Well I have to say that was a pretty good week. For those of you who don't know, Andy got a ride up on this past Monday to come and see me and I just sent him home today. Sadly, due to my roommate being a jerk, he couldn't stay with me until Friday, but we managed. I enjoyed having him around. We did a lot of things together during the week after my classes were over, and we even went to dinner with an old friend of ours. I managed to get him to shopping with me too.
I feel good about myself after this whole week. After having Andy here, and spoiling myself at the mall (even though I did spend less then 100$), and just getting to relax on the weekend, I feel like I'm back to my normal self. I don't feel like I have that stress constantly riding on my shoulders anymore. I feel... mellow.
I got to see Urinetown with Andy on Wednesday. We got to see all the theater kids there too, but we more or less kept to ourselves. I admit I wasn't in a happy mood that day for some reason. I can't even remember why. Alleah was awesome though and that's what matters. Kitty was kickin' on the lights too, aside from the occasional blindings, but apparently those are intentional?
Got to hang out with Geoff for a bit on Friday too. That was a good mellow day, and I enjoyed it alot. We watched American History X and then watched Scrubs early (I found it on another channel). Man, that was a sad episode. Funny, but sad at the same time. I won't say anything about it, for those of you who are watching the series previous and don't want to know what happens. I will say that I shed a few tears at the finale.
Also, for those who haven't seen it, I have started up a new blog. Due to my constant lurking of YouTube, I have created a place for me to post videos that I find that I figure you kids will enjoy. The probably means a lot of Scrubs clips and what not... also music videos and other such things that make me (and hopefully you) smile. There's already a few in there, so check it out.
So.... THREE DAYS TIL BARENAKED LADIES! In light of which, I shall close with a BNL video here. So for your viewing pleasures.... Brian Wilson by BNL!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
My angel wings never came....
Angel ~ Sarah McLachlan
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
Lately I've been watching a lot of Scrubs with Geoff, and I think my own inner monologue is starting to develop. It's kinda funny to listen to and reflect on. Thankfully I don't have a rambling role model to call me boys names every five minutes and some how degrade me in any way possible... or would having a Dr. Cox be a good thing....
This week has been a fairly equal week. It's had it's ups and downs on both extremes, but it seems that there haven't been any in the middle ground. On on hand I've been ice skating twice now, but I've been sick (possibly sinusitis, as fake as it sounds) since last week started. I've been hanging out with people, but I had a fight with Andy over a silly thing last night. I got in to all but one class, but I have three major papers for this semester. I've had the place to myself pretty well since I got back from the holiday, but I'm still homesick.
It's been a while since I actually talked with any of my friends from CR. Sure, I visited Aaron randomly before I left for California and I had a moment, but that was it. Liz and I haven't really had a conversation since the last time I saw her at the bar, I talk to Lisa (not you two Lisa's... I know too many Lisa's) every once and a while when she comes online, but that that's not often. I realized that the person from CR that I talk to the most (aside from Andy), is Trevor. I've known Trev my whole life, he is my family by association, but we didn't spend a lot of time together outside of school or when we worked together. Not that I don't love you, Trev, quite the opposite. It's just that I'm wondering how many of my friends from CR were really actually my close friends.
How can we really know when people really truly care about us? Sometimes it takes a few people to almost drop out of your life to make you realize that the people you once were really close with will sometimes drift away from you. Chrissy went to Calgary (can't wait to see you in Feb!), Liz is still in CR, Lisa is practically adopted by my mom, Kyle hardly speaks to me.... What is it that has come between us all?
I've been thinking a lot about who I am lately too. It's been brought to my knowledge that I'm not like other girls, and I think I knew that all along. From what I can remember, I've always been at my most comfortable times when I was hanging out with my guy friends. When I feel down or upset over something, I don't sit down and watch chick flicks to make myself feel better... I watch something with action or needless violence. I've always seemed to enjoy being "one of the guys" rather then "one of the girls", and I dunno if that's a good thing or not. I can't see how it would be a bad thing, but I feel a serious lacking in female influence. I have my times when I want to cry over the fact that Molly Ringwald and the rich kid got together in the end, even though Duckie was way cooler. Or that Nicholas Cage gave up the only thing he knew just so that he could be with Meg Ryan. I adore City of Angels. But that was something that I only ever really did with one person, Kaitlyn. I know she's really busy for the next while, and it's been a long time since we watched anything like that together, but that was something I always really felt better doing alone so that no one could see me cry.
Why is it that I am the way I am? Can I ever really just be one of the guys and not have it be weird anymore? I can see it being ok when I was younger, but now things are different and I don't know why.
