Well I have to say that was a pretty good week. For those of you who don't know, Andy got a ride up on this past Monday to come and see me and I just sent him home today. Sadly, due to my roommate being a jerk, he couldn't stay with me until Friday, but we managed. I enjoyed having him around. We did a lot of things together during the week after my classes were over, and we even went to dinner with an old friend of ours. I managed to get him to shopping with me too.
I feel good about myself after this whole week. After having Andy here, and spoiling myself at the mall (even though I did spend less then 100$), and just getting to relax on the weekend, I feel like I'm back to my normal self. I don't feel like I have that stress constantly riding on my shoulders anymore. I feel... mellow.
I got to see Urinetown with Andy on Wednesday. We got to see all the theater kids there too, but we more or less kept to ourselves. I admit I wasn't in a happy mood that day for some reason. I can't even remember why. Alleah was awesome though and that's what matters. Kitty was kickin' on the lights too, aside from the occasional blindings, but apparently those are intentional?
Got to hang out with Geoff for a bit on Friday too. That was a good mellow day, and I enjoyed it alot. We watched American History X and then watched Scrubs early (I found it on another channel). Man, that was a sad episode. Funny, but sad at the same time. I won't say anything about it, for those of you who are watching the series previous and don't want to know what happens. I will say that I shed a few tears at the finale.
Also, for those who haven't seen it, I have started up a new blog. Due to my constant lurking of YouTube, I have created a place for me to post videos that I find that I figure you kids will enjoy. The probably means a lot of Scrubs clips and what not... also music videos and other such things that make me (and hopefully you) smile. There's already a few in there, so check it out.
So.... THREE DAYS TIL BARENAKED LADIES! In light of which, I shall close with a BNL video here. So for your viewing pleasures.... Brian Wilson by BNL!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
My angel wings never came....
Angel ~ Sarah McLachlan
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
Lately I've been watching a lot of Scrubs with Geoff, and I think my own inner monologue is starting to develop. It's kinda funny to listen to and reflect on. Thankfully I don't have a rambling role model to call me boys names every five minutes and some how degrade me in any way possible... or would having a Dr. Cox be a good thing....
This week has been a fairly equal week. It's had it's ups and downs on both extremes, but it seems that there haven't been any in the middle ground. On on hand I've been ice skating twice now, but I've been sick (possibly sinusitis, as fake as it sounds) since last week started. I've been hanging out with people, but I had a fight with Andy over a silly thing last night. I got in to all but one class, but I have three major papers for this semester. I've had the place to myself pretty well since I got back from the holiday, but I'm still homesick.
It's been a while since I actually talked with any of my friends from CR. Sure, I visited Aaron randomly before I left for California and I had a moment, but that was it. Liz and I haven't really had a conversation since the last time I saw her at the bar, I talk to Lisa (not you two Lisa's... I know too many Lisa's) every once and a while when she comes online, but that that's not often. I realized that the person from CR that I talk to the most (aside from Andy), is Trevor. I've known Trev my whole life, he is my family by association, but we didn't spend a lot of time together outside of school or when we worked together. Not that I don't love you, Trev, quite the opposite. It's just that I'm wondering how many of my friends from CR were really actually my close friends.
How can we really know when people really truly care about us? Sometimes it takes a few people to almost drop out of your life to make you realize that the people you once were really close with will sometimes drift away from you. Chrissy went to Calgary (can't wait to see you in Feb!), Liz is still in CR, Lisa is practically adopted by my mom, Kyle hardly speaks to me.... What is it that has come between us all?
