Internal Outrage...

I hate for my first post in such a long time (latest excluded since it didn't have much substance) to be so... negative... but I can't think of much else to write about.

I hate where my life is right now. It seems that I can't get anything just right, there's always some tiny thing that gets under my skin and irritates me to no end until I get to the point where I just can't handle it. No matter what it is, nothing is right. I can't seem to change it, because everytime I do that same tiny grain of imperfection sand gets to me and I go back into that spiral again.

I'm afraid of this internal thing that seems to be wanting to claim me. I've seen it happen before I don't want it, but the more I try, the more it comes. I'm scared of what I am becoming. Everything scares me lately. That in itself has something heavy in it that frightens me.

Part of me wants to abuse all the things I've tried so hard to maintain. It's destroyed two already. One I am glad for, the other hurts. The one that seems to be in process will destroy me if it's successful. I'm sorry to you, but not the others anymore.

I'm so lost in myself that I've lost all identity and ability to reach out for help again. I need it, so why can't I go to where I know I can get it? I've done it once before, why not again?

I feel deserted again. I need to go a find those that aren't.