I had to put this video on here after writing this. As soon as I mentioned City of Angels I went to YouTube and tried to find a good clip from it to put here. I actually found that someone had actually uploaded the entire movie in segments, but I also came across this song (which the lyrics are at the top). I can't explain why, but for some reason when ever I hear this song, I can't help but cry. No matter how good of a mod I am in, the song brings tears to my eyes. Not necessarily unhappy tears... but I will cry none the less. That's probably why I cry at City of Angels every time too.... Enjoy!
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
Lately I've been watching a lot of Scrubs with Geoff, and I think my own inner monologue is starting to develop. It's kinda funny to listen to and reflect on. Thankfully I don't have a rambling role model to call me boys names every five minutes and some how degrade me in any way possible... or would having a Dr. Cox be a good thing....
This week has been a fairly equal week. It's had it's ups and downs on both extremes, but it seems that there haven't been any in the middle ground. On on hand I've been ice skating twice now, but I've been sick (possibly sinusitis, as fake as it sounds) since last week started. I've been hanging out with people, but I had a fight with Andy over a silly thing last night. I got in to all but one class, but I have three major papers for this semester. I've had the place to myself pretty well since I got back from the holiday, but I'm still homesick.
It's been a while since I actually talked with any of my friends from CR. Sure, I visited Aaron randomly before I left for California and I had a moment, but that was it. Liz and I haven't really had a conversation since the last time I saw her at the bar, I talk to Lisa (not you two Lisa's... I know too many Lisa's) every once and a while when she comes online, but that that's not often. I realized that the person from CR that I talk to the most (aside from Andy), is Trevor. I've known Trev my whole life, he is my family by association, but we didn't spend a lot of time together outside of school or when we worked together. Not that I don't love you, Trev, quite the opposite. It's just that I'm wondering how many of my friends from CR were really actually my close friends.
How can we really know when people really truly care about us? Sometimes it takes a few people to almost drop out of your life to make you realize that the people you once were really close with will sometimes drift away from you. Chrissy went to Calgary (can't wait to see you in Feb!), Liz is still in CR, Lisa is practically adopted by my mom, Kyle hardly speaks to me.... What is it that has come between us all?
I've been thinking a lot about who I am lately too. It's been brought to my knowledge that I'm not like other girls, and I think I knew that all along. From what I can remember, I've always been at my most comfortable times when I was hanging out with my guy friends. When I feel down or upset over something, I don't sit down and watch chick flicks to make myself feel better... I watch something with action or needless violence. I've always seemed to enjoy being "one of the guys" rather then "one of the girls", and I dunno if that's a good thing or not. I can't see how it would be a bad thing, but I feel a serious lacking in female influence. I have my times when I want to cry over the fact that Molly Ringwald and the rich kid got together in the end, even though Duckie was way cooler. Or that Nicholas Cage gave up the only thing he knew just so that he could be with Meg Ryan. I adore City of Angels. But that was something that I only ever really did with one person, Kaitlyn. I know she's really busy for the next while, and it's been a long time since we watched anything like that together, but that was something I always really felt better doing alone so that no one could see me cry.
Why is it that I am the way I am? Can I ever really just be one of the guys and not have it be weird anymore? I can see it being ok when I was younger, but now things are different and I don't know why.
I had to put this video on here after writing this. As soon as I mentioned City of Angels I went to YouTube and tried to find a good clip from it to put here. I actually found that someone had actually uploaded the entire movie in segments, but I also came across this song (which the lyrics are at the top). I can't explain why, but for some reason when ever I hear this song, I can't help but cry. No matter how good of a mod I am in, the song brings tears to my eyes. Not necessarily unhappy tears... but I will cry none the less. That's probably why I cry at City of Angels every time too.... Enjoy!
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Drowning in everything and nothing....
In Joy and Sorrow ~ H.I.M.
Oh girl, we are the same
We are young and lost and so afraid
There´s no cure for the pain
No shelter from the rain
All our prayers seem to fail
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
Oh girl, we are the same
We are strong and blessed and so brave
With souls to be saved
And faith regained
All our tears wiped away
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In world so hollow
It's breaking my heart
And my home's in your arms
And it is breaking my heart
My home's in your arms
And it is breaking my heart
Have you ever had that feeling of being completely helpless in making your life go in the direction you want it to? That sinking feeling in that reaches from the center of your forehead, past your toes and through the floor so far that you never think you'll find the other end of it. How much control do we ever really have over our lives?
I can feel something pulling on my feeling. It's long since past the floor, so I can't imagine it can go much deeper. But I guess that the way things go sometimes. I think it's the stress from everything starting to weigh me down again, and I was afraid this would happen. I don't deal with stress very well and I'm scared that it might start affecting everything that has so far been decent. Earlier today, I got in a bit of an argument with Andy over something small and trivial which made him angry with himself (he doesn't want to be like Mike) and it made me sad because I didn't know what I had done to make him react in such a way. We are both drowning in stress and neither of us are handling it well.
