What have I done...

I don't want you to hate me.

I feel like I've been doing so many wrong things lately, but I've been so happy at the same time. And not only for the reason everyone is probably thinking right now. I've been busy working two jobs, being able to buy things for myself, and just enjoying being me the way I want to be.

I'm sorry for all those little wrong things that have been happening. I can't apologize enough. I hope that we're still ok. I really am sorry.



As for everything else, I'm cleaning myself up. After taking a closer look at my family history and my own personality, I've decided it's time to try something a little different. I shouldn't say this like it's a new decision really, because it's not. It started with me quitting smoking. I know it wasn't a big feat for me because I hadn't been doing it very long, but it was step one in my plan. The next step is cutting back on alcohol. Sorry, girls, I know our girls' nights are 50% alcohol, lol.

All joking aside, this is a bigger step for me because alcohol has always been kind of a casual thing with my family. After what happened this past year (and for those who don't know the story please do not ask, it's hard enough for me), I've realized that I don't want those kind of things to happen to me; now or in the future. So, I'm going to stop it while I still have the choice. What I ask of everyone is that if I say that I don't want to drink or get drunk or anything like that, please please do not try to get me to do it, or stuff like that. I have the right to say no, and I'm not saying that I will every single time, but it will be more often now. This is something I'm doing to try and keep myself happy and in well-being, not to make anyone else happy.

If anyone is really interested, step three will be physical health. My body needs to be whipped back into shape...

What's new? Well.....

Not much of anything really. Lots of packing, a little bit of job hunting, a little bit of working... lots of Jimmy. Things are generally good. I can't wait to get into our new place down by Port Place Mall. I think living with Kaitlyn is gonna be awesome and we're close to the mall and like 4 bus routes. Just... packing is annoying.



Aside from that... all I have to share is this:

Twist and Shout!

I am loving things lately. And it's been way too long since I wrote an update for this thing. Note to self: don't neglect the blog.

I'm sitting by myself in my living room with my laptop rapidly heating up my thighs, watching Ferris Beuller's Day Off on YTV (commercials and kid orientated TV hosts are irritating me) and just relaxing. It's cool to just be chill right now, since I've been doing so much the past few days, even if it was a lot of not much of anything. I love being able to have fun doing nothing, and the biggest accomplishment of the day is finding a friend you haven't seen for a couple days.

I've been starting to do good things for myself, and it's making me feel better about me. I quit smoking, I don't drink as often as I did, I'm almost starting to eat better, I've started walking more places when I can. Just a few little things to start with, but together are making me feel good. I think the next step will be to try and work down the bit of extra weight at my tummy. If I can do that, I think I would be infinitely happier with my self-image.

I think it's great that I have someone that I never stop laughing with. Everything, no matter how small the activity, is enjoyable. Even sitting awkwardly across the table from one another in a fancy restaurant in fancy clothes is hilarious and fun. The fact that I know he's having as much fun as I have been makes it that much better too.

Ever since I started doing things to make myself happy, I've been feeling better. It's not that I stopped caring about how other people are feeling or that I don't want to make others happy too, it's just that I've realized that I do need to put myself first sometimes. My own happiness is something that should be important to me, and now it is. I can bring myself back from my low spots on my own now, which is something I wasn't able to do up until a couple months ago. I actually haven't even had one for just over a month and that's really good for me.

I can't really think of anything else to write about here. I'll just go back to enjoying my awesome 80's movie!

Some good times come and gone...

I had so much fun the past couple weeks. I really didn't want it to end. Thank you guys for the experience of playing with expensive equipment that I had never touched before. I had no idea how much fun it was to be involved with people like this and I truly thank you all for accepting me into the group. I really did feel like I was part of something important and interesting.

You were all amazing. I'm not even exaggerating. You all did fantastically. I'm amazed at how much bruising and injury and sickness and bleeding everyone went through and survived for this show. I'm so proud of everyone.

Thank you for such a great time.

So many things... more things to laugh at. I've found that the closer it gets to the end of the semester the less I care. I know that's not really a good thing, but I don't really care anymore! Surrounding myself with more people who are supportive of me and always fun to be around seems to be healthy (duh) and I really like the way I've been feeling the past couple days for the most part.




I kinda made a new friend, in the sense that I didn't realize how cool he actually was until I had a cance to sit down and get to know him. He's not nearly as strange as everyone thought he was.... ok, well, he is weird but not as much as previously thought. I should thank him for making me feel better the other day.




I want summer to get here so that I can be outside more. I forgot how much I love being outside and feeling so connected to the earth and nature and oh god I sound like a hippie. Ok so I guess I am part hippie, oh well.




I'm running out of things to say, but not running out of pictures....




I think there needs to be less of this going on around here ^ :P

Priorities: Construction Zone Ahead. Prepare to Stop.

