Priorities: Construction Zone Ahead. Prepare to Stop.

How, out of all these super important things, did you being mad at me become my main focus and my main cause of anger (if you can call it that) and hurt? There are so many more things that are more important to stress over, but I chose your attitude towards me lately. It's not true anymore. I've let it go. It took some help from a person that I told my self I didn't need anymore, but I'm glad that I did. I may not be able to do this to your face, and you know who you are if you're even reading this (I don't care), but at least I have the ability to do it at all now.

I can't understand where all this hostility is coming from and why you've chosen to direct it at me, but I realize now that none of this is my problem. This is entirely you having a problem with some sort of attachment deficit, which seems to be your own doing anyway. You are not my responsibilty, nor did I ever ask to be yours. You were a friend, nothing more. My job was to spend time with you when I could. I did my best, but I apologize for having highly important things to do like deciding where my life is going. I may have started "lacking" in calling you and forcing myself upon your 'free time', but you know who gets even less of that? My family, my boyfriend, even my other friends around here got put on the back burner.

I didn't betray you. I chose to expand my circle of friends, and one of them happened to be related to you. You know why? Because he's fun and enjoys being around, not just me, but everyone. This is not something that you can blame on me. It is not my place to invite you to something that I was invited to by someone else, so I don't understand how you can that on me. I know you said that you didn't care that it was him, but think about that statement. You never got angry over the fact that I spent time with other people and not you. I've ditched you for other friends before and never resulted in this. So obviously it is something with my one, of a few, choices in 'new' friends.

I never expected the world of you, and there's not much that I can do about the state I'm in. This attack on me hurt. It was an attack, whether you knew it was going to get to me or not. It did. I never expected you to wait on me hand and foot. All I wanted from you was someone to talk to when I was feeling less that happy with myself or the world. For someone who thought that I needed to be in contact more, you were quick to push me away when I truely needed you.

I don't appreciate the lies. I know what you said behind my back; I heard it all. Contridictions can't hold up when both sides of the story are known, so which is it? Do I "get" you and understand you like no one else can, or was I never there for you and never did anything for you in return? In case you are stirring up an answer for this, I don't want one. I don't want an "answer" for any of it.

These are my last words and thoughts on this. This is not an issue with something in me, like I thought it was. This is something that you need to look at in you. And while you're at it, I really wish you would look at how you are treating your own family. That makes me more anger at you than anything, but it's not my place so I won't get involved with it.

I hope you find something better in yourself than this.

A bit of humor....

So while I was at work today (and still am) I came across this picture on a website that Trevor showed me. Trevor is a co-worker for those of you who don't know.

As soon as I saw it, I had to post it up here because it made me think of all the times that "interpretive dance" has been done around the theater.

Lisa, my dear, this is for you. -hearts-

Internal Outrage...

I hate for my first post in such a long time (latest excluded since it didn't have much substance) to be so... negative... but I can't think of much else to write about.

I hate where my life is right now. It seems that I can't get anything just right, there's always some tiny thing that gets under my skin and irritates me to no end until I get to the point where I just can't handle it. No matter what it is, nothing is right. I can't seem to change it, because everytime I do that same tiny grain of imperfection sand gets to me and I go back into that spiral again.

I'm afraid of this internal thing that seems to be wanting to claim me. I've seen it happen before I don't want it, but the more I try, the more it comes. I'm scared of what I am becoming. Everything scares me lately. That in itself has something heavy in it that frightens me.

Part of me wants to abuse all the things I've tried so hard to maintain. It's destroyed two already. One I am glad for, the other hurts. The one that seems to be in process will destroy me if it's successful. I'm sorry to you, but not the others anymore.

I'm so lost in myself that I've lost all identity and ability to reach out for help again. I need it, so why can't I go to where I know I can get it? I've done it once before, why not again?

I feel deserted again. I need to go a find those that aren't.