisted on poking me every chance he got, and justified it by saying that it was because I was his "little brother’s girlfriend." No, Richie and Andy aren’t related really, but Rich, Chris, and Andy are so much alike that I swear that Rich could be part of the family. Some times I think that Andy and Rich have more in common than he and Chris do, and they really are brothers. Anyways, I got sidetracked. I didn’t really want to leave early but my ear was really beginning to hurt so I had to leave. I got it check out the next day; I have an ear infection. Joy. [/sarcasm] At least I don’t have the risk of my ear drum bursting this time.

So now that I’ve rambled on for almost a whole page in my Word program, not including my trademark opening song lyrics, and not really said anything at all, I’m going to wrap this up. I hope everyone had as great of a weekend as I did, what with closing night and Jordan’s birthday, on top of other things I’m sure I haven’t heard about. I shall be at karaoke on Wednesday as long as Geoff is still willing to drive me home, maybe pick me up too if I can’t get there myself. I heart you for that, by the way, Geoff.

And this is me saying good night...

Shadows in the moonlight...

2006-11-09T01:10:00.000-08:00

I Am The Highway ~ Audioslave

Pearls and swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for leaving I feel

(chorus)
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Friends and liars don't wait for me
I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you
I feel

(chorus)
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night

No matter how many times I hear that song I never get sick of it...

I've been spending more and more time at home again. It may be due to the fact that I've been sick alot. Things have been kind of hard for me down here, and as much as I like being here, I still feel really out of place. Now I find myself still spending a lot of my time doing my homework, but I can never seem to do very well on much of it. Am I wasting my time? Alot of the time I think I am, and not just in school.

Part of the problem I think is that I am having a hard time making friends. I mean, the people I've met through Kitty are great. I always have fun around them, but I've yet to really make a friend on my own, you know? I feel like I'm closing myself off to people...

I can't wait to go home.

Clad in spiked heels and a white belt...

2006-11-07T00:35:00.000-08:00

Heart-shaped Box ~ Nirvana

She eyes me like a pisces when I am weak
I've been locked inside your Heart-Shaped box for weeks
I've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap
I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black

Hey! Wait!
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! Wait!
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Your advice

Man-eating orchids forgive no one just yet
Cut myself on angel hair and baby's breath
Broken hymen of your highness I'm left black
Throw down your umbilical noose so I can climb right back

Hey! Wait!
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! Wait!
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice

Your advice
Your advice
Your advice

I am so sick. My head has been congested for the past two and some odd weeks and now it's just getting worse. I can barely keep my eyes open for more than 5 minutes before shutting them and looking as though I've been crying for hours. This sucks.

On a happy note, I'm visiting home for the first time in a while this weekend! I'm so excited to see my family and Andy and all my friends again. I've missed everyone so much! I'm sad that I'm going to miss Jordan's party, I really am. I hope everyone has fun and gets really drunk and/or stoned and has super amounts of fun. I shall be there in spirit, hun!

Also, glad to hear that the play is going well. Lisa seems to be impressed with everything, and I thought it was great when I went. Keep up the good work guys!

So, this is a note to all my CR people who actually are reading this. We need to plan something for this weekend! Friday or Saturday would be best for me, more so Saturday. Too bad it's gonna rain all weekend or I would say Rona beach fire. I love you guys, and I'm comin' home to see ya!

Hopefully I get better soon.... I hate looking so unsexy... haha! Ya, right. Cuz I'm so self-centered, right?

Demons dancing with angels' wings...

2006-11-03T15:36:00.000-08:00

The Way ~ Fastball

They made up their minds
And they started packing
They left before the sun came up that day
An exit to eternal summer slacking
But where were they going without ever knowing the way?

They drank up the wine
And they got to talking
They now had more important things to say
And when the car broke down they started walking
Where were they going without ever knowing the way?

Chorus:
Anyone could see the road that they walk on is paved in gold
And its always summer, theyll never get cold
Theyll never get hungry
Theyll never get old and gray
You can see their shadows wandering off somewhere
They wont make it home
But they really dont care
They wanted the highway
Theyre happy there today, today

The children woke up
And they couldnt find em
They left before the sun came up that day
They just drove off
And left it all behind em
But where were they going without ever knowing the way?

Anyone could see the road that they walk on is paved in gold
And its always summer, theyll never get cold
Theyll never get hungry
Theyll never get old and gray
You can see their shadows wandering off somewhere
They wont make it home
But they really dont care
They wanted the highway
Theyre happy there today, today

So I went to the opening night of Twelth Knight last night. Everyone did so amazingly. Fantabulous! Kaitlyn was absolutely stunning and sexy as Olivia! And every time Jordan and James came on stage I could barely stop laughing. I never realized how talented Davies was with a guitar either. Made me jealous. I wish you guys all the luck in the world for every other night, I know you'll all do great time after time!