How, out of all these super important things, did you being mad at me become my main focus and my main cause of anger (if you can call it that) and hurt? There are so many more things that are more important to stress over, but I chose your attitude towards me lately. It's not true anymore. I've let it go. It took some help from a person that I told my self I didn't need anymore, but I'm glad that I did. I may not be able to do this to your face, and you know who you are if you're even reading this (I don't care), but at least I have the ability to do it at all now.

I can't understand where all this hostility is coming from and why you've chosen to direct it at me, but I realize now that none of this is my problem. This is entirely you having a problem with some sort of attachment deficit, which seems to be your own doing anyway. You are not my responsibilty, nor did I ever ask to be yours. You were a friend, nothing more. My job was to spend time with you when I could. I did my best, but I apologize for having highly important things to do like deciding where my life is going. I may have started "lacking" in calling you and forcing myself upon your 'free time', but you know who gets even less of that? My family, my boyfriend, even my other friends around here got put on the back burner.

I didn't betray you. I chose to expand my circle of friends, and one of them happened to be related to you. You know why? Because he's fun and enjoys being around, not just me, but everyone. This is not something that you can blame on me. It is not my place to invite you to something that I was invited to by someone else, so I don't understand how you can that on me. I know you said that you didn't care that it was him, but think about that statement. You never got angry over the fact that I spent time with other people and not you. I've ditched you for other friends before and never resulted in this. So obviously it is something with my one, of a few, choices in 'new' friends.

I never expected the world of you, and there's not much that I can do about the state I'm in. This attack on me hurt. It was an attack, whether you knew it was going to get to me or not. It did. I never expected you to wait on me hand and foot. All I wanted from you was someone to talk to when I was feeling less that happy with myself or the world. For someone who thought that I needed to be in contact more, you were quick to push me away when I truely needed you.

I don't appreciate the lies. I know what you said behind my back; I heard it all. Contridictions can't hold up when both sides of the story are known, so which is it? Do I "get" you and understand you like no one else can, or was I never there for you and never did anything for you in return? In case you are stirring up an answer for this, I don't want one. I don't want an "answer" for any of it.

These are my last words and thoughts on this. This is not an issue with something in me, like I thought it was. This is something that you need to look at in you. And while you're at it, I really wish you would look at how you are treating your own family. That makes me more anger at you than anything, but it's not my place so I won't get involved with it.

I hope you find something better in yourself than this.

A bit of humor....

So while I was at work today (and still am) I came across this picture on a website that Trevor showed me. Trevor is a co-worker for those of you who don't know.

As soon as I saw it, I had to post it up here because it made me think of all the times that "interpretive dance" has been done around the theater.

Lisa, my dear, this is for you. -hearts-

Internal Outrage...

I hate for my first post in such a long time (latest excluded since it didn't have much substance) to be so... negative... but I can't think of much else to write about.

I hate where my life is right now. It seems that I can't get anything just right, there's always some tiny thing that gets under my skin and irritates me to no end until I get to the point where I just can't handle it. No matter what it is, nothing is right. I can't seem to change it, because everytime I do that same tiny grain of imperfection sand gets to me and I go back into that spiral again.

I'm afraid of this internal thing that seems to be wanting to claim me. I've seen it happen before I don't want it, but the more I try, the more it comes. I'm scared of what I am becoming. Everything scares me lately. That in itself has something heavy in it that frightens me.

Part of me wants to abuse all the things I've tried so hard to maintain. It's destroyed two already. One I am glad for, the other hurts. The one that seems to be in process will destroy me if it's successful. I'm sorry to you, but not the others anymore.

I'm so lost in myself that I've lost all identity and ability to reach out for help again. I need it, so why can't I go to where I know I can get it? I've done it once before, why not again?

I feel deserted again. I need to go a find those that aren't.

Boredom can come in many forms....

Well, I am at work right now. Yes, I am being paid to talk on MSN and make a blog update just for Kaitlyn.

Hearts for Kitty!!! <3333333333

Anyways... I really don't have anything to put here. Nothing really all that profound has happened to me :P

That is all.

Animalistic Instincts In Tact?

So, I have not read the books, nor have I seen the movie, but the one in Jills blog made me want one of these. So here is mine.

Things have been hectic for me in the last little bit. Of course the week that my counselor tells me that I am doing better and that we have made it to the point where maybe I could do this on my own for a while and some things just crashed on me. Though now I am not sure whether I need to go or not since it worked itself out for the most part. I just do not know about things lately, and I do not know if it is specific things or if it is just a general feeling.

Thank goodness for the book that Kaitlyn has loaned me. I am reading The Da Vinci Code and I can barely put it down. It is so full of interesting information, which is all true, and is a good story and read on top of that. I have already learned a lot of things from it.