Lately I've been feeling awful and sick and I think it has something to do with how freaked out I am. I have so many things to think about and deal with that it's getting harder and harder to focus on all those good things that Jordan showed me I have. I know they're still there, but I'm losing sight of them. My family especially. I rely on email to talk to them now. That's not how I wanted this to work out. I want to see my parents, hear my brother play his bass all night, watch movies with them, watch Matt play GTA for half the day. I miss them so much, even though I saw them all less then a month ago. Who knew this was going to be so hard for me to handle.
My stomach feels like it's trying to turn inside out and I'm constantly tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I do everything in my power to try and make myself sleep on time and eat right and focus on the important things, but it's just not working. There are so many times that I get upset over the tiniest thing and I just can't seem to get over it. That's how I know I am overly stressed out is my reaction to things. If it's something I can't do or don't know or something, I get frustrated and upset. Like right now, I'm talking to Geoff on MSN, watching Sweet November, and I can't help but cry because I have no idea what I'm going to do about things.
I hope that upcoming events will help at least a little bit. Tuesday I'm going to go ice skating with Geoff and who ever else is willing to come. I'm excited for that, I haven't been skating in ages. Hopefully I can revert to that child-like happiness that is always associated with ice skating.
Also, yet another chance for some of you to meet Andy. From the 26th to the 28th he will be down here. Hopefully I'll get the chance to show him off to you. Yet, that comes with another stress in its own: for the following week I'll probably be sad because he'll be gone home again. Thankfully, it won't be too long after that until I get to see him again.
Today (the 14th) was 8 months for us. I think I posted a while back about how long it had been and I think it might be wrong, but that doesn't matter. The important thing is that we have managed to stay together with all this distance between us for a longer period of time then when we lived in the same town. As sad as I may be about it, it makes me happy that we know we can overcome that obstacle in our lives and we're stronger for it. There's only one thing that I wish.... I wish things would just find a way to work out for us for once. This is the best thing that has happened to us in the 6 years we have known each other... though I admit that it is almost everything I could ask for from it.
My dreams have been getting worse. I can tell from the way my jaw hurts in the mornings. When I'm having bad dreams, I grind my teeth something fierce. Or so I've been told. Occasionally I'll wake up and feel fine, but it's been happening more and more. The worst of it is that I can't remember any of them.
I'll be happy when the semester is over and I can live where I want, with who I want, how I want. I'll work through the summer and save up as much money as I can so I'm not a burden to my family in the next year. I may take a year off to work full time and just save money, but I don't want to put myself behind any more then I am. I'm so confused lately and I don't know what to do.
Oh girl, we are the same
We are young and lost and so afraid
There´s no cure for the pain
No shelter from the rain
All our prayers seem to fail
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
Oh girl, we are the same
We are strong and blessed and so brave
With souls to be saved
And faith regained
All our tears wiped away
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In world so hollow
It's breaking my heart
And my home's in your arms
And it is breaking my heart
My home's in your arms
And it is breaking my heart
Have you ever had that feeling of being completely helpless in making your life go in the direction you want it to? That sinking feeling in that reaches from the center of your forehead, past your toes and through the floor so far that you never think you'll find the other end of it. How much control do we ever really have over our lives?
I can feel something pulling on my feeling. It's long since past the floor, so I can't imagine it can go much deeper. But I guess that the way things go sometimes. I think it's the stress from everything starting to weigh me down again, and I was afraid this would happen. I don't deal with stress very well and I'm scared that it might start affecting everything that has so far been decent. Earlier today, I got in a bit of an argument with Andy over something small and trivial which made him angry with himself (he doesn't want to be like Mike) and it made me sad because I didn't know what I had done to make him react in such a way. We are both drowning in stress and neither of us are handling it well.
Lately I've been feeling awful and sick and I think it has something to do with how freaked out I am. I have so many things to think about and deal with that it's getting harder and harder to focus on all those good things that Jordan showed me I have. I know they're still there, but I'm losing sight of them. My family especially. I rely on email to talk to them now. That's not how I wanted this to work out. I want to see my parents, hear my brother play his bass all night, watch movies with them, watch Matt play GTA for half the day. I miss them so much, even though I saw them all less then a month ago. Who knew this was going to be so hard for me to handle.