I was quite happy to be invited to the after party.. and the after after party. I had fun at both places for the most part. I go to meet some new people, even if most them were just breifly before I followed Kitty off somewhere else, or she went off and I didn't notice. For the first bit I clung pretty close to Kitty. I was actually kind of scared to talk to Jordan for a while.

That's probably why I got so upset later on. I was doing ok for the masque party, but once we got to Alex's and everyone was starting to have fun and everything, I was still only really hanging around Kitty and Amber. Everyone looked like they were really enjoying themselves and I don't think I even saw Jordan in the first hour or so. That kind of depressed me a bit, then really depressed me when he kinda walked right by me. Looking back on it I realize that I was being kinda silly.. especially when I started drinking random things that people were giving me. I didn't get drunk, though I think in any other case I would have. I can't figure out why I didn't this time.

When, finally, a lot of people started leaving, and I was about reading to start walking home, I got a chance to see Jordan. Then when he hugged me I just couldn't help but start crying. Again. ((Kitty I love you, by the way)) And we just stood there. Hugging each other. I think I was just so afraid of losing one of the best friends I had ever made. When we did get a chance to talk to each other - and think the people who were sitting outside playing music went inside so we were alone - I was just so happy to have had the chance to get it all out there and out of the way. I know things may be a little different and strange for a while, but as long as I know that the spirit is still there, everything will be ok.

I may still be that naive little girl, but I accept that. It's who I am, and I guess I always will be. I believe in second chances... or third or fourth. Anyone who doesn't believe that can ask Andy. Despite everything he's done to tick me off, I still love him. I'm sure that if I can handle everything that I've gone through in my life and still keep those little girl's eyes, I can do it again now.

So now that I've reached the end of my lengthy post, I close with another message of good wishes to those who are going on stage yet again. I know you guys are going to great, as always.

Ideas that dance in my head....

2006-11-01T21:48:00.000-08:00

I don't know that everyone I talk about here is going to get to read it, but I'm going to say them anyways. If you want to know who you are, ask me. I may tell you....

1. You are one of the best things that ever happened to me. I wish that we had more time to spend with each other lately, but I know we're both busy a lot. I hope you do well! Scratch that... I know you'll do well. Without you I would be so lost, and so not who I am today. I owe you! I love you as if you were my own sister, and we didn't fight like sisters do sometimes. Every time I see you, I smile because I know how far we've come together and I wouldn't be the same person without you. Thanks for helping me out, even to this day.

2. We may not be as close as we used to be, but I know in our hearts we're still way back when and chasing each other around in cat ears with toilet paper roll microphones. You are so amazing. You are always there for me when I have needed you and I hope that never changes.

3. We've had our good and bad times and I'm glad we've come to this. You have no idea how happy I am that you came back to me. Everyday that I don't get to see you makes me wish so much more that I could. When it comes to this, patience is not my strong point. It's too bad that we weren't smarter sooner.

4. You are such a great person. Everytime I see you, you have the most addictive smile on your face. I only wish the best for you, in what ever form you wish for the most. My only regret to you is not being able to help you, but I try as hard as I can. I hope things that have happened won't come between us.

5. I swear that my brain is the way it is partly due to you. Not that I'm complaining ^__^ You're like a brother to me, and I always wanted an older brother. When I'm with you I feel safe and I can't help but be happy. I know things will work out for you, even if they do take time.

6. Look how far we've both come since being 11! I swear we are the worst examples ever, but I wouldn't change it for the world! I love you to death! Now the only thing we need to do is see each other more often. I treasure every memory and moment we shared, especially those in your basement.

7. You're so crazy and I love it! You're happy personality is so awesome and I always smile when I see you smile. I may not know you very well but I hope to get to know you a lot better. Keep smiling, hun. You're so cute when you smile. And don't give up!

8. What to say about you that I haven't already said.... I doubt you'll even see this, but I'm going to say it anyways. You have been so much help to me over the last year or so that we've been talking. I bet that without you, I'd be six feet under by now. Thank you for sharing a brain with me!