I should be studying right now, but I have decided to go play Mass Effect instead since if I do not know the info by now, then there is no point in trying to cram it all in there now. It will not stick anyway.

P.S. The reason for my lack of contracted words is the fact that I cannot figure out how to change the setting on the keyboard that has set off the international keystrokes.

ÈèÈèÈÈèèèèèèÈÈèèèÈÈèÈèèèÈÈÈÈ

hee hee

An Extra Piece...

Ok I forgot I was going to post this. This is the video for "She Talks to Angels" by the Black Crowes. I woke up to this song on the radio the other day and (though I have heard it before) instantly fell in love with it. I had to have it, so I've been listening to it on repeat on my iPod when I go places. For some reason it makes me happy.

Puzzle Pieces

I think things are slowly starting to come together with me for the first time in a long time. There was a long period there where I thought that things were going to be lost forever and I was just going to have to deal with being incomplete and confused. Thankfully I know that it's the opposite now.

I think I really have to thank my counsellor for that though. I've been meeting with him for about 5 weeks now (dear god that long already?) and I've actually noticed a huge difference in my outlook on life since I first started going. I went in that first day as a god-awful wreck who could barely form a complete sentence without crying, or stuttering because of the fact I was crying. It was a terrible image. But now, I feel happier, more confident, and just better in general. And so I think now that we've dealt with the majority of my psychological self, we're going to help with my physical being and what not so that I can really just continue to improve my well being in all aspects. I'm going to be more organized, more active, and focused, hopefully, though I may need some help from time to time.

I learned a lot from today's session in particular. We moved away from my mentality after bringing up that I should work on being more organized, and started trying to determine why I prefer the mess and chaos to a cleaner and orderly environments. So after about 40 minutes of discussion of various things, we half came to the conclusion that I have aspects of ADD. Hooray, eh? I've always wondered a bit about that, but never wondered too much about it. Never enough to worry about it, not that I am now. We have some options that might help, so we'll see where that goes.

I'm a little worried about what's going to happen on Monday. I don't know how it's going to work out, not that I don't have faith in everyone involved, just that I don't have faith in my own work. Everyone keeps telling me that they like it and that it's good, but I can't seem to view it the same way. Guh, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

God, I can't wait until exam time is over! I just want this semester to end!!! I am so eager to go home for Christmas because if the schedule stays the same (though it likely won't) then I will get four days in a row off that I can go home! I miss my family like crazy. In fact, I just miss Campbell River in general.

I feel compelled to do the survey thinger on Jill's blog, but I don't have the attention span for it right now. Hahaha

Well... fuck.

So, I've determined this to be the worst week in existence....

1) I can't seem to finish my psych paper and it's almost a week overdue. The harder I try to work on it, the more futile the effort seems, because I just don't grasp the concepts.

2) I'm the most homesick I have ever been in my life. Ever.

3) Work cut my hours from 15+ to 3 and I have bills to pay, and school to help with.

4) Tomorrow will be my Dad's birthday and I won't be there for it for the first time since I've been born.

5) I've been getting progressively more sick as the week goes on.

6) I came to the realization that I'm going to fail the class that I have to write that paper for, and part of me doesn't care.

7) The majority of my weekend has consisted of moving all the stuff out of my grandmother's place so that my family can move her into a support home in Kelowna. It's pretty depressing disassembling a huge part of your childhood so that you can send half to storage and half to the S.O.S.

8) Though I had a great time last night with everyone, I'm sure most of you noticed that I had a pretty awful stomachache for most of the night.

9) I got home today to find a message on my answering machine to call work. They cut my hours from 3 to none. Permanently.



Basically, my life is pretty much giving me the finger and laughing about it in my face. Every time something seems to be going right, some sort of Karma or Fate or something comes around and flips it all upside down on me. I can't take it anymore...

I feel about ready to snap at the smallest thing.

House of a 1000 Muppets

So I found this in my roaming of youtube videos' related searches when I came across a Halloween picks video from Rob Zombie (don't ask how I got there because I have no idea). Anyways, this was something that he found on youtube and thought was funny, so I watched it. Someone did a damn good job of this!

What they did was take audio clips from House of a 1000 Corpses and dub it over video clips from Muppet movies. Somehow they made it work really well too....

Anyways, it's good stuff so check it out!

Emo Watch!

Ok... this might just be the funniest thing ever......




I would have put it in the Video Blog... but ya... you guys needed to see this now

Yes...

Ok...


I am hyper!


So very hyper!!!


I'm seriously excited to see Across the Universe tonight!! I've been waiting for this movie for a month! It's exciting... shut up...


Ummm... I don't have much to update about, but Kaitlyn would probably jump on me or something if I didn't update like I said I would. Ya I'm silly but whatever.... hahaha


I want to do something with people sometime soon because I'm so bored when I'm at home by myself and ya... it sucks, but I know that lots of people are busy and what not. One day soon, if people wanna do something, someone should come visit me. Ya? Maybe?