My stomach feels like it's trying to turn inside out and I'm constantly tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I do everything in my power to try and make myself sleep on time and eat right and focus on the important things, but it's just not working. There are so many times that I get upset over the tiniest thing and I just can't seem to get over it. That's how I know I am overly stressed out is my reaction to things. If it's something I can't do or don't know or something, I get frustrated and upset. Like right now, I'm talking to Geoff on MSN, watching Sweet November, and I can't help but cry because I have no idea what I'm going to do about things.
I hope that upcoming events will help at least a little bit. Tuesday I'm going to go ice skating with Geoff and who ever else is willing to come. I'm excited for that, I haven't been skating in ages. Hopefully I can revert to that child-like happiness that is always associated with ice skating.
Also, yet another chance for some of you to meet Andy. From the 26th to the 28th he will be down here. Hopefully I'll get the chance to show him off to you. Yet, that comes with another stress in its own: for the following week I'll probably be sad because he'll be gone home again. Thankfully, it won't be too long after that until I get to see him again.
Today (the 14th) was 8 months for us. I think I posted a while back about how long it had been and I think it might be wrong, but that doesn't matter. The important thing is that we have managed to stay together with all this distance between us for a longer period of time then when we lived in the same town. As sad as I may be about it, it makes me happy that we know we can overcome that obstacle in our lives and we're stronger for it. There's only one thing that I wish.... I wish things would just find a way to work out for us for once. This is the best thing that has happened to us in the 6 years we have known each other... though I admit that it is almost everything I could ask for from it.
My dreams have been getting worse. I can tell from the way my jaw hurts in the mornings. When I'm having bad dreams, I grind my teeth something fierce. Or so I've been told. Occasionally I'll wake up and feel fine, but it's been happening more and more. The worst of it is that I can't remember any of them.
I'll be happy when the semester is over and I can live where I want, with who I want, how I want. I'll work through the summer and save up as much money as I can so I'm not a burden to my family in the next year. I may take a year off to work full time and just save money, but I don't want to put myself behind any more then I am. I'm so confused lately and I don't know what to do.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Rough times lead to diamonds at the center....
Falls On Me ~ Fuel
I've seen you hanging round
This darkness where I'm bound
And this black hole I've dug for me
And silently within
With hands touching skin
The shock breaks my disease
And I can breathe
[Chorus]
And all of your weight
All you dream
Falls on me it falls on me
And your beautiful sky
The light you bring
Falls on me it falls on me
Your faith like the pain
Draws me in again
She washes all my wounds for me
The darkness in my veins
I never could explain
And I wonder if you ever see
Will you still believe?
[Chorus]
Am I that strong
To carry on?
I might change your life
I might save my world
Could you save me?
[Chorus X 2]
What a day this has been....
I got to sleep a little later then usual for a school day because class didn't start until 11:30. Hooray! It's the only class I have for sure, so I didn't want to lose my seat.
I was happy for a while today. Strangely enough it was when it was raining as I was walking home from the bus stop at Country Club. Something about the rain is just so soothing.... I've always had this vision in my mind with rain where my "someone" and I are in the middle of a large field, kind of like a school field, and it's pouring rain. We don't speak or anything, just dance and kiss, soaking wet, in the middle of this grassy area. It's yet to happen, and today was one of those days that it could have.
When I got home I was on the internet as fast as I could. I talked to people for a while, and actually spent some decent time with Tanya. We didn't get mad at each other, that's a good sign right? Weirdly, before she came home, the power went out in only the front rooms of our place as well as the kitchen appliences.
Soon enough I was talking to Andy and a bunch of other people and then Tanya left for Steve's. She says that they are probably moving in together in May-ish. Hopefully I'm gone by then, but if not I might try to keep the apartment.
Anyways, I was enjoying my day of talking on Nexopia, MSN and forums all at once until people started going offline. Soon enough it was down to Andy and Regal and even that made me happy because I was talking to two of my favorite people.
I progressively got more and more sick feeling and homesick at the same time. I think I'm getting some sort of stress related illness or something. I miss my family and Andy so much.
It took Regal a long time after Andy had gone offline to make me smile again. Then it took the workings of Jordan to get me to calm myself down.
He pointed out some very valid things to me when we talked. I may be extremely homesick right now, but it's not the town, it's this place I'm living. I think that if I were living anywhere else that I would be handling this better. I accept the fact that this town is home to me now, but this is not where I feel comfortable. Kaitlyn is here, and she loves me. I love her too, but there is the love from my parents and my brother still missing. I never thought to realize that I know they still do love me even though they are far away and that they will be there for me when I need them. I am out in the world on my own and keeping my head above the water for the most part. I am bettering my life and working hard for something that I want. That leaves one thing. I am missing the love of the person I could spend the rest of my life with. That love isn't missing. Despite the distance between us, we still have a solid relationship. After everything we've been through, we have survived this long (and for those of you who know our history should know what I mean), this is nothing new. The only difference this time is that we really are a couple, rather then just friends. We are closer then every other time.