I've been thinking a lot about who I am lately too. It's been brought to my knowledge that I'm not like other girls, and I think I knew that all along. From what I can remember, I've always been at my most comfortable times when I was hanging out with my guy friends. When I feel down or upset over something, I don't sit down and watch chick flicks to make myself feel better... I watch something with action or needless violence. I've always seemed to enjoy being "one of the guys" rather then "one of the girls", and I dunno if that's a good thing or not. I can't see how it would be a bad thing, but I feel a serious lacking in female influence. I have my times when I want to cry over the fact that Molly Ringwald and the rich kid got together in the end, even though Duckie was way cooler. Or that Nicholas Cage gave up the only thing he knew just so that he could be with Meg Ryan. I adore City of Angels. But that was something that I only ever really did with one person, Kaitlyn. I know she's really busy for the next while, and it's been a long time since we watched anything like that together, but that was something I always really felt better doing alone so that no one could see me cry.
Why is it that I am the way I am? Can I ever really just be one of the guys and not have it be weird anymore? I can see it being ok when I was younger, but now things are different and I don't know why.
I had to put this video on here after writing this. As soon as I mentioned City of Angels I went to YouTube and tried to find a good clip from it to put here. I actually found that someone had actually uploaded the entire movie in segments, but I also came across this song (which the lyrics are at the top). I can't explain why, but for some reason when ever I hear this song, I can't help but cry. No matter how good of a mod I am in, the song brings tears to my eyes. Not necessarily unhappy tears... but I will cry none the less. That's probably why I cry at City of Angels every time too.... Enjoy!
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
Lately I've been watching a lot of Scrubs with Geoff, and I think my own inner monologue is starting to develop. It's kinda funny to listen to and reflect on. Thankfully I don't have a rambling role model to call me boys names every five minutes and some how degrade me in any way possible... or would having a Dr. Cox be a good thing....
This week has been a fairly equal week. It's had it's ups and downs on both extremes, but it seems that there haven't been any in the middle ground. On on hand I've been ice skating twice now, but I've been sick (possibly sinusitis, as fake as it sounds) since last week started. I've been hanging out with people, but I had a fight with Andy over a silly thing last night. I got in to all but one class, but I have three major papers for this semester. I've had the place to myself pretty well since I got back from the holiday, but I'm still homesick.
It's been a while since I actually talked with any of my friends from CR. Sure, I visited Aaron randomly before I left for California and I had a moment, but that was it. Liz and I haven't really had a conversation since the last time I saw her at the bar, I talk to Lisa (not you two Lisa's... I know too many Lisa's) every once and a while when she comes online, but that that's not often. I realized that the person from CR that I talk to the most (aside from Andy), is Trevor. I've known Trev my whole life, he is my family by association, but we didn't spend a lot of time together outside of school or when we worked together. Not that I don't love you, Trev, quite the opposite. It's just that I'm wondering how many of my friends from CR were really actually my close friends.
How can we really know when people really truly care about us? Sometimes it takes a few people to almost drop out of your life to make you realize that the people you once were really close with will sometimes drift away from you. Chrissy went to Calgary (can't wait to see you in Feb!), Liz is still in CR, Lisa is practically adopted by my mom, Kyle hardly speaks to me.... What is it that has come between us all?
I've been thinking a lot about who I am lately too. It's been brought to my knowledge that I'm not like other girls, and I think I knew that all along. From what I can remember, I've always been at my most comfortable times when I was hanging out with my guy friends. When I feel down or upset over something, I don't sit down and watch chick flicks to make myself feel better... I watch something with action or needless violence. I've always seemed to enjoy being "one of the guys" rather then "one of the girls", and I dunno if that's a good thing or not. I can't see how it would be a bad thing, but I feel a serious lacking in female influence. I have my times when I want to cry over the fact that Molly Ringwald and the rich kid got together in the end, even though Duckie was way cooler. Or that Nicholas Cage gave up the only thing he knew just so that he could be with Meg Ryan. I adore City of Angels. But that was something that I only ever really did with one person, Kaitlyn. I know she's really busy for the next while, and it's been a long time since we watched anything like that together, but that was something I always really felt better doing alone so that no one could see me cry.
Why is it that I am the way I am? Can I ever really just be one of the guys and not have it be weird anymore? I can see it being ok when I was younger, but now things are different and I don't know why.