9. I remember when we were still too shy to talk to each other at the bus stop. We were so cute back then. Now we're just hawt in leather! I really hope that everything is going great for you way out there where I can't see you! *tear*

10. I can't believe that we've made it this far together. I may not see you much anymore, but I do think about you from time to time. Those days of middle school will be permanently etched into my brain and I laugh everytime I hear about white blood cells. I'm so happy for you right now, you have a nice girl by your side. The two of you need to come visit me!

11. Remember when we first met? I still do. We were both so geeky back then, and look at us now. Sexy as hell. I remember the first time we sat under the stairs and just talked. I love you, and we don't spend nearly enough time together. I hope you're doing ok, because I would hate to see anything happen to you.

12. You're another one I don't know as well as I should yet, but I appreciate the smiles you give me all the time. I adore you're energy and personality and I think we need to find a way to bottle it and make millions from it.

13. I know we rant at each other a lot, and one of us is usually in some sort of rotten mood or something, but I enjoy it. You've always been there to listen to me complain about this and that, and visa versa, and you know what? I wouldn't change it for all the beer in the world. Mind you I don't drink beer, but hey...

14. I love you to death! I miss you so much that I think I might just have to call you when I get to town. You have so much courage and I admire it. To go through the things that I'm sure you go through all the time, and survive it. You are so loving to everyone around you and everyone loves you for it, and rightfully so. You're super sexy, how could they not?

15. You are the bravest person I know. I can't even begin to imagine how hard things have been for you over the past few months, and for you to hang in there and to be so strong, I admire every second. Ever since I met you all those years ago, I have thought of you as part of my family. Then to be able to work with you in high school was truely awesome, even if we did goof off most of the time. Your spirit is just so addictive and uplifting that anyone who didn't love you is crazy. Stay strong for us all, I know I'll stand by you, even if only in spirit while I'm doing exams...

The darkness grew in the blackest night...

2006-11-01T11:40:00.000-08:00

Comfortable Liar ~ Chevelle

Broad, is this sea
The salt, enters the wounds
My take, on you is simple

So heal, your fear
To heal, your fear

Time, spent wading off shore
The calm, before the storm
My take, from you is simple

So heal, your fear
To heal, your fear

You're such a comfortable liar
You're such a comfortable liar
You're such a comfortable liar
You're such a comfortable liar
You're such a comfortable liar
So calm
Cause I said wrong

You comfortable liar
You comfortable liar
You comfortable liar
You comfortable liar
Liar

I never thought that I would be taken for a spin like that again. For once I thought I had put naivity behind me, but I guess I was wrong. I am everything that my mother said I am, and I hate it. I am that sightless little girl, willing to trust in everyone and believe their lies until I am the one that ends up hurt.

Never more than I do now, have I wanted to go home and curl up, alone. Lock myself away from the world, wrapped in that loving wool sweater and just cry until my eyes hurt.

So I guess it comes down to the fact that I can really only trust three males in my life.... my father and my brother. I'll let you all stew over who the third is. He knows who he is and that's all that matters.

And the devils in disguise took flight...

2006-10-29T08:12:00.000-08:00

Ain't Gone 'N Give Up On Love ~ Stevie Ray Vaughan

I ain't gone 'n' give up on love....Love won't give up on me
I ain't gone 'n' give up on love....Love ain't gone 'n' give up on me
Every tear that I've cried....Only washed away the fear inside

Now I, I ain't gone 'n' give up on love
Every beat of my heart....Pounds with joy and not with pain
Every beat of my heart....Pounds with joy and not in vain
And although those are painful memories....Only brought me to my knees
I was just given up on love

Little Johnny Taylor told us so long ago
What about the midnight cryin'....Wo that cheatin' and lyin'
What about the price that will....Oh surely be paid
Those that gave up on love....Love will have it's day
I ain't givin' up on love

I ain't gone 'n' give up on love....Love won't give up on me
I ain't gone 'n' give up on love....Love won't give up on me
Every time I cry....Love just won't let me be....Won't set me free

Well that party was awesome. So far I hav yet to find a picture of me, but that's fine, so many people had better costumes. Like Kitty, she was smokin' as Phoenix from X-Men! So hawt! Then there was Davies as Tyler Durden. Very cool. Jordan was pretty awesome while he still had his costume on, Sex Robot. Kylen and Biff were very cool as each other. All in all I think it was a pretty good time. Everyone was excellent with their costumes.

I'm actually really tired now. I just got off the phone with work and I'm not going because I feel like puking. I think it's a combination of the fact I had bad sleeping habits during the week on top of the fact that I didn't sleep till around 4 at the party, I may be getting sick, and I got in an arguement with Andy over MSN last night. Hopefully I think we solved the problem, but I think it may be a little more complicated then that. I hope we solved it... I don't want to feel like I did last night ever again.