That's what made me smile though. I really thought about what I said to Jordan when I was talking. I said that I would spend the rest of life with Andy. Now, him and I talk about that stuff all the time, but it never really sunk in to my head. But tonight it hit me. I really could spend every moment from this one on with him and I would be absolutely happy in each one. I thought that maybe the one before could have been it, but I notice one difference between this feeling and that one. Not everyone is perfect, and I know that, but with my last relationship, I found ways to hide his faults and things I didn't like about him. I ignored them. With Andy, I know he has his faults and things, but it doesn't bother me. I actually love some of them. Others I don't, but that's ok. It's part of who he is and I wouldn't want him to change them, unless that's what he wants to do. The thought that those things didn't make me want to try and cover them up and I would still want to be with him forever made me smile.
Thank you to Regal and Jordan for working so hard to help me feel good again.
On another happy note, Geoff is my hero for this month! He's invited me to go to the Barenaked Ladies concert with him! Excited!
I've seen you hanging round
This darkness where I'm bound
And this black hole I've dug for me
And silently within
With hands touching skin
The shock breaks my disease
And I can breathe
[Chorus]
And all of your weight
All you dream
Falls on me it falls on me
And your beautiful sky
The light you bring
Falls on me it falls on me
Your faith like the pain
Draws me in again
She washes all my wounds for me
The darkness in my veins
I never could explain
And I wonder if you ever see
Will you still believe?
[Chorus]
Am I that strong
To carry on?
I might change your life
I might save my world
Could you save me?
[Chorus X 2]
What a day this has been....
I got to sleep a little later then usual for a school day because class didn't start until 11:30. Hooray! It's the only class I have for sure, so I didn't want to lose my seat.
I was happy for a while today. Strangely enough it was when it was raining as I was walking home from the bus stop at Country Club. Something about the rain is just so soothing.... I've always had this vision in my mind with rain where my "someone" and I are in the middle of a large field, kind of like a school field, and it's pouring rain. We don't speak or anything, just dance and kiss, soaking wet, in the middle of this grassy area. It's yet to happen, and today was one of those days that it could have.
When I got home I was on the internet as fast as I could. I talked to people for a while, and actually spent some decent time with Tanya. We didn't get mad at each other, that's a good sign right? Weirdly, before she came home, the power went out in only the front rooms of our place as well as the kitchen appliences.
Soon enough I was talking to Andy and a bunch of other people and then Tanya left for Steve's. She says that they are probably moving in together in May-ish. Hopefully I'm gone by then, but if not I might try to keep the apartment.
Anyways, I was enjoying my day of talking on Nexopia, MSN and forums all at once until people started going offline. Soon enough it was down to Andy and Regal and even that made me happy because I was talking to two of my favorite people.
I progressively got more and more sick feeling and homesick at the same time. I think I'm getting some sort of stress related illness or something. I miss my family and Andy so much.
It took Regal a long time after Andy had gone offline to make me smile again. Then it took the workings of Jordan to get me to calm myself down.
He pointed out some very valid things to me when we talked. I may be extremely homesick right now, but it's not the town, it's this place I'm living. I think that if I were living anywhere else that I would be handling this better. I accept the fact that this town is home to me now, but this is not where I feel comfortable. Kaitlyn is here, and she loves me. I love her too, but there is the love from my parents and my brother still missing. I never thought to realize that I know they still do love me even though they are far away and that they will be there for me when I need them. I am out in the world on my own and keeping my head above the water for the most part. I am bettering my life and working hard for something that I want. That leaves one thing. I am missing the love of the person I could spend the rest of my life with. That love isn't missing. Despite the distance between us, we still have a solid relationship. After everything we've been through, we have survived this long (and for those of you who know our history should know what I mean), this is nothing new. The only difference this time is that we really are a couple, rather then just friends. We are closer then every other time.
That's what made me smile though. I really thought about what I said to Jordan when I was talking. I said that I would spend the rest of life with Andy. Now, him and I talk about that stuff all the time, but it never really sunk in to my head. But tonight it hit me. I really could spend every moment from this one on with him and I would be absolutely happy in each one. I thought that maybe the one before could have been it, but I notice one difference between this feeling and that one. Not everyone is perfect, and I know that, but with my last relationship, I found ways to hide his faults and things I didn't like about him. I ignored them. With Andy, I know he has his faults and things, but it doesn't bother me. I actually love some of them. Others I don't, but that's ok. It's part of who he is and I wouldn't want him to change them, unless that's what he wants to do. The thought that those things didn't make me want to try and cover them up and I would still want to be with him forever made me smile.