I had to put this video on here after writing this. As soon as I mentioned City of Angels I went to YouTube and tried to find a good clip from it to put here. I actually found that someone had actually uploaded the entire movie in segments, but I also came across this song (which the lyrics are at the top). I can't explain why, but for some reason when ever I hear this song, I can't help but cry. No matter how good of a mod I am in, the song brings tears to my eyes. Not necessarily unhappy tears... but I will cry none the less. That's probably why I cry at City of Angels every time too.... Enjoy!
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Drowning in everything and nothing....
In Joy and Sorrow ~ H.I.M.
Oh girl, we are the same
We are young and lost and so afraid
There´s no cure for the pain
No shelter from the rain
All our prayers seem to fail
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
Oh girl, we are the same
We are strong and blessed and so brave
With souls to be saved
And faith regained
All our tears wiped away
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In world so hollow
It's breaking my heart
And my home's in your arms
And it is breaking my heart
My home's in your arms
And it is breaking my heart
Have you ever had that feeling of being completely helpless in making your life go in the direction you want it to? That sinking feeling in that reaches from the center of your forehead, past your toes and through the floor so far that you never think you'll find the other end of it. How much control do we ever really have over our lives?
I can feel something pulling on my feeling. It's long since past the floor, so I can't imagine it can go much deeper. But I guess that the way things go sometimes. I think it's the stress from everything starting to weigh me down again, and I was afraid this would happen. I don't deal with stress very well and I'm scared that it might start affecting everything that has so far been decent. Earlier today, I got in a bit of an argument with Andy over something small and trivial which made him angry with himself (he doesn't want to be like Mike) and it made me sad because I didn't know what I had done to make him react in such a way. We are both drowning in stress and neither of us are handling it well.
Lately I've been feeling awful and sick and I think it has something to do with how freaked out I am. I have so many things to think about and deal with that it's getting harder and harder to focus on all those good things that Jordan showed me I have. I know they're still there, but I'm losing sight of them. My family especially. I rely on email to talk to them now. That's not how I wanted this to work out. I want to see my parents, hear my brother play his bass all night, watch movies with them, watch Matt play GTA for half the day. I miss them so much, even though I saw them all less then a month ago. Who knew this was going to be so hard for me to handle.
My stomach feels like it's trying to turn inside out and I'm constantly tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I do everything in my power to try and make myself sleep on time and eat right and focus on the important things, but it's just not working. There are so many times that I get upset over the tiniest thing and I just can't seem to get over it. That's how I know I am overly stressed out is my reaction to things. If it's something I can't do or don't know or something, I get frustrated and upset. Like right now, I'm talking to Geoff on MSN, watching Sweet November, and I can't help but cry because I have no idea what I'm going to do about things.
I hope that upcoming events will help at least a little bit. Tuesday I'm going to go ice skating with Geoff and who ever else is willing to come. I'm excited for that, I haven't been skating in ages. Hopefully I can revert to that child-like happiness that is always associated with ice skating.
Also, yet another chance for some of you to meet Andy. From the 26th to the 28th he will be down here. Hopefully I'll get the chance to show him off to you. Yet, that comes with another stress in its own: for the following week I'll probably be sad because he'll be gone home again. Thankfully, it won't be too long after that until I get to see him again.
Today (the 14th) was 8 months for us. I think I posted a while back about how long it had been and I think it might be wrong, but that doesn't matter. The important thing is that we have managed to stay together with all this distance between us for a longer period of time then when we lived in the same town. As sad as I may be about it, it makes me happy that we know we can overcome that obstacle in our lives and we're stronger for it. There's only one thing that I wish.... I wish things would just find a way to work out for us for once. This is the best thing that has happened to us in the 6 years we have known each other... though I admit that it is almost everything I could ask for from it.
My dreams have been getting worse. I can tell from the way my jaw hurts in the mornings. When I'm having bad dreams, I grind my teeth something fierce. Or so I've been told. Occasionally I'll wake up and feel fine, but it's been happening more and more. The worst of it is that I can't remember any of them.
