Drowning in everything and nothing....

In Joy and Sorrow ~ H.I.M.

Oh girl, we are the same
We are young and lost and so afraid
There´s no cure for the pain
No shelter from the rain
All our prayers seem to fail

In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart

Oh girl, we are the same
We are strong and blessed and so brave
With souls to be saved
And faith regained
All our tears wiped away

In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart

In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In worlds so hollow
It's breaking my heart
In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms
In world so hollow
It's breaking my heart

And my home's in your arms
And it is breaking my heart
My home's in your arms
And it is breaking my heart


Have you ever had that feeling of being completely helpless in making your life go in the direction you want it to? That sinking feeling in that reaches from the center of your forehead, past your toes and through the floor so far that you never think you'll find the other end of it. How much control do we ever really have over our lives?

I can feel something pulling on my feeling. It's long since past the floor, so I can't imagine it can go much deeper. But I guess that the way things go sometimes. I think it's the stress from everything starting to weigh me down again, and I was afraid this would happen. I don't deal with stress very well and I'm scared that it might start affecting everything that has so far been decent. Earlier today, I got in a bit of an argument with Andy over something small and trivial which made him angry with himself (he doesn't want to be like Mike) and it made me sad because I didn't know what I had done to make him react in such a way. We are both drowning in stress and neither of us are handling it well.

Lately I've been feeling awful and sick and I think it has something to do with how freaked out I am. I have so many things to think about and deal with that it's getting harder and harder to focus on all those good things that Jordan showed me I have. I know they're still there, but I'm losing sight of them. My family especially. I rely on email to talk to them now. That's not how I wanted this to work out. I want to see my parents, hear my brother play his bass all night, watch movies with them, watch Matt play GTA for half the day. I miss them so much, even though I saw them all less then a month ago. Who knew this was going to be so hard for me to handle.

My stomach feels like it's trying to turn inside out and I'm constantly tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I do everything in my power to try and make myself sleep on time and eat right and focus on the important things, but it's just not working. There are so many times that I get upset over the tiniest thing and I just can't seem to get over it. That's how I know I am overly stressed out is my reaction to things. If it's something I can't do or don't know or something, I get frustrated and upset. Like right now, I'm talking to Geoff on MSN, watching Sweet November, and I can't help but cry because I have no idea what I'm going to do about things.

I hope that upcoming events will help at least a little bit. Tuesday I'm going to go ice skating with Geoff and who ever else is willing to come. I'm excited for that, I haven't been skating in ages. Hopefully I can revert to that child-like happiness that is always associated with ice skating.

Also, yet another chance for some of you to meet Andy. From the 26th to the 28th he will be down here. Hopefully I'll get the chance to show him off to you. Yet, that comes with another stress in its own: for the following week I'll probably be sad because he'll be gone home again. Thankfully, it won't be too long after that until I get to see him again.

Today (the 14th) was 8 months for us. I think I posted a while back about how long it had been and I think it might be wrong, but that doesn't matter. The important thing is that we have managed to stay together with all this distance between us for a longer period of time then when we lived in the same town. As sad as I may be about it, it makes me happy that we know we can overcome that obstacle in our lives and we're stronger for it. There's only one thing that I wish.... I wish things would just find a way to work out for us for once. This is the best thing that has happened to us in the 6 years we have known each other... though I admit that it is almost everything I could ask for from it.

My dreams have been getting worse. I can tell from the way my jaw hurts in the mornings. When I'm having bad dreams, I grind my teeth something fierce. Or so I've been told. Occasionally I'll wake up and feel fine, but it's been happening more and more. The worst of it is that I can't remember any of them.

I'll be happy when the semester is over and I can live where I want, with who I want, how I want. I'll work through the summer and save up as much money as I can so I'm not a burden to my family in the next year. I may take a year off to work full time and just save money, but I don't want to put myself behind any more then I am. I'm so confused lately and I don't know what to do.