Thank you to Regal and Jordan for working so hard to help me feel good again.
On another happy note, Geoff is my hero for this month! He's invited me to go to the Barenaked Ladies concert with him! Excited!
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Crystal tears of joy or pain?
Alone In The Universe ~ David Usher
Jamie's on the bathroom floor she don't know why
She's shaking underneath the sink can't feel a thing
She'd love to live a life she's afraid of failure
With all the voices in her head
Now what was that I thought I hear you scream
I know you can feel it
You're already there
Asleep underwater
Just screaming for air
I know you can feel it
You're already...
Don't you know we're freaks and creature
Wake up I can almost see the light
I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone left wondering why
I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone in the universe tonight
Alex on the last train home from god knows where
A million miles away from where he thought he'd be
He's got his suit his tie his drink his MTV
He's trading all his life away
You can't escape we're all infected now
I know you can feel it
You're already there
Asleep underwater
Just screaming for air
I know you can feel it
You're already...
Don't you know we're freaks and creatures
Wake up I can almost see the light
I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone in the universe tonight
We're all infected now
I know you can feel it
You're already there
Asleep underwater
Just screaming for air
I know you can feel it
You're already...
Don't you know we're freaks and creatures
Wake up I can almost see the light
I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone left wondering why
I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone in the universe tonight
I think we're alone in the universe tonight
I think we're alone in the universe tonight
Here it is: the last day before school starts again and I admit that I am a little worried. At this point in time, I may only end up with one course this semester, in which case I will be job hunting next week. The down side of this would be that I have to add even more time on to the total number of years it will take me to get into and complete my program. Why did I have to procrastinate one that? Stupid!
So yesterday I was talking with Andy online after coming home from a day of shopping with Kitty. That was just what I needed, shopping therapy! Thank you! Anyways, when I got home, Andy told me that he had something important that he needed to talk to me about. Turns out that Mike and Bobby had their biggest and most trivial fight of all yesterday morning and Andy had enough. He said to Bobby that he was done living there, and done looking after Mitch, which is their kid, and they hardly spend any time with him at all. Surprisingly (to me), Bobby said that she didn't blame him. The bright side of this is that while I was talking to Andy, he was waiting for a reply from Pat (who lives down here) about staying with them until he can get settled down here. Now I know I'm not supposed to get excited about things like that because we all have seen how it turns out most times, but I did get a little cheerful about it. Just think! I could see him when ever I wanted and I could rub Tanya's face in it too.... stupid roommate gets to see her boyfriend all the time. I'd like to add that I haven't seen her in almost a week. I have no idea where she is. Off topic... Ok, so ya. The possibility of being able to see Andy and introduce him to you guys and not have to just ramble on and on about him and not get upset over missing him so much every other day sounded pretty freakin' amazing to me and I was happy about it. Not to mention that having a conversation with him through the microphone on my computer made my day. Sadly, it wasn't to last. Turns out that Pat's manager won't let anyone else live with them, so he could stay a night, maybe two. Add that to the two nights that he could stay here and we have four night max to find him a job, a new place to live and get the money to move into it, get all our stuff (by which I mainly mean my stuff) into said new place and still be able to get me to school by 8:30 am. Ew. I admit, my heart broke a little. Why can't I not let myself get excited over these things when I know they aren't going to work out? I wish I could talk to him right now, but I have no way of doing so except through MSN.
On a lighter note, I watched the entire Third Season of Scrubs today with Geoff and Yannick (aka Lisa M) and Ky. We chilled in my roommate-less place today and munched on Honey Nut Cheerios. I realized that my choices for meals... suck. I have like no food. At least I can survive right? Anyways, chillin' with them today really boosted my spirits. Thanks a lot, guys.
Well, I have to be up earlier then I thought for class tomorrow, which really sucks. Hopefully I'll get a chance to catch the lot of you at some point unless I die of exhaustion. Cross your fingers for me.....
Now if you'll excuse me.. I think I'll go cry now....
Jamie's on the bathroom floor she don't know why
She's shaking underneath the sink can't feel a thing
She'd love to live a life she's afraid of failure
With all the voices in her head
Now what was that I thought I hear you scream
I know you can feel it
You're already there
Asleep underwater
Just screaming for air
I know you can feel it
You're already...
Don't you know we're freaks and creature
Wake up I can almost see the light
I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone left wondering why
I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone in the universe tonight
Alex on the last train home from god knows where
A million miles away from where he thought he'd be
He's got his suit his tie his drink his MTV
He's trading all his life away
You can't escape we're all infected now
I know you can feel it
You're already there
Asleep underwater
Just screaming for air
I know you can feel it
You're already...