I'll be happy when the semester is over and I can live where I want, with who I want, how I want. I'll work through the summer and save up as much money as I can so I'm not a burden to my family in the next year. I may take a year off to work full time and just save money, but I don't want to put myself behind any more then I am. I'm so confused lately and I don't know what to do.
Oh girl, we are the same
We are young and lost and so afraid
There´s no cure for the pain
No shelter from the rain
All our prayers seem to fail
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
Oh girl, we are the same
We are strong and blessed and so brave
With souls to be saved
And faith regained
All our tears wiped away
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In world so hollow
It's breaking my heart
And my home's in your arms
And it is breaking my heart
My home's in your arms
And it is breaking my heart
Have you ever had that feeling of being completely helpless in making your life go in the direction you want it to? That sinking feeling in that reaches from the center of your forehead, past your toes and through the floor so far that you never think you'll find the other end of it. How much control do we ever really have over our lives?
I can feel something pulling on my feeling. It's long since past the floor, so I can't imagine it can go much deeper. But I guess that the way things go sometimes. I think it's the stress from everything starting to weigh me down again, and I was afraid this would happen. I don't deal with stress very well and I'm scared that it might start affecting everything that has so far been decent. Earlier today, I got in a bit of an argument with Andy over something small and trivial which made him angry with himself (he doesn't want to be like Mike) and it made me sad because I didn't know what I had done to make him react in such a way. We are both drowning in stress and neither of us are handling it well.
Lately I've been feeling awful and sick and I think it has something to do with how freaked out I am. I have so many things to think about and deal with that it's getting harder and harder to focus on all those good things that Jordan showed me I have. I know they're still there, but I'm losing sight of them. My family especially. I rely on email to talk to them now. That's not how I wanted this to work out. I want to see my parents, hear my brother play his bass all night, watch movies with them, watch Matt play GTA for half the day. I miss them so much, even though I saw them all less then a month ago. Who knew this was going to be so hard for me to handle.
My stomach feels like it's trying to turn inside out and I'm constantly tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I do everything in my power to try and make myself sleep on time and eat right and focus on the important things, but it's just not working. There are so many times that I get upset over the tiniest thing and I just can't seem to get over it. That's how I know I am overly stressed out is my reaction to things. If it's something I can't do or don't know or something, I get frustrated and upset. Like right now, I'm talking to Geoff on MSN, watching Sweet November, and I can't help but cry because I have no idea what I'm going to do about things.
I hope that upcoming events will help at least a little bit. Tuesday I'm going to go ice skating with Geoff and who ever else is willing to come. I'm excited for that, I haven't been skating in ages. Hopefully I can revert to that child-like happiness that is always associated with ice skating.
Also, yet another chance for some of you to meet Andy. From the 26th to the 28th he will be down here. Hopefully I'll get the chance to show him off to you. Yet, that comes with another stress in its own: for the following week I'll probably be sad because he'll be gone home again. Thankfully, it won't be too long after that until I get to see him again.
Today (the 14th) was 8 months for us. I think I posted a while back about how long it had been and I think it might be wrong, but that doesn't matter. The important thing is that we have managed to stay together with all this distance between us for a longer period of time then when we lived in the same town. As sad as I may be about it, it makes me happy that we know we can overcome that obstacle in our lives and we're stronger for it. There's only one thing that I wish.... I wish things would just find a way to work out for us for once. This is the best thing that has happened to us in the 6 years we have known each other... though I admit that it is almost everything I could ask for from it.
My dreams have been getting worse. I can tell from the way my jaw hurts in the mornings. When I'm having bad dreams, I grind my teeth something fierce. Or so I've been told. Occasionally I'll wake up and feel fine, but it's been happening more and more. The worst of it is that I can't remember any of them.
I'll be happy when the semester is over and I can live where I want, with who I want, how I want. I'll work through the summer and save up as much money as I can so I'm not a burden to my family in the next year. I may take a year off to work full time and just save money, but I don't want to put myself behind any more then I am. I'm so confused lately and I don't know what to do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