I want to find some nifty art or something.


Oh! I got my poster from Rich today! MASSIVE DEATH PROOF POSTER!!! It makes me so happy!!! When Blogger decides to stop being a bitch and let me upload pictures I will get a good one on here.

Um..... ok I think I'm done. Hahaha

Slow and meticulous process....

I swear that this is the most boring class in the world, purely for the fact that I have the teacher that I do. If I had a different teacher I'm sure that I would be paying attention instead of blogging, or talking on MSN, or surfing the net.

Something seems out of place to day I think. Something in the air is heavier than normal and things are feeling a little surreal. Kind of like that quiet moment in a movie before something bad happens. I can't quite place what it is though. It seems too... still... to be normal though.

I'm so sick of school. As soon as I'm done my BA I am seriously taking a year off because if I keep this up for much longer I'm going to freak out. I want to work. I loved the summer time this year when I was working almost everyday because I felt like I was doing something productive and usefull and meaningful. Not that school isn't those things, it's more that I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it, which is totally the opposite of why I'm here. Isn't it?



I think it's almost time that I had a trip home. I want to see my family again, and Andy, and Sean, and Dave, and Aaron and Mel. Now that I have a job I don't think that I will be able to spend as much time down there for Thanksgiving as I had hoped, which really sucks, but I guess that's what happens.


Something happy needs to happen and soon.


I had fun hanging out with Mel and Geoff last night. I think Mel and I are going to have more than a few crazy times together. I really enjoyed spending time with her. One day we actually will explode a marshmellow in the microwave and it will seem like a good idea at the time, until we have to clean it up again.

Brains......

I feel like such a zombie today....
not just today....

just lugging myself from one place to the next....

What's with all the upgrades?

Ok, so, I probably should be paying attention to my class but my teacher is downstairs getting Skittles for some sort of diagram or something. I swear that this guy is the oddest, most geeky professor I've ever had and I love it! I mean, this guy plays WoW.... to the point that he's a level 70 character. Geek! Hahaha

Anyway, I'm taking this opportunity to write some sort of update because I know Jilly is gonna harass me later if I don't. :P Just kidding.

Well, I'm sad to say that I am still unemployed. Hopefully all goes well with Galaxy or Payless or something.... SOON!!! I need a job like crazy! Umm.. class is going well enough. So far everything is enjoyable except my Cognitive Psych class, which is only for the sole reason that the professor is boring as hell. I'm going to love my script writing class yet again. I love that class so much!

I feel like watching Invader Zim at some point. I miss watching cartoons soooooo much! I want to have a day to watch cartoons with people and just veg out and do nothing. Stress free day of cartoon comedy and violence which is hilarious. Think Acme products, Willey Coyote, Zim and Gir, such things like that. I miss being young in a way.

I want something different from this year but I'm not even really sure what yet. I definitly want to avoid being put in the middle of things but I can never seem to get out of that position. Probably my life's role is to serve "both sides", and I guess I can deal with that for a short amount of time. I need to focus this year on the things that I need to do first, rather than trying to make everyone else happy.

Come on try a little, nothing is forever, there's got to be something better than in the middle....

What is outside the window when I look away?

Does the world exist when I close my eyes?
The earth belongs to me and my imagination...

Does sound still echo when I am out of range?
Can you still sing if my ears are closed?
I only hear what I want to, and I love the sound of your voice....

Do the berries still sweet if I don't taste them?

What do you perceive through the buds of my tongue?
No flavor is ever the same way twice...

Is the bark of the tree rougher on your fingertips?
Will everything fall apart if I touch existence to hard?
My world is in my mind and nothing can destroy it...

Does the rain carry the gentle scent to you as well?
Is the smell of earth as gratifying?

Nothing is so good as the aromatic ways of nature....

The great thing about the world is that it is never the same between two people. Everything is different and it's very rare that anyone will ever share a sensation in the same way. I love the way that I can savor a feeling or a taste or a smell and know that no one will ever have that same experience ever again.


I want to go travel the world. I want to have all the different tastes and sights and smells go through my mind and enjoy them like I've never had before. I want to know what the world is like in all the different corners. I want to explore the earth in a totally selfish way and take all of it in. I want to see the hills of Ireland, the waves in Australia, the plains of Africa. I want to hold the whits sands of the beaches of Costa Rica, let it slip through my fingers. I want to feel the air in the mountains.


I've always wanted to sit in the window frame of a moving car just to feel the wind in my hair. Just the speed alone is exciting. I don't like to drive as much as I like the passenger seat, because so much of the world is passed by when you're behind the wheel. From the right hand side you can watch anything you want and take it in as you feel like it. I like moving at my own pace and seeing the world as I want to, even if it tends to go by in a blur.