Don't you know we're freaks and creatures
Wake up I can almost see the light
I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone in the universe tonight
We're all infected now
I know you can feel it
You're already there
Asleep underwater
Just screaming for air
I know you can feel it
You're already...
Don't you know we're freaks and creatures
Wake up I can almost see the light
I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone left wondering why
I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone in the universe tonight
I think we're alone in the universe tonight
I think we're alone in the universe tonight
Here it is: the last day before school starts again and I admit that I am a little worried. At this point in time, I may only end up with one course this semester, in which case I will be job hunting next week. The down side of this would be that I have to add even more time on to the total number of years it will take me to get into and complete my program. Why did I have to procrastinate one that? Stupid!
So yesterday I was talking with Andy online after coming home from a day of shopping with Kitty. That was just what I needed, shopping therapy! Thank you! Anyways, when I got home, Andy told me that he had something important that he needed to talk to me about. Turns out that Mike and Bobby had their biggest and most trivial fight of all yesterday morning and Andy had enough. He said to Bobby that he was done living there, and done looking after Mitch, which is their kid, and they hardly spend any time with him at all. Surprisingly (to me), Bobby said that she didn't blame him. The bright side of this is that while I was talking to Andy, he was waiting for a reply from Pat (who lives down here) about staying with them until he can get settled down here. Now I know I'm not supposed to get excited about things like that because we all have seen how it turns out most times, but I did get a little cheerful about it. Just think! I could see him when ever I wanted and I could rub Tanya's face in it too.... stupid roommate gets to see her boyfriend all the time. I'd like to add that I haven't seen her in almost a week. I have no idea where she is. Off topic... Ok, so ya. The possibility of being able to see Andy and introduce him to you guys and not have to just ramble on and on about him and not get upset over missing him so much every other day sounded pretty freakin' amazing to me and I was happy about it. Not to mention that having a conversation with him through the microphone on my computer made my day. Sadly, it wasn't to last. Turns out that Pat's manager won't let anyone else live with them, so he could stay a night, maybe two. Add that to the two nights that he could stay here and we have four night max to find him a job, a new place to live and get the money to move into it, get all our stuff (by which I mainly mean my stuff) into said new place and still be able to get me to school by 8:30 am. Ew. I admit, my heart broke a little. Why can't I not let myself get excited over these things when I know they aren't going to work out? I wish I could talk to him right now, but I have no way of doing so except through MSN.
On a lighter note, I watched the entire Third Season of Scrubs today with Geoff and Yannick (aka Lisa M) and Ky. We chilled in my roommate-less place today and munched on Honey Nut Cheerios. I realized that my choices for meals... suck. I have like no food. At least I can survive right? Anyways, chillin' with them today really boosted my spirits. Thanks a lot, guys.
Well, I have to be up earlier then I thought for class tomorrow, which really sucks. Hopefully I'll get a chance to catch the lot of you at some point unless I die of exhaustion. Cross your fingers for me.....
Now if you'll excuse me.. I think I'll go cry now....
Monday, January 01, 2007
The fairytale ending is so far away.....
Such Great Heights ~ Iron & Wine
I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home
They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...
I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
And that frankly will not fly. You will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home
I know the original song is done by The Postal Service, but the version done by Iron & Wine has certain meaning to me. I haven't heard the original, and I'm sure it's good too. This one is the one they have on Garden State, which Andy has the soundtrack for. This is our song. I heart you, Geoff, for sending to me earlier today.
The Disney-Log isn't ready yet. I'm just waiting for Dad's photos and short video clips which he took on the digital camera. I'm excited.
Well now, here's the New Year and what am I to do? I haven't made a resolution yet, but it'll most likely end up along the lines of moving out of this shitty living arrangement and getting out of my shitty job. I've decided I hate them both.
Today was great until I went home. I should have just stayed at AKA house the whole day. We watched Sleeping Beauty and I highly enjoyed it. Thanks to Geoff again for driving me home. I sat around waiting for Jordan to call cuz he said something about going to a movie around 4. Nothing. Oh well, no big deal.
I had a great time last night with the AKA house party. Being dressed up (and in pants) and drinking wine and playing Trivial Pursuit was just so awesome. some how our team ended up winning, even though most of the time we weren't paying attention. Go Team Dot Com Stock. From there Geoff and I decided that we were going to go on a mission for firewood and an ax (since we had already found a corkscrew) so we took off to find those. When we got back Alana had already beat us there. I dunno when or where she disappeared to. I don't know her anyways.
I got my Charlie Wine open and let everyone try it. Some people liked it, some didn't. I'm glad at least one person decided to share it with me cuz I would have been on the floor if Martha hadn't had some too.