Of all the fairy tale endings....

2006-10-26T17:12:00.000-07:00

Blue Veins ~ The Raconteurs

When I was surrounded by the world
You were the only one who came
And you were the only one astounded
Which kept me grounded
As the other girls thrashed my very name

Then I looked over
Just in time to see her smiling back at me
And saying everything's OK
As long as you're inside my blue veins
Your blue veins

Yeah and the feeling that you gave me
No matter what I do or where I go
It always will remain
And those who would enslave me to get to me must get past you and will have no luck
Cause you'll protect me from all pain

The most beautiful, yeah the most beautiful thing cause anything else can't compare
Must be the blood that's running through your blue veins
Your blue veins

[Strange part in reverse]

Your blue veins
And I know you won't deceive me
Like the rest and there's nothing you need to explain
You always were the first one to believe me
When I said to you girl
I think it's gonna rain
But I could be wrong

Yeah but all of these things
All these things
They're all truly nice but ain't nothing
Ain't nothing compared to the love that's running through your little blue veins
Your blue veins

So I wass sitting in my living room last night, frantically trying to finish work the was due today, and when 3:30 am came around I was amazed at how very awake I was.I know that doesn't sound very relevant to anything, but that normally only happens when something is bothering me. So as I was lying in bed I couldn't put my finger on it. I have been havinng so much fun lately that I couldn't think of anything, aside from the occasional homesickness. Bascially, all I could come up with is that something in my subconscious is unhappy and I can't figure out what it is.

Can't wait until tomorrow though. I managed to work out the most of my costume. As long as I don't go outside for long periods of time I won't freeze to death. *Note to self: bring jeans in case of another 7-11 mission*

I'm excited to see everyone in costume!

Dancing in the dark...

2006-10-25T15:13:00.000-07:00

Eva ~ Orgy
you know i've started to grow since you've been away.
lately it's scarier not knowing,
what's become of you
are you proud of me now? I can't tell
i'm not as fearless as you.

[chorus:]
still i pretend that you're still standing by,
to show me wrong from right,
never got a chance to say good bye.
take this gift from me,
hold it deep in mind forever,
and never let this go.

i used to think you were crazy,
when you were hooked to the screen.
but now they tell me that you're in a better place
but where did you go?
and i swear sometimes you're watching over me
still i'd give the world for the chance
just to see your face again.

[chorus]

now, now there's nothing left but time,
know that i'm following you.
eva's always on my mind and it makes me wonder.
what happened to you?
you know it makes me wonder.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Nothing really important, just wondering about the "what if"s like I tend to do. As I look out the glass door of my house, I can see the rain falling again. I always seem to smile in the rain.

I can't wait for the party on Friday! Thanks to Jordan I have everything I need for my costume now. Next time I wonder if we'll actually get lunch first when we go for lunch...

Lost in the space...

2006-10-24T13:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm not really new to this but I had restart it. My other account is broken....

So, since I moved, I've actually learned a bit about myself. Sometimes I'm not quite sure what it is I've learned but I know that I'm not the same person. Last night when I was walking with Jordan, I realized how much of a small town girl I had (and guess I still am) been. And now, I feel like almost a new girl all together.

I'm glad I came here, but part of me is still staring at the river from the bridge back home. The rain reminded me of my old home, and I was glad that I had someone to enjoy it with... even if we did get soaked. But to have someone there, someone to talk to so casually, someone who would really talk with me and listen, made me feel like my home is in both places. And it is. Just sitting on that net felt so... I can't even think of the word for it... but thank you. I really owe you cookies now.

I should also thank everyone else. You all have made me feel so welcome and I can't even begin to thank you enough. Without you guys, I'd be sitting at home every night, missing home to no end.

The one I think I have to thank the most is Kaitlyn. I love you to pieces, Kitty. I am so glad to be able to able to see you and spend time with you like old times again. We may be older and, well maybe not so much, more mature, but I know that deep down inside us are those two middle school girls who still enjoy each other as though for the first time all over again. I think I may have to make you cookies too.

To all you back in Campbell River, don't think I've forgotten you. You still hold a big piece of my heart. Everytime I think of home I think of you, and love you all. You are my family, my friends, my love. I miss everyone and I can never wait until the next time I get to visit. One day I'll bring my new family and friends to you so we can all have fun watching the awful strippers or something. Or visa versa, I'll bring the first to the new and we can all enjoy kareoke.

... I just realized how nostalgic I sound..... I'm gonna stop now...

I need to go do something really random now... *wanders off*