My angel wings never came....

Angel ~ Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Lately I've been watching a lot of Scrubs with Geoff, and I think my own inner monologue is starting to develop. It's kinda funny to listen to and reflect on. Thankfully I don't have a rambling role model to call me boys names every five minutes and some how degrade me in any way possible... or would having a Dr. Cox be a good thing....

This week has been a fairly equal week. It's had it's ups and downs on both extremes, but it seems that there haven't been any in the middle ground. On on hand I've been ice skating twice now, but I've been sick (possibly sinusitis, as fake as it sounds) since last week started. I've been hanging out with people, but I had a fight with Andy over a silly thing last night. I got in to all but one class, but I have three major papers for this semester. I've had the place to myself pretty well since I got back from the holiday, but I'm still homesick.

It's been a while since I actually talked with any of my friends from CR. Sure, I visited Aaron randomly before I left for California and I had a moment, but that was it. Liz and I haven't really had a conversation since the last time I saw her at the bar, I talk to Lisa (not you two Lisa's... I know too many Lisa's) every once and a while when she comes online, but that that's not often. I realized that the person from CR that I talk to the most (aside from Andy), is Trevor. I've known Trev my whole life, he is my family by association, but we didn't spend a lot of time together outside of school or when we worked together. Not that I don't love you, Trev, quite the opposite. It's just that I'm wondering how many of my friends from CR were really actually my close friends.

How can we really know when people really truly care about us? Sometimes it takes a few people to almost drop out of your life to make you realize that the people you once were really close with will sometimes drift away from you. Chrissy went to Calgary (can't wait to see you in Feb!), Liz is still in CR, Lisa is practically adopted by my mom, Kyle hardly speaks to me.... What is it that has come between us all?

I've been thinking a lot about who I am lately too. It's been brought to my knowledge that I'm not like other girls, and I think I knew that all along. From what I can remember, I've always been at my most comfortable times when I was hanging out with my guy friends. When I feel down or upset over something, I don't sit down and watch chick flicks to make myself feel better... I watch something with action or needless violence. I've always seemed to enjoy being "one of the guys" rather then "one of the girls", and I dunno if that's a good thing or not. I can't see how it would be a bad thing, but I feel a serious lacking in female influence. I have my times when I want to cry over the fact that Molly Ringwald and the rich kid got together in the end, even though Duckie was way cooler. Or that Nicholas Cage gave up the only thing he knew just so that he could be with Meg Ryan. I adore City of Angels. But that was something that I only ever really did with one person, Kaitlyn. I know she's really busy for the next while, and it's been a long time since we watched anything like that together, but that was something I always really felt better doing alone so that no one could see me cry.

Why is it that I am the way I am? Can I ever really just be one of the guys and not have it be weird anymore? I can see it being ok when I was younger, but now things are different and I don't know why.

I had to put this video on here after writing this. As soon as I mentioned City of Angels I went to YouTube and tried to find a good clip from it to put here. I actually found that someone had actually uploaded the entire movie in segments, but I also came across this song (which the lyrics are at the top). I can't explain why, but for some reason when ever I hear this song, I can't help but cry. No matter how good of a mod I am in, the song brings tears to my eyes. Not necessarily unhappy tears... but I will cry none the less. That's probably why I cry at City of Angels every time too.... Enjoy!