We did the countdown and that was pretty cool. I kissed Kaitlyn ^.^ I missed Andy a lot in the couple moments before I did so and I almost felt like crying, but I was ok. Not that I didn't enjoy kissing Kitty or anything.
I had another glass of wine after that and I felt pretty happy. I danced with Amber and Maddie and that was a lot of fun. I don't remember a lot of things that happened because I was so tired already. My buzz from the wine wore off pretty quick, but by then I was done drinking and I let myself come down again. A lot of people had left already and now Martha and the Non-Existent Lee were in a text war with each other. I had decided early on that Lee didn't exist because he said something about not liking Billy Idol. I love Billy Idol...
Anyways, I almost fell asleep on the couch but then we went and saw Alleah at work. When we got back it was around 4 am and I was just burnt out like crazy. My week of walking around Anaheim caught up with me and I was just so tired. I got some boo-urns for going to bed, but I did it. I was tired and I was about ready to start crying. It was another one of those moments that I really missed Andy. So I curled up in Kitty's bed by myself and before I could even think of anything that made sense, I was sleeping.
Really good sleep! I slept until almost 1 and it felt really good. When everyone was awake, we watched Sleeping Beauty. I haven't seen that movie in a long time, so I enjoyed that a lot.
Then when I got home I called Andy and we had a good talk. I ended up in tears because I miss him so much. I didn't think that New Years was going to be this hard without him around. I've decided to go back to Campbell River for a few days before school starts again and I don't get to go back for a while.
Does anyone know of anything that will make me smile and be happy again?
Anybody want to move out of where they are and find a place to live with me?
I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home
They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...
I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
And that frankly will not fly. You will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home
I know the original song is done by The Postal Service, but the version done by Iron & Wine has certain meaning to me. I haven't heard the original, and I'm sure it's good too. This one is the one they have on Garden State, which Andy has the soundtrack for. This is our song. I heart you, Geoff, for sending to me earlier today.
The Disney-Log isn't ready yet. I'm just waiting for Dad's photos and short video clips which he took on the digital camera. I'm excited.
Well now, here's the New Year and what am I to do? I haven't made a resolution yet, but it'll most likely end up along the lines of moving out of this shitty living arrangement and getting out of my shitty job. I've decided I hate them both.
Today was great until I went home. I should have just stayed at AKA house the whole day. We watched Sleeping Beauty and I highly enjoyed it. Thanks to Geoff again for driving me home. I sat around waiting for Jordan to call cuz he said something about going to a movie around 4. Nothing. Oh well, no big deal.
I had a great time last night with the AKA house party. Being dressed up (and in pants) and drinking wine and playing Trivial Pursuit was just so awesome. some how our team ended up winning, even though most of the time we weren't paying attention. Go Team Dot Com Stock. From there Geoff and I decided that we were going to go on a mission for firewood and an ax (since we had already found a corkscrew) so we took off to find those. When we got back Alana had already beat us there. I dunno when or where she disappeared to. I don't know her anyways.
I got my Charlie Wine open and let everyone try it. Some people liked it, some didn't. I'm glad at least one person decided to share it with me cuz I would have been on the floor if Martha hadn't had some too.
We did the countdown and that was pretty cool. I kissed Kaitlyn ^.^ I missed Andy a lot in the couple moments before I did so and I almost felt like crying, but I was ok. Not that I didn't enjoy kissing Kitty or anything.
I had another glass of wine after that and I felt pretty happy. I danced with Amber and Maddie and that was a lot of fun. I don't remember a lot of things that happened because I was so tired already. My buzz from the wine wore off pretty quick, but by then I was done drinking and I let myself come down again. A lot of people had left already and now Martha and the Non-Existent Lee were in a text war with each other. I had decided early on that Lee didn't exist because he said something about not liking Billy Idol. I love Billy Idol...
Anyways, I almost fell asleep on the couch but then we went and saw Alleah at work. When we got back it was around 4 am and I was just burnt out like crazy. My week of walking around Anaheim caught up with me and I was just so tired. I got some boo-urns for going to bed, but I did it. I was tired and I was about ready to start crying. It was another one of those moments that I really missed Andy. So I curled up in Kitty's bed by myself and before I could even think of anything that made sense, I was sleeping.
Really good sleep! I slept until almost 1 and it felt really good. When everyone was awake, we watched Sleeping Beauty. I haven't seen that movie in a long time, so I enjoyed that a lot.
Then when I got home I called Andy and we had a good talk. I ended up in tears because I miss him so much. I didn't think that New Years was going to be this hard without him around. I've decided to go back to Campbell River for a few days before school starts again and I don't get to go back for a while.
Does anyone know of anything that will make me smile and be happy again?
Anybody want to move out of where they are and find a place to live with me?
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